Friday, 26 April 2013

B-z-b-z-b-z.

   Life has been busy busy busy recently which makes for a change from the lazy winter I had job searching etc but it means I'm tired a lot and don't write as often. Need to get myself more organised maybe... We'll get there!
   It was a lovely day today with the most wonderful morning I've experienced in a long time with a perfect cool, still, air that greeted you ever so freshly. I got to work early so got my almond filter coffee and sat reading 'A Room Of Ones Own' by Virginia Woolf, smiling at one line which I knew my Dad would appreciate;
      "If truth is not to be found on the shelves of the British Museum, I asked myself, where, picking up a notebook and a pencil, is truth?"

Anyhow, here is something I wrote just a few days ago...

[[
21 April 2013
   This morning I sat on the sofa in the living room drinking my morning tea and I thought for the first time so clearly 'I really miss Mum. And I can't believe she's gone.'
   When I arrived at work yesterday after lunch I received a text message from Dad saying "About to take to the skies in a Tiger Moth. Love you. Xxx." Dad and his friend Paul had headed out to Duxford Imperial War Museum that morning and it had briefly crossed my mind that on such a fine day, and with Paul's profession providing him with over 3000 hours of flying experience, that their jaunt might result in appreciating the vehicles from more than just ground level. So when I received this text I thought 'Dear bless us all' in a Mum-like fashion and got on with my shift. A few hours later I felt my phone vibrate, alerting me of another text message, and having forgotten about the message from Dad and it suddenly rushed back to me and the thought crossed my mind that this text could be one of more emergency... As soon as that clicked, a quivering peace reached consciousness that said 'if so, at least he died doing what he loved most', and that surprised me.
   I don't worry like I used to though, to be honest I don't see the point. I dont' worry about others as much because I realise I can not change their immediate path, all I can do is prepare myself to be ready to help with whatever consequences that may come. 
   I imagine that, should I be blessed with children, this mentality with rapidly repent but for now I will enjoy not worrying. 
   "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
   So this morning I sat down on the sofa drinking my morning tea and I looked at the carpet with the dust bits on it, I thought of how I'll spend the rest of the day after church ceaning because when I get home from work in the week I'm exhausted. I thought of how Mum used to sit, with her tea on her lap, one leg over the other, with me, and how it seems a lifetime ago. It was actually 1/10th of my life ago, I think, and it occurs to me that when I'm 40 I would have lived more days without a Mum than with one, and how I have to accept it because 'that's life'.
   Though I find it's not a hard thing to accept - 6 weeks ago I struggled to remember how many syrup and coffee shots were in a Caramel Macchiato compared with a flavoured Americano but now I can make drinks for hours without really thinking about it. I know how new habits can gasp fast and how some old habits die hard if you have no choice - but it's sometimes a hard thing to believe.
   It's not a hard thing to accept but it's a hard thing to believe.
Saying that I think to when Christians take the communion and I think how it's not hard to know I'm forgiven, but believing it is another thing when I know what I've done.
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Sunday, 14 April 2013

Bomb 'Chelles

Since working in town I have had to get a lot of buses which in Scotland I wouldn’t mind - as they seem to have grasped the idea of a public service for the working class - but not in Peterborough. This leaves me getting in half an hour early at least and today, with only 4 buses going from my village into town I’m in 2 hours early, I’m catching up with you wonderful blog readers. Also with this in mind it should have been no surprise to me that the bus was 20 minutes late, or that I would be annoyed by it, but when I got on the bus something happened which I did not expect - a bomb shell, if you will - and it brought the Stagecoach-rant in my head to a stand-still...

    The story begins yesterday when I was ever waiting for the bus in the dry bitter morning weather and two older ladies walked to the stop and settled themselves to the left of where I was sitting. One of them leaned my way and said how she had just been commenting on how smart I looked (work trousers/shoes and winter coat/pashmina) to which I did kind of blush and say ‘thank you’ - I’m not quite used to compliments from strangers but it sure does brighten the morning a bit! She went on to say that I had a pretty face and how I’ve got everything going for me and probably had a line of boys after me and I said chuckling ‘may be, but only one that matters’
    Long story short they were lovely ladies and I said how I’d lived in Eye my whole life, at the end of the street that I had seen them walking- the one with the porch. When we got into town we went our own ways but this morning I got on the bus and there they were again. I sat down and noticed the older one Hilary was on one of the side seats, she said hi and remarked about how we’re always going to bump into each other now. They were only going a few stops from when I got on so stood up to depart and she said with a kind face ‘I know where you live now. We figured it out. It was your Mum who died wasn’t it?’ And there it was.
   We were not alone on the bus, by the way, it was actually almost full and it wasn’t quiet enough for her to whisper across the 5 seats between us so I guess that fact was learned to a lot of others this morning as well. In a mixture of surprise and embarrassment I replied ‘yes, yes it was’ and they got off the bus.

 
    I was surprised because of where it was said but also because it didn’t make me want to sink into the ground. I don’t think there is anything that can prepare you for things like that, but 19 months on it’s really not so bad. Yes, yes it was my Mum’s hearse they saw creeping up the road with the man in a top hat walking in front, and yes, I was in the back of the limo dressed in black. But here I am, getting up at dawn and going to my new job, I am making new friends and loving old ones like never before. 






Also, I saw this on Facebook and thought it was pretty accurate!
 

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

One Grande Almond Filter, a Cinnamon Swirl and a Tid Bit for today.

   As you know, I've recently started a job as a Barista in Starbucks in my hometown of Peterborough - so you should totally make a wee trip and come get a coffee!
   It is still going well and I have been enjoying my new routines, new responsibilities, new friends, and my new 'usual' of almond syrup in the filter coffee coupled with a cinnamon swirl mmm. As I have been enjoying these things, and with Easter now having been and gone, I have been thinking about 'newness'.
   There is much value placed on the 'new' today, "out with the old in with the new" sort of thing. In the film 'I Could Never Be Your Woman' the character Mother Nature says that the way of life is that the younger you are the better you are because you're prettier, more agile, stronger etc, yet I'm partial to the ways of different cultures where a 'wise one' is consulted when dealing with community issues. Our Western society feeds off individual impulses and independent success but I think we are wrong in so many ways. I digress...
   Whilst we get excited about new things and hastily throw away the old sometimes we forget that consistency and commitment is also what keeps the world spinning; Consistency in routine and in morals, and commitment to each task and relationship. I am trying to take this on board with even the simplest things - like finishing novels I started reading a year ago, and keeping on keeping on with this book... [Fuelled by my almond filter and cinnamon swirl!]

   So basically my tid bit today is of course, make life exciting with newy newy newness - start of grandly, but remember to keep going and finish well!