Dread and Delight

This time I really don't know if anyone out there is reading anything on here, I know I haven't for the past 10 months. 

So much has happened, as always. I've learned so much, as per usual - but I've only just begun to understand that this will never change. And I'm super excited because of it.

I have many ups and downs even in a week, sometimes even in a day. I know I'm doing too much, but my theory is that if I'm still able to do it, then why not?

These things being - finishing Uni. All coursework and my dissertation are done. I got ENGAGED (!!!) to the absolute love of my life, and we're actually getting MARRIED in just over SEVEN WEEKS (YAY!!!!). I've just finished updating my CV to get a new job in a new city for moving into a new home in June. All of the newness. There's at least 5 blogposts to be done about all of the above, but we'll get there.

Whilst I have forsaken blogspot for my crazy schedule, the break has done me good. I have still had many thoughts and revelations, and I will share them with you soon. I think the first one will be titled 'Why People Should Stop Saying Everything Happens for a Reason', so, brace yourselves. This is definitely something that's been on my mind especially with Mum's death, but also with how my relationship with to-be-husband has panned out. It's such a throw-away statement which ultimately rejects any kind of responsibility or consequence, and I think it's about time to ditch it. [Rant pending.]

As mentioned, I finished my dissertation. It wasn't that hard. Yep, I said it. It was a big project, very difficult to get my head around the enormity of the subject, but it was really enjoyable, and my tutor was ace. It was on 'Beauty and the Beast', looking at the evolution of the tale from Beaumont's originally popular story in 1756 to the most recent Disney version. It's the best story, and really sums up how our attitudes should be: "You must love something before it is loveable." [Paraphrased G. K. Chesterton]

The title of this post is 'Dread and Delight', and to be honest, they are the themes which have haunted me for the past year. Dreading doing the wrong thing, but ultimately finding delight when I realised that the only thing worth choosing is a relationship with God; and in Him are found an abundance of delights. I could go on and on and on, but right now I have jobs that need applying to.

I'll leave you with that wee update, with a promise to return and indulge you with my tiny wisdoms in the near future.

Even the stars, they burn.

I want to be honest in this blog, as I have been so far. The reason I haven't written anything in so long I think is because I don't know what to say. Not because there's nothing to say, more because I'm not sure what to share and what to hold back because I don't know how people will react to my thoughts. I've guess been having some trust issues recently and it's seeping into every aspect of my life.

As I said in my last post, this year has been difficult. I keep being faced with weird situations, I feel like I'm constantly confronted with things that test my patience, integrity and make me question my faith.

Yes, I said I question my faith. 

Whilst some people may read that and instantly understand what I mean, I still feel like admitting it is taboo. I could imagine some people raising their eyebrows at me as though I just admitted to joining a coven instead of going to church. But, honestly, I don't care.

I think taboo subjects are the ones we should talk about. Death, for instance. I had so many encouraging messages from people when I opened up about my experiences with Death saying they went through similar things and had similar thoughts, and it was good to know they weren't alone in that. I will be so surprised if my experiences with this don't also ring true for you in some respect.

Don't get me wrong on this either. I'm not saying I'm an atheist, I'm not saying that I don't believe God exists, I've actually not said anything about what I mean yet by me having confrontation with my faith. Mainly because I'm not really sure what's going on in my head and my heart. Recently there's been a massive change in my life and my heart feels heavy a lot of the time. It happened just after losing my job and I was encouraged to travel for a bit before getting back into a working routine. So I went home, visited friends (even modelled for one of them in a photo shoot), went to London, and am currently in Brussels.

I felt as though I needed to run away, to be on my own, to 'find myself' rather than physically confront my issues. I always laughed when people said they needed to 'find' themselves because, you know, they're right in front of you saying that pretentious crap. But I slap my wrist for it now because honestly, I don't know who I am. I'm trying this thing where I put myself first and actually think about what I like, what I want to do, where I want to go, and who I want to be around. I was brought up believing that Joy was putting Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last. I still believe that (or do I just think that I should?) I'm just not sure we should do it before we figure out how to actually put ourselves anywhere. 

My relationships got to a point where I would put myself in compromising situations to satisfy the needs of others. The first rule of care is that you can't care for someone without first taking care of yourself. You're told to put your oxygen mask on before your children's - what if you pass out helping your first two and your third child suffocates because you didn't make sure you could breathe? 

It is way too easy to get caught up in rhythms of sociality - especially within the church. We are told to live in the world and not be of the world, but I don't think I've really been living in the world. I mean, I've been here, but I don't even really know where here is. I have little conviction in what I do, even my writing is riddled with adverbs of probability because I just. don't. know. 

A friend of mine asks me questions. Questions that all lead down to simply 'So, what brings you here?' Here meaning this point in my life, the thoughts that I have, the feelings I experience, and the things that I do because of them. Socrates said 'To find yourself, think for yourself.'
   My friend reads a lot of philosophy. I studied some philosophy at Uni and got intensely frustrated because it all seemed so unresolved and open-ended. I now see that of course it is unresolved because philosophy is thinking. Due to its very nature it never ends, never stands still. And now, I'm ok with that. I believe in a God who is unchanging enough for the both of us, I'm just trying to figure out what that actually means for me, and where it will take me next.

Go read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

And listen to this.

I have a dream...

In Clarkston gospel meeting on Saturday, I made these notes...

John 8:31-37 (NLT)

   'Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings.  And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” “But we are descendants of Abraham,” they said. “We have never been slaves to anyone. What do you mean, ‘You will be set free’?” Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth," Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” “But we are descendants of Abraham,” they said. “We have never been slaves to anyone. What do you mean, ‘You will be set free’?” Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave of sin. A slave is not a permanent member of the family, but a son is part of the family forever. So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free. Yes, I realize that you are descendants of Abraham. And yet some of you are trying to kill me because there’s no room in your hearts for my message. Everyone who sins is a slave of sin.  A slave is not a permanent member of the family, but a son is part of the family forever.  So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.  Yes, I realize that you are descendants of Abraham. And yet some of you are trying to kill me because there’s no room in your hearts for my message.'

Martin Luther Kings speech 50 years ago this August. The first famous sentences are as follows...

"I still have a dream... one day this nation will rise up and live up to its creed and say, 'We hold these truths to be self evident: that all men are created equal.'"

The hairs on our necks stand up when we hear the first sentences of that speech. The idea of a free world is magnificent. For all of us. How is it that there is a universal understanding of freedom? We ALL have a need, a desire, to be free. But free from what? How is it that 7 billion people, who started from just two with nothing but the earth and it's produce, came to the point of despising and exploiting eachother?
   We ALL have a need to be free, free from oppression, from all the 'ists and 'fobics' you can conjour, free from each other. But I believe it's something bigger than that. All of us have a need to be free from sin.
   If only we freed ourselves from selfishness, pride, dishonesty and greed businesses would be fairly run and governments would be honorable and kind to their people. What seems to me like a simple solution of the world's problems of course is complex when I think of my own life and my own sin. Multiplying my sins by 7 billion I see quickly that it's no wonder the world is so messed up. But thank God that we have a Saviour able to clear a world of debt. Thank God we have a Father who loves us more than Himself. Sometimes it feels as though there is no way out but there is always light at the end of the tunnel if only we look up to Him.

The Speech: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Have_a_Dream

God only knows what I'd be without you.

  I can't believe I've not written anything here for about a month and a half and I apologise to any of you that enjoy my little whims and stories. My last post was about me trying to trust that things would work out and what do you know, a month and a half later things are almost perfect. I have moved back to Dundee in preparation for starting Uni again in September into a charming flat with a lovely flatmate in a fantastic location (a street away from the main shopping centre/10 minutes away from Uni). I also have a job at a local coffee shop - Henry's Coffee House - the second of two stores owned by some local people and the other store has open mic nights which I'm hoping to get involved in and I'll let you know if I do!
  So yes, I'm working a couple of days a week and loving settling into my new flat and getting to know my flatmate. One thing I would request is for some prayers that my student finance gets sorted out. Some misunderstandings and lack of correct advice has meant my application may not get in on time so I'm still 'concerned' on that front. Lord willing, all will be fine, and I'm assuming He wants me to get my degree...

   Throughout July I was trying to sort out a flat for me to move into and found one, as well as working and packing! My sister came back from her epic journeys in Central America and Texas and we (again) saw some American friends in London. I had the girls from work over one night and we had some amazing chats, and I also received leaving gifts from three of them <3 It's funny how you can make such good friends in such little time!

  My Dad drove me up with my sister at the end of July as we all went to Camp Tayside for a week. The morning we were due at camp I had an interview at the coffee house and a trial shift set up for the Monday after camp. Held inbetween Dundee and Forfar Camp Tayside is a summer camp for 8-17 year olds run by the Dundee congregation and other Young Adults in the UK. This year we had a couple from the States, of whom Jason was the main speaker at the week. The theme was 'I AM News' and we acted as a news team researching and reporting on this 'Jesus character' from the first century. It was such a good week, really uplifting to see young children so intrigued about our Saviour and encouraging to see them lifting one another up. I was a councillor alongside one of my great friends Amy and we had a room of wonderful girls who were cheeky and funny and made it a week full of smiles.
   The Monday after camp I had a trial shift at the café and the next day I had my first shift. Needless to say it's been one busy month so far.

  I have been visiting Scott as well and we attended his cousin's wedding at the beginning of August. It was a beautiful affair with deer skulls and woodsy ornamentals as centre pieces. There were some beautiful desserts brought by guests which were displayed on tables with old pictures of the Bride and Groom and their families in frames around them. (Picking up some good ideas!)
   I'm going to a wedding reception tomorrow of one of my good friends in Dundee, she was my boss a couple of years ago so we go back a while and it'll be an experience as she's Muslim so the ceremony, décor and dress will be interesting, I'm excited. And I'm sure I'll post pictures for those interested.

   As far as Thoughts of Shelly Marie goes I've not had any revelations lately, perhaps except that I've learned that things will work out - one way or another. I reiterate from my last post that we are not alone, and I'm excited to get back to writing my book.
   Now I have my own space and time to myself I think I can really get back into remembering, I got upset last Sunday because we sat in church and we sang something about getting to heaven one day and I thought to myself again 'Mum's already there'. It still gets me that she's not here, I really find it hard to grasp that I can't ring her and tell her what (flatmate) Claire's like, and I can't ask her what colours I should accentuate in my bathroom. I can't tell her what Scott's cousin's wedding was like or tell her about the cool crafty things they had and I can't tell her that I miss her. It's just strange, and I wish it were different, and I wonder if I'll ever know why.
   But I'll trust in the One who makes all things and knows all things and hope that I'm on the right path.

   Be safe, stay excellent, thanks for reading. x

 Check these out as well if you like:
My boy's new tune (he's working on his band's album!) Unheard Song:
https://soundcloud.com/sejgalloway/unheard-song
[Also listen to his cover of God Only Knows originally by the Beech Boys. It's fabulous. And it's stuck in my head!]

And an interesting article 'My Husband Is Not My Soulmate':
http://theartinlife.wordpress.com/2013/07/22/my-husband-is-not-my-soul-mate/

O Sleeper & Little Hands

Friday 22nd Feb
   I am so tired. 
It definitely has something to do with the mere 3 and a half hours sleep I had last night having been up with some good friends talking 'til 4 am. It mostly has to with the crazy amount, and range, of emotions I've been feeling lately. Some things aren't very easy to 'sleep off' - some things fatigue you so deeply that you carry them like a force within you, feeling the slight drag of each step and the pause before each kind smile...

Saturday 23rd Feb
   After I wrote that last night we had dinner with the people that had arrived for the family seminar weekend here in Gemunden. We had some singing and a devotional after dinner and then free time before bed. I had been feeling 'weary and heavy laden' with worries about home, a job, friends, and grief, but something happened that evening which took that sense of helplessness away. One of the women who had arrived brought with her her three children, two girls aged 5 and 2 and a baby boy of 6 months. I was making a cup of tea in the kitchen when the youngest girl, Lucy, came up to me and just stood and looked up at me. I looked at her and said 'hello' and she mumbled something inaudible. Crouching down to her I asked her what she said and she looked at me and said "Can you sing me a song?" I laughed, and she smiled cheekily back. It was so random, and so sweet, so I obliged and sang a bit of 'Jesus Loves Me'.
   The family sat opposite us at dinner and we got better acquainted, after clearing up and sitting down to sing, Lucy climbed under the table over to me and sat on my lap whilst we sang. Her sister proceeded to follow and I shuffled over in my seat so she could share it with me. A few hours earlier I had been dwelling with a great sadness and there I sat with two beautiful children who wanted to be near me, singing God's praises, holding their little hands. It was wonderful. 

   This weekend Monte Cox is giving lessons entitled 'The Word became flesh', talking about the true nature of Jesus - not just knowing the Bible but knowing the Author well enough to follow and represent Him. He spoke about an idea written in 'The Jesus I Never Knew' how the only King to ever chose his Mother and place of birth was Jesus - who chose to be born to a teenager, in a stable trough. He was put in a position where, when he met the outcast of society, he could speak to them as equals having been so low in social rankings himself. He gave hope to the helpless, and last night, holding that little girl's hand gave me hope too. For someone so small and actually helpless to want to be with me, even when sometimes I feel so small and helpless myself, well, it felt good.
   In helping others we help ourselves; in loving others, we are loved; and in sharing happiness the heart is glad.

What is in a word?

   I have had the pleasure of sorting through a lot of things in our family home over the past few months, today my sister and I disassembled and reassembled a wardrobe and I am in the process of filling it with my things. Why tell you this, of course, to share with you my thoughts upon coming across a small box filled to the brim of the most wonderful things this world could ever behold.

   It is not money nor rare jewels, literally, but they are words. Words of kindness, inspiration and pure love, which are jewels of their own kind. Over the years I have collected notes I have received from various friends and acquaintances and saved them in this little box. I forget about it, come back to it time to time and have a feel-good rummage. Today I knew I was going to be moving my things and knew I would encounter this stash of paper, and I knew it would give me a warmth, but I did not expect to be overwhelmed, and I was.

   As I went through the misshapen pieces of paper and card reading all scrawls of handwriting I felt a lump form in my throat, and caught myself well up in all the niceties of the correspondences. Some of the authors I taught at Camp, others were my councillors from years ago, others were childhood friends, a few were from Teachers at school, some from life-long friends, some from my sister and some from Mum. 

No matter how much I know of it between different people, different countries and different times in my life, Love continues to astound and bewilder me.

Sometimes I think I know what it's all about, service and kindness to others. But sometimes it's about sacrifice and believing in someone when they don't believe in themselves. I know how I have felt over this year and a bit and it certainly hasn't always been chipper. I know what I have done in my life and I am a sinner like everyone else. But I have these lovely words to go back to and remember that I am capable of doing something wonderful, I am able to be better than I think.

   I hope that you have received kind words from friends in the past. I hope you have been told that you are loved, treasured, needed, for without you this world just wouldn't be the same. I pray you understand that these are true, they are sentiments from me, but most of all they are sentiments from God to all his Children. 

     My Child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

   I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

   My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

   If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

   When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

   I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

   Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is… Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, YourFather,

Almighty God

- - - - - - - - - -

   P.s. Readers, this is part 1 of 2. There will be something else, related, coming to you soon. 

Peace and love. 

Others have excuses, I have my reasons why.

   A few weeks ago a 12 year old boy at my church in Corby gave a prayer in which he asked God to help us each with our "personal battles and private wars". I thought it was so eloquently put I wrote it down, it's a phrase which says a lot about a 12 year old's understanding of the people around him, because I know I have personal battles and am fighting my own private wars. I'm sure you are too.


   My sister and I watched 'The Social Network' last night, a film depicting the events surrounding the creation of Facebook, the largest social networking site in the world. The shocking thing about the site is how popular it became (and remains) in such a short amount of time. Zuckerburg and this 12 year old boy understand that people are all about people, and that people all have problems. We are all more alike than we would like to think. Since the beginning of time man's heart has remained the same, I believe that our problems stem from selfishness, of our own doing or someone else's, or they are dealt to us through circumstance and human dysfunction. Whilst some may preach that specific objects, groups and devices are evil, I argue that everything is what we make of it, and the decisions we make are ultimately down to the intentions in our heart.
   This blog has had almost 7000 views since I started it last May. I'm grateful that so many take the time to read my words, but it doesn't surprise me that the majority of readers would be able to relate with my stories, thoughts and prayers. For this, I love you. If there is one reason we are here it is to glorify the King of Kings, if there is another it is to love each other as He has loved us.

   Upon scrolling through some blogs I follow this week a few issues with encouragements have cropped up that I would like to share.
Courtney shared a pick-me-up quote from an 85 year old woman.
An Unapologetic Dreamer believes we should not only celebrate our similarities but also our differences - culture and otherwise.
Natalie reminds me that bad relationships in the past prepare us for the one good one that lasts.

Here is some simple advice on life and living. Short and sweet. Written by a 90 year old woman from Ohio, so I'm pretty sure it was written after some trial and error.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it..
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...
14 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
16. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
17. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
22. The most important sex organ is the brain.
23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
25. Always choose life.
26. Forgive but don’t forget.
27. What other people think of you is none of your business.
28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does..
31. Believe in miracles.
32. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
34. Your children get only one childhood.
35. All that truly matters in the end is that you Loved.
36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you 'need'.
39. The best is yet to come...
40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
41. Yield.
42. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson 

Death is nothing at all.

   Not long after coming back from the states I went into the small Christian bookshop we have in Peterborough and saw a poem on a wallet-sized card. It has been in my purse ever since and reading it on Monday it gave me the same hope it did months ago, only this time for someone else.

   In 2010 before I moved up to Dundee for University a woman at the church in Corby made me some pretty bunting to decorate the room in which a dinner was held for me, a 'last supper' as it were. Upon exclaiming how CUTE it was, she let me keep it and it decorated the foyer of my flat in Dundee for a year. She's the type of lady who loves a cuddle and joke, on numerous occasions I recall her coming up to me from behind and pinching my bottom before asking me to spill all the updates of my life, love and otherwise. In my mind she always wears fashionable leather boots (in a UK size 3 or so because she's tiny), a 3/4 length skirt which flares at the end and a cosy coat (because it's always cold when I'm in Corby!). Our conversations are about fabrics as she had a fabric shop in the marketplace for a while. We speak about Mum and how we miss her; the pair of them were the dependable food-makers for events at Corby and when Mum died she took the load herself, even organising the food for Mum's funeral at our request, and she always did a wonderful job.
 I remember her Mother and her Mother's Mother. As I grew up in the church they 'slipped away to the next room' and a few days before Christmas last year she went to join them. On Monday we said goodbye to her earthly body, knowing she is already at peace with her maker. Her three children, husband, Father, sisters and friends are in the same room as you and I, waiting, hoping and praying to see her again soon.


Death is Nothing at All

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

  - Henry Scott Holland

If.

   These past few weeks of being home after America and my Birthday have been such a roller coaster. I miss friends in America and Scotland and even those that are closer but haven't yet been able to see. I have renewed some old friendships and made new ones too, and I'm forever grateful for the opportunities God gives me in that. But I find that adjusting to the way Dad does things in the house is a task in itself, and learning how to live together again is a work in progress. Sorting things in the house is a mission, not one I relish in but one that needs done, and eventually maybe we'll get the place looking like Christmastime. 
   Often I wish I had been the one to go, and not Mum. I think she would know what things were and where they were meant to go, what needs kept, who to send Christmas cards to and maybe even know their addresses by heart. In dark times I wonder who I can pour my heart to, who will encourage me, who will tell me everything will be OK, because that used to be Mum. Now, I have close friends, and you. I write words and shoot them out into cyberspace and you read them. I hope they make you think, I pray they are useful to you as they are to me writing them.
   A few of my friends have started blogs recently, Cassidy (infamous on here by now) put this poem on her blog a few days ago and checking up on her posts tonight I read it and felt as though Rudyard was talking to me. 
   I know I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me but it helps to have friends supporting me too, so thank you.

If.   
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
’ Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And - which is more - you’ll be a Man, my son!

                                                        — Rudyard Kipling

Remember, remember...

 I am back from my travels with Dad in America! We are safe and soundly back on British ground and even though I was sad to leave, I am happy to be here, and thankful it was a smooth journey. More on that later, though.
   Upon coming into Peterborough I recognised the Showcase Cinema (We need to upgrade to an Odeon...) the Peterborough Cathedral and the race track where Oswald's House won Sports Day when I was Vice-Captain (thought I'd slip that in somewhere!). Memories flooded back to my time here growing up, and although I hadn't been away long - except the two years I spent in Dundee at University - I found I had missed it, and in many ways this is my true home. 
   Memory is an interesting thing as when I stepped out into the brisk, but surprisingly dry, weather I couldn't help but feel that it was Christmas time. After all it was cold, and I was at home. Coming into the house was strange too - everything was more or less as we had left it, I just remember there being less mess... ;]

   Before Mum passed away I had a creeping fear that I would forget her. That I would forget how she was before she became ill some 5 years previous, then forget her laugh, her smile, her subtle Northern Irish accent.. I was afraid that over time, the 19 years I spent with her would fade from recall and become too distant and blurry that she would cease to be a part of my mind, and essentially, cease to be a part of me. 
   A few days ago Britain celebrated what is known as Guy Fawkes Night, or Bonfire Night, where the countries remember 'gunpowder, treason and plot'. We celebrate the capture of Guy Fawkes in 1605 as he was about ready to blow the House of Lords to smithereens with barrels of gunpowder he had meticulously stowed and was guarding before he got the go ahead to light them. We do this by having bonfires, fireworks, sparklers and other things pyromaniacs would be jolly excited about. Today Sunday 11th November is also our country's (And the rest of the Commonwealth's) Armistice Day, or Poppy Day, (or Veteran's Day if you're in America) falling conveniently on the same day as Remembrance Sunday, where we remember the lives and sacrifices many people have made in service to our country. Celebrated since the end of the War To End All Wars, specifically after the signing of the Treaty of Versailles to end WWI - on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month. At the time 11:11 we hold a minute's silence in respect and reverence.
   As people, we are mortal. We are not meant to last forever, our bodies decay - to the pessimist, every hour we live brings us closer to our last. But this is a fact of life. We celebrate and set apart periods of time to actively ponder upon events or people who have impacted our lives, out of love. It is brilliant to remember these things once a year, to make them special and truly lifted up above all other things on that one day. So celebrate your freedoms, celebrate others who have made your life wonderful, do not be idle and forget those who love you - for in your time of need they will not forget you.

   We remember because it is an act of love - to spare a thought for the one who brings you joy.

"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers." Ephesians 1:16


   We must remember before it is too late and we forget.

"Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, 'I find no pleasure in them.'" Ecclesiastes 12:1

    We remember so that we have hope for the future, and a continuous motivation to keep us going.

"But I have said these things to you, that when their hour comes you may remember that I told them to you." John 15:11
"These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." 16:4
"These things I command you, so that you will love one another." 15:17

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." 16:33

"People will not remember what you say, they may not even remember what you do, but they will remember how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

Here is a poem based on the rhyme 'Remember, Remember'  which is told to remember Guy Fawkes on November the 5th...

[[
Remember, remember, wee child, your Creator,

Every morn when you awake from your sleep.

For when you closed your weary eyes, you said your goodbyes

To the world, but He graced you and let you to keep.

Remember, remember, my friend, your defender,

In days of sweet joy and lonely pain,

For he created them together - the one and the other,

For purposes unknown until He let it be shown through His plan ultimately in gain.

Remember, remember, dear brother, your redeemer,

When you see the poor man by the way,

Be he poor in his pocket or heart under lock, it

Is surely your duty to share with him the bounty of good news you enjoy every day.

So remember, remember, every time you surrender,

That you are highest when in prostrate to Him;

For He lifts up the weak, richly blesses the meek,

So fear not when you fail, for His LOVE will prevail overall for the ultimate win.
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