God only knows what I'd be without you.

  I can't believe I've not written anything here for about a month and a half and I apologise to any of you that enjoy my little whims and stories. My last post was about me trying to trust that things would work out and what do you know, a month and a half later things are almost perfect. I have moved back to Dundee in preparation for starting Uni again in September into a charming flat with a lovely flatmate in a fantastic location (a street away from the main shopping centre/10 minutes away from Uni). I also have a job at a local coffee shop - Henry's Coffee House - the second of two stores owned by some local people and the other store has open mic nights which I'm hoping to get involved in and I'll let you know if I do!
  So yes, I'm working a couple of days a week and loving settling into my new flat and getting to know my flatmate. One thing I would request is for some prayers that my student finance gets sorted out. Some misunderstandings and lack of correct advice has meant my application may not get in on time so I'm still 'concerned' on that front. Lord willing, all will be fine, and I'm assuming He wants me to get my degree...

   Throughout July I was trying to sort out a flat for me to move into and found one, as well as working and packing! My sister came back from her epic journeys in Central America and Texas and we (again) saw some American friends in London. I had the girls from work over one night and we had some amazing chats, and I also received leaving gifts from three of them <3 It's funny how you can make such good friends in such little time!

  My Dad drove me up with my sister at the end of July as we all went to Camp Tayside for a week. The morning we were due at camp I had an interview at the coffee house and a trial shift set up for the Monday after camp. Held inbetween Dundee and Forfar Camp Tayside is a summer camp for 8-17 year olds run by the Dundee congregation and other Young Adults in the UK. This year we had a couple from the States, of whom Jason was the main speaker at the week. The theme was 'I AM News' and we acted as a news team researching and reporting on this 'Jesus character' from the first century. It was such a good week, really uplifting to see young children so intrigued about our Saviour and encouraging to see them lifting one another up. I was a councillor alongside one of my great friends Amy and we had a room of wonderful girls who were cheeky and funny and made it a week full of smiles.
   The Monday after camp I had a trial shift at the café and the next day I had my first shift. Needless to say it's been one busy month so far.

  I have been visiting Scott as well and we attended his cousin's wedding at the beginning of August. It was a beautiful affair with deer skulls and woodsy ornamentals as centre pieces. There were some beautiful desserts brought by guests which were displayed on tables with old pictures of the Bride and Groom and their families in frames around them. (Picking up some good ideas!)
   I'm going to a wedding reception tomorrow of one of my good friends in Dundee, she was my boss a couple of years ago so we go back a while and it'll be an experience as she's Muslim so the ceremony, décor and dress will be interesting, I'm excited. And I'm sure I'll post pictures for those interested.

   As far as Thoughts of Shelly Marie goes I've not had any revelations lately, perhaps except that I've learned that things will work out - one way or another. I reiterate from my last post that we are not alone, and I'm excited to get back to writing my book.
   Now I have my own space and time to myself I think I can really get back into remembering, I got upset last Sunday because we sat in church and we sang something about getting to heaven one day and I thought to myself again 'Mum's already there'. It still gets me that she's not here, I really find it hard to grasp that I can't ring her and tell her what (flatmate) Claire's like, and I can't ask her what colours I should accentuate in my bathroom. I can't tell her what Scott's cousin's wedding was like or tell her about the cool crafty things they had and I can't tell her that I miss her. It's just strange, and I wish it were different, and I wonder if I'll ever know why.
   But I'll trust in the One who makes all things and knows all things and hope that I'm on the right path.

   Be safe, stay excellent, thanks for reading. x

 Check these out as well if you like:
My boy's new tune (he's working on his band's album!) Unheard Song:
https://soundcloud.com/sejgalloway/unheard-song
[Also listen to his cover of God Only Knows originally by the Beech Boys. It's fabulous. And it's stuck in my head!]

And an interesting article 'My Husband Is Not My Soulmate':
http://theartinlife.wordpress.com/2013/07/22/my-husband-is-not-my-soul-mate/

Because I know you by heart.

I haven't blogged in a long time and I apologise profusely, but life has been very busy lately. Work, friends getting married and I am just coming home from a week holiday in Glasgow to see friends and my now boyfriend (!).
   It's all very exciting and I am so thankful to know that even after what I've been through I still find happiness and peace and joy in life.
   Listening to music on the train home one of my favourite songs comes on by Eva Cassidy called 'I know you by heart' in which the lyrics tell of a true love, picturing someone dear from memory and feeling as if they're there - you know them by heart. 

"You left in Autumn
The leaves were turning
I walked down roads of orange and gold.
I saw your sweet smile
I heard your laughter
You're still here beside me every day."

   I worry that I will forget Mum, but I do know her by heart and I will learn more about her as we reminisce years on and as I learn more about how she shaped me.
   I love the song because it makes me think of the idea of knowing someone by heart. Knowing what makes a person passionate, what makes them tearful, and knowing how to take care of them when they aren't so sure themselves. I have relied on people so much this past year and I fully appreciate the relationships I am blessed to be a part of.
   I think it starts when you realise that you're not that strong on your own and then believing that that's OK, and then moves on when you accept that you are enough - more than enough - to be wholeheartedly loved by others. And it's wonderful. So wonderful.
   So listen to that song, and feel the love...

Dream a little dream of me...

   I had a dream within a dream. Mum was there. She came into my room (which wasn’t my room but such is the nature of dreams). I couldn’t believe it, I asked if it was really her over and over and she just smiled back at me. I tried to remember her jewelry, she wore a necklace with a tiny heart on it. I knew I was dreaming, in my dream... I just hugged her, touched her face and her arms, she had such soft skin. She looked more real that I have seen her in a long time.

   Strange to think that once she was here indefinitely and now I sometimes have trouble picturing her face.

   I don’t remember what was said other than me asking if it was really her and her smiling back. I would like to say she said everything was going to be ok. But if she didn’t verbally, she said it with her eyes. I woke up from that dream - still in another dream - and turned on the TV, as if I knew the continuation of it would be on the TV. And there I was, standing behind a counter serving people food and drink; and there she was, watching me, putting things on shelves away from the counter, facing the real me. I screamed at myself in the TV to look up and see Mum but I was so engrossed (and TV people can’t hear real people anyway). Then something strange happened, Mum called my name, to the me in the cafe with her, and I didn’t hear her. I watched me walk past her and didn’t see her, and she wasn’t upset. She smiled and I got the notion that I would only have been able to see her if I’d have needed her, and at that time I didn’t so I couldn’t. Then in the dream some people walked into my room and I glanced away from the TV for a second, when I looked back and tried to explain what had happened all they could see was a woman in the corner of the screen overlooking the coffee shop scene, to them she could just have been a customer in queue, and I was gone from the picture.

   I had a dream with Mum in it almost a week after she'd died. Mum and I were walking along the street carrying one of our white garden chairs between us. I began to limp a bit and Mum suddenly stopped, put the chair on the ground and sat me in the chair and lifted it, carrying me along on the chair. I protested because surely she wasn’t able to carry me safely but she carried on. I woke up bewildered - how on earth could Mum do that and why was I dreaming about it. I instantly told Sara about it (we’d slept in the same bed) who said maybe it was her telling me that she’s still ‘carrying me’, perhaps more than she had been able to on this earth. And I hoped she was right.

   I think dreams are amazing things. They give me precious moments that maybe never really existed, they show me things that might not be true; yet I remember them as if they do mean something to me, as if they are a part of my life. When Mum comes into my dreams it sometimes feels more real than the world I live in, because in my world Mum is there, and I wish I could dream forever. My memory of this one is already fading, I had to write it down instantly as I woke up as to not forget it completely. But I do remember her face and I do remember her hug and for now, that is enough.

   When I came on Facebook this morning I was reminded it is Mother's Day, which made me all the more glad that I saw Mum last night. Happy Mother's Day to all you special women blessed to have children. You mean more to the world than you think <3

Once upon a time...

For those of you who have been following my blog for some time, or who have read the earliest posts, you will know that I am writing a book. Recently my writing for it specifically has been little, I have focused on writing posts on here mainly, and plan to add them to the book in some way. I appreciate your support in reading my posts and the kind words you have expressed. I have written an introduction/preface to my book, and would like to have some feedback. It may not be the last draft but it is a start, and what better place to start than the beginning...


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Preface

“I woke up, wished that I was dead with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. I thought of you and where you’d gone, and the world spins madly on.”
    - ‘World Spins Madly On’ by The Weepies

   I have never read a self-help book about grief, and I do not intend this to be one. One reason for this is that I would not presume to know the gravity or depth of your grief and how ‘best’ for you to ‘deal’ with it. Another reason is that I am the worst person for taking advice and would not expect you to hither to mine as a resort to figuring out your own heart. Lastly, I am young, and I only know that which life has presented me thus far - but I am learning, and so share with you my experiences in the hope that they might encourage you through yours.

   My name is Rachelle, I am currently 21 years old. When I was 15 my Mum was diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension, a condition which like so many wears down the body gradually and manifests itself in breathlessness and general exhaustion. She passed away when I was 19, 3 days before her 50th Birthday, 10 weeks before my brother was due to be married. She is my reason for being, for writing, for believing and for loving the way that I do. Her great faith and gentle spirit encompassed so many in her lifetime. She was not a bold woman in the sense of being loud, proud, or in-charge. Rather, it was in her calming presence, continuing kindness and constant strength which surpassed understanding, and reached many a heart, that she showed me the way.
 
   Ever since I was little I have had the habit of writing whether it be poems, diaries, letters or lyrics and I guess as a natural outlet of comfort I turned to this passion just as life’s chaos flooded around me in 2011. In sharing my experiences with people I have had many uplifting conversations and have heard heart-tugging stories in response to my own. I realise that death is something that we will all experience, but it is something rarely spoken about - especially in my age group. I studied English and Film Studies at the University of Dundee until May last year when I decided that I would take a gap year to turn my diaries, focused on my Mum and family through her illness, into a book - this book.
   I started a blog about my book in May 2012 and it continues to be a popular read for family, friends, acquaintances and even the odd stranger. I have been encouraged greatly to continue writing, and shall do so until I am done. I have so much to be thankful for in my life, it is only in the past few years that I have begun to realise just how much, and started to learn how to say thank you to the One who has blessed me so greatly - but I know I am young and have much much farther to go.

"Teach us to realise the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom."

- Psalm 90:12

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Thank you for reading! Please do let me know what you think, if not by a comment then an email or via Facebook :]

For your efforts, here is a lovely song:

What is in a word?

   I have had the pleasure of sorting through a lot of things in our family home over the past few months, today my sister and I disassembled and reassembled a wardrobe and I am in the process of filling it with my things. Why tell you this, of course, to share with you my thoughts upon coming across a small box filled to the brim of the most wonderful things this world could ever behold.

   It is not money nor rare jewels, literally, but they are words. Words of kindness, inspiration and pure love, which are jewels of their own kind. Over the years I have collected notes I have received from various friends and acquaintances and saved them in this little box. I forget about it, come back to it time to time and have a feel-good rummage. Today I knew I was going to be moving my things and knew I would encounter this stash of paper, and I knew it would give me a warmth, but I did not expect to be overwhelmed, and I was.

   As I went through the misshapen pieces of paper and card reading all scrawls of handwriting I felt a lump form in my throat, and caught myself well up in all the niceties of the correspondences. Some of the authors I taught at Camp, others were my councillors from years ago, others were childhood friends, a few were from Teachers at school, some from life-long friends, some from my sister and some from Mum. 

No matter how much I know of it between different people, different countries and different times in my life, Love continues to astound and bewilder me.

Sometimes I think I know what it's all about, service and kindness to others. But sometimes it's about sacrifice and believing in someone when they don't believe in themselves. I know how I have felt over this year and a bit and it certainly hasn't always been chipper. I know what I have done in my life and I am a sinner like everyone else. But I have these lovely words to go back to and remember that I am capable of doing something wonderful, I am able to be better than I think.

   I hope that you have received kind words from friends in the past. I hope you have been told that you are loved, treasured, needed, for without you this world just wouldn't be the same. I pray you understand that these are true, they are sentiments from me, but most of all they are sentiments from God to all his Children. 

     My Child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

   I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

   My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

   If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

   When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

   I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

   Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is… Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, YourFather,

Almighty God

- - - - - - - - - -

   P.s. Readers, this is part 1 of 2. There will be something else, related, coming to you soon. 

Peace and love. 

Others have excuses, I have my reasons why.

   A few weeks ago a 12 year old boy at my church in Corby gave a prayer in which he asked God to help us each with our "personal battles and private wars". I thought it was so eloquently put I wrote it down, it's a phrase which says a lot about a 12 year old's understanding of the people around him, because I know I have personal battles and am fighting my own private wars. I'm sure you are too.


   My sister and I watched 'The Social Network' last night, a film depicting the events surrounding the creation of Facebook, the largest social networking site in the world. The shocking thing about the site is how popular it became (and remains) in such a short amount of time. Zuckerburg and this 12 year old boy understand that people are all about people, and that people all have problems. We are all more alike than we would like to think. Since the beginning of time man's heart has remained the same, I believe that our problems stem from selfishness, of our own doing or someone else's, or they are dealt to us through circumstance and human dysfunction. Whilst some may preach that specific objects, groups and devices are evil, I argue that everything is what we make of it, and the decisions we make are ultimately down to the intentions in our heart.
   This blog has had almost 7000 views since I started it last May. I'm grateful that so many take the time to read my words, but it doesn't surprise me that the majority of readers would be able to relate with my stories, thoughts and prayers. For this, I love you. If there is one reason we are here it is to glorify the King of Kings, if there is another it is to love each other as He has loved us.

   Upon scrolling through some blogs I follow this week a few issues with encouragements have cropped up that I would like to share.
Courtney shared a pick-me-up quote from an 85 year old woman.
An Unapologetic Dreamer believes we should not only celebrate our similarities but also our differences - culture and otherwise.
Natalie reminds me that bad relationships in the past prepare us for the one good one that lasts.

Here is some simple advice on life and living. Short and sweet. Written by a 90 year old woman from Ohio, so I'm pretty sure it was written after some trial and error.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it..
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...
14 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
16. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
17. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
22. The most important sex organ is the brain.
23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
25. Always choose life.
26. Forgive but don’t forget.
27. What other people think of you is none of your business.
28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does..
31. Believe in miracles.
32. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
34. Your children get only one childhood.
35. All that truly matters in the end is that you Loved.
36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you 'need'.
39. The best is yet to come...
40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
41. Yield.
42. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson 

Time flies... doesn't it?

What does time mean to you?


Time is a bird which leaves its footprints
At the corner of your eye.
Time's a jockey, racing horses,
The sun and moon across the skies.
Time's a thief, stealing your beauty,
Leaving you with tears and sighs.
But if you waste time trying to catch him,
Time's a bird and time just flies.
  -  Valerie Bloom


Time has been segmented into seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years (etc.), but really all there has ever been is a moment and that moment is what has been, what will be, and what is right now. I often wonder what I would do without deadlines. If I weren't hurried to finish essays by a certain date, or didn't have to be at the station by a specific minute. If I lived in a place without watches, where the sun was the only atmospheric movement detectable, and physical decay was the only sign of ageing...


[   Looking out from the wooden deck we could see the driveways and garage to the left, and grass leading from it rise up on a slight incline and over a small hill within which stood three horses. One was grazing near the fence and the other two were moseying, one in front of the other. Each step seemed synchronised with a lulled heartbeat, their bodily weight shifted from hoof to hoof, and their tails swished effortlessly in the temperate heat. As we indulged in the sight the man we were standing with pointed to the pair and said "Now I believe that is the pace in which we were all meant to live." ]


We can not venture into the past except through our memories and keepsakes. We cannot go into the future except by dreaming and scheming. 
   We can not live in the moment if we are caught up in what went before, nor can we appreciate what we have if we are in want for something more.

   Time means a lot of different things to me. Over the past few years I have witnessed a life at it's end, and have also seen a new life come into existence. For me, time is not measured in how long I have left but how far I have left to go. 

'Tis the season...

I hope you had a Merry Christmas and I wish a Happy New Year to all my readers!
   I apologise for being awfully absent from blogging, but I'm sure you've all been busy over the holidays and will forgive my tardiness.
   This year's Christmas, like last year's, was very different from all the rest we have had as a family. Last year was the first Christmas without Mum and Aubrey. Mum had recently passed away so her absence was felt constantly, and Aubrey was on a Caribbean cruise with Sara for their honeymoon. We tried to enjoy ourselves, but the stress of preparations along with emotional battles made us exhausted, feeling that we were 'going through the motions'. We did our best.
   This year was the first Christmas that Aubrey and his wife Sara celebrated with us, Shanae has also moved home for a bit so once again we had 5 Boyns' round the table for Christmas, it was rather lovely. As Father Christmas has an awfully busy schedule, us 'childer' have had to accept that he no longer visits us, giving younger ones the magical experience we had in our childhood, and so the tradition of opening a sack full of presents in the wee hours of Christmas morning have somewhat changed. The weeks leading up to the big day, I spent sorting boxes all over the house and cleaning, rearranging so we have a bit more order and space. We bought our tree in the traditional Boyns' fashion - promptly on the 23rd December, and spent the next day finishing off decorations, whilst also rearranging the living room furniture on Christmas Eve!
   We woke up Christmas Morning, had breakfast - sponsored by Capain' Crunch and Lucky Charms - got ready and went up the village to place a Christmas heart wreath on Mum's grave. We saw a few other people in the yard as well, remembering their loved ones on such a pivotal family holiday. It was nice to spend a few moments remembering how things used to be, and thinking how strange it is to be able to carry on after such a significant part of us is gone.
   The rest of the day was spent enjoying cooking Christmas dinner together, watching the Queen's Speech, listening to Dad's speech, and opening gifts from each other in the evening. On Boxing Day we had our first visit from 'extended family' that being Sara's parents and her sister, and we enjoyed a second Christmas Dinner with even more people crammed into our little dining room. Our Christmases always involve scrounging to find spare chairs, hearing bad jokes and having wrapping-paper-ball fights, and I'm jolly glad they do.

   I felt this year for the first time that I really can make the holiday special, by simply playing my part. Parents know they have important roles to play in getting their children's wish lists to Santa [amongst other things], and grandparents know they can spoil their grandchildren as much as they like because - it's Christmas. Older siblings' roles are to be a united front in making sure the parents aren't driven crazy by too many little jobs, as well as keeping a flow of laughter circulating the house. The little children are there to remind us of the magic surrounding these holidays, the feeling that whatever you wish for can come true, that there is a man in the sky who will bring us the things we need, and that no matter what happens for the rest of the year Christmas will always mean family, hope, joy and lots of cake.

If.

   These past few weeks of being home after America and my Birthday have been such a roller coaster. I miss friends in America and Scotland and even those that are closer but haven't yet been able to see. I have renewed some old friendships and made new ones too, and I'm forever grateful for the opportunities God gives me in that. But I find that adjusting to the way Dad does things in the house is a task in itself, and learning how to live together again is a work in progress. Sorting things in the house is a mission, not one I relish in but one that needs done, and eventually maybe we'll get the place looking like Christmastime. 
   Often I wish I had been the one to go, and not Mum. I think she would know what things were and where they were meant to go, what needs kept, who to send Christmas cards to and maybe even know their addresses by heart. In dark times I wonder who I can pour my heart to, who will encourage me, who will tell me everything will be OK, because that used to be Mum. Now, I have close friends, and you. I write words and shoot them out into cyberspace and you read them. I hope they make you think, I pray they are useful to you as they are to me writing them.
   A few of my friends have started blogs recently, Cassidy (infamous on here by now) put this poem on her blog a few days ago and checking up on her posts tonight I read it and felt as though Rudyard was talking to me. 
   I know I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me but it helps to have friends supporting me too, so thank you.

If.   
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
’ Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And - which is more - you’ll be a Man, my son!

                                                        — Rudyard Kipling

Hold on when you feel like letting go.

   A passage I have always loved is "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep," but what happens when people do those things at the same time?

   When Mum passed away, we did not mourn as others mourned. We had Faith that she was not gone, she just relocated, and we will see her again. Our anticipatory grieving had our hearts and minds unravelling for years, but we rejoiced in our hope and in knowing she was no longer suffering. Confusion was particularly prominent the weeks surrounding her death. Last year Dad, Shanae and I celebrated Christmas. We already knew it was going to be different last year with Aubrey and Sara being away on their honeymoon, but without Mum as well, it was quite an awful occasion. We went through the motions, and I clung to our childhood traditions, trying to clasp an essence of festive normality.
   I am reminded of Mum's absence every day and special occasions are times when we would all definitely be together. So whilst preparing for our annual get together, as well as rejoicing with those who rejoice at this time, we will mourn with others who mourn. Like every day, it will be hard. Because I now understand this more, I am aware of others close to me who are struggling this month, and would like to make you aware of them also to keep them in thoughts and prayers.
  
   One of my school friends passed away recently, and I am reminded of another school friend who's brother was found drowned in a river about two years ago.
   We have family friends are going through tough times with the Mother having been diagnosed with terminal cancer in the summer.
   Other friends have just had twins, both in and out of ICU at just a month old today, whilst also caring for their other two children at home.
   Another of my friends feels she can't celebrate Christmas this year, it wouldn't feel right without her Grandfather around; whilst another friend's family will try and celebrate Christmas even though their Mother decided to leave them a few months ago.
   A guy I know is having to face the possibility of getting a prosthetic foot for Christmas this year, he's in constant agonising pain with it but uses his situation to encourage others around him in hospital. A true fighter.
   I read an article about a couple who know their baby is going to die soon after the birth at Christmas. They will have spent just over 9 months with their daughter, the majority of it without seeing what she looks like.
   These are just a few of the situations I am aware of, there are several more I haven't mentioned, including things on the news, and I know you know hundreds more. Whilst some may wish to forget their troubles and anxieties at Christmas time others can not, and must soldier on, knowing they won't have a normal, happy Christmas this year - and maybe not ever again.

   Santa's Grottos, bright lights, red hats and rosy smiling faces, the Christmas hustle and bustle is something which can not easily be escaped for those who may wish to dodge it this year. For those worrying about things other than matching Christmas crackers, well-wrapped gifts, uneven window lights and misspelled greetings cards, my heart goes out to you. I pray that you find a peace in the chaos of the season, I hope you find a joy in today just like any other day and I wish you all the best in whatever you find yourself doing this month.

If you are wanting to do something to help those perhaps not looking forward to the holiday season because they aren't able to celebrate, Shelter and Operation Christmas Child are two great charities which you can look into and maybe even help them along in their quest to spread the love.

More than words.

"Saying I love you is not the words I want to hear from you. It's not that I want you not to say, but if you only knew how easy it would be to show me how you feel, more than words is all you have to do to make it real; then you wouldn't have to say that you love me 'cause I'd already know." [v1. to 'More Than Words' by Extreme]

   As humans we are forgetful people with low self esteem, we need constant reminders of others approval towards us through 'likes', 'retweets', a constant flow of human interaction, physical proof of our accomplishments or material goods to remind us of our success. It sometimes seems that no matter how much we know or have we need more, and we need reminders of it. The same can often be applied to relationships, even if we've heard 'I love you' from someone before we need to hear it again - just in case it's the last time you get to hear it, or to check that they still do love you. If someone offers their hand 'if there is ever a need', there is often hesitation in taking them up on it - even when you know you would do the same and more vice versa. We are a forgetful and distrusting people. I'm not going to tell you to say sweet somethings to at least 10 people today, rather, don't overuse phrases like 'I love you' or 'I'm sorry'. Yes, use them abundantly but when you do - make sure mean, and show it, afterwards."Let your yes be yes and your no be no." Don't cry wolf, be sincere.

   We wouldn't need verbal reminders if our actions displayed these sentiments truly.

   As Christians we say we live by faith, not by sight. We say we love our neighbour as ourselves. Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last is the only way to achieve true Joy...
   We may say we live by faith but we overly worry about situations, waiting for outcomes or hints of the answers we want to the prayers we offer up to Him. We say we understand the concept of loving our neighbour but we talk about each other in spiteful tones behind each other's backs and segregate ourselves, we forget that we can still Love someone with opinions different to ours. We know how to have J.O.Y., but we want things now, we want things fast, and we get frustrated at others' sufferings or poorer abilities than ours hindering us. We forget the fruits Jesus told us about, of patience, kindness, generosity and self control.

   On a bitter sweet note, one thing I cannot stand is insincerity; When Mum died people would say 'I'm sorry for your loss' and I often wondered what they meant, really. I don't doubt that most people really were sorry that we would no longer have Mum with us - every day, those who knew her know just how much was taken. They were perhaps sorry that we would not have her by our side for family occasions and the other 'big' events. But I did wonder what some people meant by it, if they merely uttered the phrase because they thought it was the right thing to do. And that can be Ok, I get the sentiment of wanting to say the right thing in a can-be-awkward situation but for me I sometimes saw it as fake in a time calling for utmost humility. Death is a part of life, it's the one thing we can all count on inevitably, so why should we have such a problem with accepting and talking about it? [Pretty much the whole reason for my book.]


   So why do we say things and not live by them? Tell people we love them but forget to show them love. If only we didn't have the choice to go back on our word. If only we understood that we really don't have that choice if we are to be honourable, to live and Love like Him. 

Twenty One.

   I am 21. Crazy.... Well, pretty logical actually, and I often feel older than that but still - it's a good number to reach. Just over a week ago Dad and I went up to Dundee to catch up with friends, celebrate my 21st Birthday, pack up my things and move me back home. As well as celebrate [my first] Thanksgiving with the Galloway's in Glasgow! So much food. Good times.
    I apologise for not blogging in a while I have about 3 posts on the go and a 'thought' to come is one which I've had up my sleeve for times such as these when indecision and procrastination call... I also have many thoughts running through my head today. Today was the day of the funeral of a school friend, my thoughts have been in her family and friends who are grieving at this time - more on that later as well. 
   Another thing is - life. Just a small subject.. I am in the process of clearing out my room, replacing old with new and I came across an old diary in which I said some interesting things, prediction kind of things, which are now coming to light. It's funny how life just works out sometimes, how you can look back on what you've done, where you've gone and who you've known and think 'Oh wow, nice one God. I see what you did there.'
 
"There must be a day or two in a man's life when he is the precise age for something important."
      - Franklin P. Adams

A thought: Maybe it's time to take some advice of my own?
   When I was younger and we would go out as a family into town or to visit an attraction we would sometimes be given a bit money to buy ourselves a wee something to take home. My sister would chose something sensible like pens or a book, my brother would either buy a small sturdy toy or he'd ask to save his. But I would always go for the shiny, plastic, fun-for-a-second toy like an artists 'pallet' with hard tablet paints and a tiny brush, or a mini fake Barbie when I had other real ones at home. My Dad told me not too long ago that when I did this he hated saying yes because he knew it would last 5 minutes and then it would break or, as usual, I'd get bored with it. A waste of money. Fickle, I realise I was only a child though. This does parallel well to situations such as moving house, relationships, jobs, etc. But in some of these things I have often leaped with my heart before thinking with my head. This history tells me two things about myself which I have recently become conscious of [I guess this is growing up]: 1) I need to be careful what I invest in things and 2) I need to recognise my reaction before concluding that's how I really feel.
   I won't say much more on that, these are just things I need to consider more, and a warning against hastiness.. If it's worth a lot, it'll take a lot.