'Tis the season...

I hope you had a Merry Christmas and I wish a Happy New Year to all my readers!
   I apologise for being awfully absent from blogging, but I'm sure you've all been busy over the holidays and will forgive my tardiness.
   This year's Christmas, like last year's, was very different from all the rest we have had as a family. Last year was the first Christmas without Mum and Aubrey. Mum had recently passed away so her absence was felt constantly, and Aubrey was on a Caribbean cruise with Sara for their honeymoon. We tried to enjoy ourselves, but the stress of preparations along with emotional battles made us exhausted, feeling that we were 'going through the motions'. We did our best.
   This year was the first Christmas that Aubrey and his wife Sara celebrated with us, Shanae has also moved home for a bit so once again we had 5 Boyns' round the table for Christmas, it was rather lovely. As Father Christmas has an awfully busy schedule, us 'childer' have had to accept that he no longer visits us, giving younger ones the magical experience we had in our childhood, and so the tradition of opening a sack full of presents in the wee hours of Christmas morning have somewhat changed. The weeks leading up to the big day, I spent sorting boxes all over the house and cleaning, rearranging so we have a bit more order and space. We bought our tree in the traditional Boyns' fashion - promptly on the 23rd December, and spent the next day finishing off decorations, whilst also rearranging the living room furniture on Christmas Eve!
   We woke up Christmas Morning, had breakfast - sponsored by Capain' Crunch and Lucky Charms - got ready and went up the village to place a Christmas heart wreath on Mum's grave. We saw a few other people in the yard as well, remembering their loved ones on such a pivotal family holiday. It was nice to spend a few moments remembering how things used to be, and thinking how strange it is to be able to carry on after such a significant part of us is gone.
   The rest of the day was spent enjoying cooking Christmas dinner together, watching the Queen's Speech, listening to Dad's speech, and opening gifts from each other in the evening. On Boxing Day we had our first visit from 'extended family' that being Sara's parents and her sister, and we enjoyed a second Christmas Dinner with even more people crammed into our little dining room. Our Christmases always involve scrounging to find spare chairs, hearing bad jokes and having wrapping-paper-ball fights, and I'm jolly glad they do.

   I felt this year for the first time that I really can make the holiday special, by simply playing my part. Parents know they have important roles to play in getting their children's wish lists to Santa [amongst other things], and grandparents know they can spoil their grandchildren as much as they like because - it's Christmas. Older siblings' roles are to be a united front in making sure the parents aren't driven crazy by too many little jobs, as well as keeping a flow of laughter circulating the house. The little children are there to remind us of the magic surrounding these holidays, the feeling that whatever you wish for can come true, that there is a man in the sky who will bring us the things we need, and that no matter what happens for the rest of the year Christmas will always mean family, hope, joy and lots of cake.

If.

   These past few weeks of being home after America and my Birthday have been such a roller coaster. I miss friends in America and Scotland and even those that are closer but haven't yet been able to see. I have renewed some old friendships and made new ones too, and I'm forever grateful for the opportunities God gives me in that. But I find that adjusting to the way Dad does things in the house is a task in itself, and learning how to live together again is a work in progress. Sorting things in the house is a mission, not one I relish in but one that needs done, and eventually maybe we'll get the place looking like Christmastime. 
   Often I wish I had been the one to go, and not Mum. I think she would know what things were and where they were meant to go, what needs kept, who to send Christmas cards to and maybe even know their addresses by heart. In dark times I wonder who I can pour my heart to, who will encourage me, who will tell me everything will be OK, because that used to be Mum. Now, I have close friends, and you. I write words and shoot them out into cyberspace and you read them. I hope they make you think, I pray they are useful to you as they are to me writing them.
   A few of my friends have started blogs recently, Cassidy (infamous on here by now) put this poem on her blog a few days ago and checking up on her posts tonight I read it and felt as though Rudyard was talking to me. 
   I know I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me but it helps to have friends supporting me too, so thank you.

If.   
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
’ Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And - which is more - you’ll be a Man, my son!

                                                        — Rudyard Kipling

Hold on when you feel like letting go.

   A passage I have always loved is "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep," but what happens when people do those things at the same time?

   When Mum passed away, we did not mourn as others mourned. We had Faith that she was not gone, she just relocated, and we will see her again. Our anticipatory grieving had our hearts and minds unravelling for years, but we rejoiced in our hope and in knowing she was no longer suffering. Confusion was particularly prominent the weeks surrounding her death. Last year Dad, Shanae and I celebrated Christmas. We already knew it was going to be different last year with Aubrey and Sara being away on their honeymoon, but without Mum as well, it was quite an awful occasion. We went through the motions, and I clung to our childhood traditions, trying to clasp an essence of festive normality.
   I am reminded of Mum's absence every day and special occasions are times when we would all definitely be together. So whilst preparing for our annual get together, as well as rejoicing with those who rejoice at this time, we will mourn with others who mourn. Like every day, it will be hard. Because I now understand this more, I am aware of others close to me who are struggling this month, and would like to make you aware of them also to keep them in thoughts and prayers.
  
   One of my school friends passed away recently, and I am reminded of another school friend who's brother was found drowned in a river about two years ago.
   We have family friends are going through tough times with the Mother having been diagnosed with terminal cancer in the summer.
   Other friends have just had twins, both in and out of ICU at just a month old today, whilst also caring for their other two children at home.
   Another of my friends feels she can't celebrate Christmas this year, it wouldn't feel right without her Grandfather around; whilst another friend's family will try and celebrate Christmas even though their Mother decided to leave them a few months ago.
   A guy I know is having to face the possibility of getting a prosthetic foot for Christmas this year, he's in constant agonising pain with it but uses his situation to encourage others around him in hospital. A true fighter.
   I read an article about a couple who know their baby is going to die soon after the birth at Christmas. They will have spent just over 9 months with their daughter, the majority of it without seeing what she looks like.
   These are just a few of the situations I am aware of, there are several more I haven't mentioned, including things on the news, and I know you know hundreds more. Whilst some may wish to forget their troubles and anxieties at Christmas time others can not, and must soldier on, knowing they won't have a normal, happy Christmas this year - and maybe not ever again.

   Santa's Grottos, bright lights, red hats and rosy smiling faces, the Christmas hustle and bustle is something which can not easily be escaped for those who may wish to dodge it this year. For those worrying about things other than matching Christmas crackers, well-wrapped gifts, uneven window lights and misspelled greetings cards, my heart goes out to you. I pray that you find a peace in the chaos of the season, I hope you find a joy in today just like any other day and I wish you all the best in whatever you find yourself doing this month.

If you are wanting to do something to help those perhaps not looking forward to the holiday season because they aren't able to celebrate, Shelter and Operation Christmas Child are two great charities which you can look into and maybe even help them along in their quest to spread the love.

Home is where the Heart is.

Hello England!
   I have shared with you my emotional and thinking process in me moving out of my city flat into a family home after Mum's passing. And also a little in thoughts about a possible move in the future - but these past 8 weeks have given me a new thought on the phrase 'Home is where the Heart is'. In this time I have come to a greater understanding of what it could really mean, and how it will affect me for the rest of my life.

   Someone asked me the other day how many new 'Facebook friends' I had added over my time in the States. I wasn't quite sure, as I think only a month's additions is shown on your page and mine said 15 'new friends', but the number is probably double that (by mathematical calculation). That is not to be boasting at all, it is merely to say I have met that many people who I would like to keep in touch with. The only boasting I can do, is in that I am part of such a wonderful family that allows me to care for a lot of people, and vice versa. I am quite an open person, and find it quite easy to talk to just about anybody. I tend to get comfortable with people quickly, and because of this I get to share such interesting things with them. There are three things I want to tell you to make my point:

     Firstly, Cassidy is a girl I met in Henderson, TN. We spent some time together and within just 3 days became so close. We have some things in common, I couldn't necessarily tell you what her 'favourites were' - except pugs - but we bonded over mutual grounding and a fundamental understanding which leads us to strive to be the women we want to be. It is an honour to know her. My friendship with her is just one of many I was blessed with in my time away.

    Secondly, years ago I was at a Youth Weekend (retreat) in a girls' class we were talking about 'how far is too far' - you know the lesson - and it was mentioned that even holding a boy's hand is like giving him a piece of your Heart (so you need to be careful you don't give yourself away before you meet that one person you want to share everything with.) I use this lesson as an analogy - rather than physical aspects of love I am talk about sharing acts of kindness, experiences, memories and wisdom which I call Love.

     Thirdly, I thoroughly enjoy getting to know people. I find people fascinating. How different we all are, yet how similar our Hearts tend to be. We hear expressions like 'I could never love them more than I do right now' or 'my whole heart belongs to you' and I have been there. Yet I continue to Love and Love and Love, and even when my Heart feels broken, or shattered, I still find capacity to Love all the more. If you have children you truly understand how your Heart seems bottomless, because even with each new addition to the family you Love them the same, unconditional, utmost amount. 

   N.B. With these things considered I have seen that we were made to Love one another. As a Christian I believe we were made to Love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength - first and foremost, but there is always room to Love your neighbour as yourself.

    So, I was really upset the night before we left America. I couldn't quite figure out why until it came together in my head like this: I was sad because I felt as though I had gained so much, had so many fantastic memories, pictures, souvenirs, gifts to take back with me, but I also felt as though I was leaving something behind. Every teary-eyed conversation, be it from common sorrows or sheer hilarity, made an impact on me. I felt as though pieces of my Heart had been left with these moments and these people I had encountered. I fell in-love with fellowship, with the different relationships we can have with one another. 

   I am blessed to have been given many opportunities in my life to really get to know and Love people. Some so well that I think that when we Love someone we give them a piece of our Heart for strength and safe keeping. Whether it's crying together over similar struggles of grief at a dining table with sweet ice tea, playing card games and end up talking about past relationships with a new acquaintance, sitting beneath the stars talking about hopes and dreams with someone you've always-known-but-have-never-really-known, you're sharing your Love with people.

   Going back to the phrase 'Home is where the Heart is', I am learning that Home really IS where your Heart is. Be it in one place or a hundred. The truly awesome thing about Love is that it is infinite, it is overwhelming and it sometimes does surpass understanding - to the extent even that a born and bred Brit can feel 'at home' sippin' sweet tea and shootin' skeet with the best of 'em. ;] I consider my family to be one that extends to many wonderful people across the pond, and I realise 'yeah, I could get used to this...'
   But when I sat, a little begrudgingly, in 39A on the plane in Nashville airport, knowing I would not get a decent sleep or meal for the next 24 hours, a face with a smile came into my mind and I stopped caring about how I would get home, just that I would. I knew that I was travelling back to a place where I had stored little, medium and large pieces of my Heart, and everything was OK. 
   Home is where your Heart is. Be it vested in your family, friends, acquaintances, cultural traditions, land history or hopes for a brighter future, when possible, people will go where they most want to be. For me, for now, it is in the house I grew up in, the residence in which my Mother and Father built a home, the place I first learned to truly Love. So, yes, I am happy to be home.

Remember, remember...

 I am back from my travels with Dad in America! We are safe and soundly back on British ground and even though I was sad to leave, I am happy to be here, and thankful it was a smooth journey. More on that later, though.
   Upon coming into Peterborough I recognised the Showcase Cinema (We need to upgrade to an Odeon...) the Peterborough Cathedral and the race track where Oswald's House won Sports Day when I was Vice-Captain (thought I'd slip that in somewhere!). Memories flooded back to my time here growing up, and although I hadn't been away long - except the two years I spent in Dundee at University - I found I had missed it, and in many ways this is my true home. 
   Memory is an interesting thing as when I stepped out into the brisk, but surprisingly dry, weather I couldn't help but feel that it was Christmas time. After all it was cold, and I was at home. Coming into the house was strange too - everything was more or less as we had left it, I just remember there being less mess... ;]

   Before Mum passed away I had a creeping fear that I would forget her. That I would forget how she was before she became ill some 5 years previous, then forget her laugh, her smile, her subtle Northern Irish accent.. I was afraid that over time, the 19 years I spent with her would fade from recall and become too distant and blurry that she would cease to be a part of my mind, and essentially, cease to be a part of me. 
   A few days ago Britain celebrated what is known as Guy Fawkes Night, or Bonfire Night, where the countries remember 'gunpowder, treason and plot'. We celebrate the capture of Guy Fawkes in 1605 as he was about ready to blow the House of Lords to smithereens with barrels of gunpowder he had meticulously stowed and was guarding before he got the go ahead to light them. We do this by having bonfires, fireworks, sparklers and other things pyromaniacs would be jolly excited about. Today Sunday 11th November is also our country's (And the rest of the Commonwealth's) Armistice Day, or Poppy Day, (or Veteran's Day if you're in America) falling conveniently on the same day as Remembrance Sunday, where we remember the lives and sacrifices many people have made in service to our country. Celebrated since the end of the War To End All Wars, specifically after the signing of the Treaty of Versailles to end WWI - on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month. At the time 11:11 we hold a minute's silence in respect and reverence.
   As people, we are mortal. We are not meant to last forever, our bodies decay - to the pessimist, every hour we live brings us closer to our last. But this is a fact of life. We celebrate and set apart periods of time to actively ponder upon events or people who have impacted our lives, out of love. It is brilliant to remember these things once a year, to make them special and truly lifted up above all other things on that one day. So celebrate your freedoms, celebrate others who have made your life wonderful, do not be idle and forget those who love you - for in your time of need they will not forget you.

   We remember because it is an act of love - to spare a thought for the one who brings you joy.

"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers." Ephesians 1:16


   We must remember before it is too late and we forget.

"Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, 'I find no pleasure in them.'" Ecclesiastes 12:1

    We remember so that we have hope for the future, and a continuous motivation to keep us going.

"But I have said these things to you, that when their hour comes you may remember that I told them to you." John 15:11
"These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." 16:4
"These things I command you, so that you will love one another." 15:17

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." 16:33

"People will not remember what you say, they may not even remember what you do, but they will remember how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

Here is a poem based on the rhyme 'Remember, Remember'  which is told to remember Guy Fawkes on November the 5th...

[[
Remember, remember, wee child, your Creator,

Every morn when you awake from your sleep.

For when you closed your weary eyes, you said your goodbyes

To the world, but He graced you and let you to keep.

Remember, remember, my friend, your defender,

In days of sweet joy and lonely pain,

For he created them together - the one and the other,

For purposes unknown until He let it be shown through His plan ultimately in gain.

Remember, remember, dear brother, your redeemer,

When you see the poor man by the way,

Be he poor in his pocket or heart under lock, it

Is surely your duty to share with him the bounty of good news you enjoy every day.

So remember, remember, every time you surrender,

That you are highest when in prostrate to Him;

For He lifts up the weak, richly blesses the meek,

So fear not when you fail, for His LOVE will prevail overall for the ultimate win.
]]

Travel Journal #1

   Hello Readers! 

Of course you've been dying to know what shenannegans I have played part in on this wonderful continent, and you shall find out all right here. I blogged the day after our arrival across the pond and if you missed it, you can read about the journey here:

http://thoughtsofshellymarie.blogspot.com/2012/09/safely-arrival-across-pond.html
Otherwise, the rest of this post will take the form of a Travel Journal, as well as future travel updates. Enjoy!

     Tuesday 18th September 

London - Chicago - Nashville - Gallatin

     Wednesday 19th September

Woke up to a beautiful poolside sight. Sat in the glorious heat for a bit, went to the church building to pick up the projector for presentations. Anna May made me a pitcher of sweet tea! Evening service at Bill and Anna May's congregation.

     Thursday 20th September

Late start, went shopping for some cowboy boots for me - no success. Looked round the Opryland Hotel, where we took lots of pictures and rode round the river on the wee boat. Went to TNT (Church youth group) with Will, beat him in pool :P then we got sweet tea from MacDonald's - Only in the South.. He then taught me how to drive in a parking lot! Introduced him to some decent British music and chatted for hours. Great times.

     Friday 21st September

Sunbathed! Something we don't get to do properly in Scotland... Dad went to see Ian Starrs for lunch and Gina came over with the boys, we chatted by the pool (as you do) then got stuff sorted for a big family meal.
   The children and grandchildren of the couple we're staying with all came over - The Carnes' (Jeff and Annette, Will and Clay), the Anderson's (Reid and Sheila, Ivieann and Allie) and the Butterfield's (Keith and Gina, Steven, David, Jonathan and Matthew). 

   Jeff brought over his guitar and after we ate we set up a bonfire and I played and sang for a bit. Lovely stuff. Then Clay, his friend Nick, Will and I drove to 'the ridge' to see the city lights at night, then casually on up to Kentucky and back. Just for a ride, so I've now been to Kentucky! Got malts from Sonic. So good.

     Saturday 22nd September

Went to Allie's softball game in the morning, she's quite the wee pitcher and her team won 12-2 so they're pretty good! Got cowboy boots!! On sale, twice over, good deal. 
Went quad biking, or 'four-wheeling' and had a bit of an accident... But I'm fine! Wasn't THAT bad of an accident, but I've got a few bruises I'll recover from easily and I bust my lip open, and they know lots of people who repair bikes... On top of that I got stung twice by a wasp, for the first time. I'm not allergic - thankfully. 

Then we went to the Grand Ole Opry (after me putting on lots of make up to cover the bruise developing on my cheek..) in Nashville - the show that made country music famous! Also the oldest show streamed on live radio - so there was an announcer who read out sponsor's advertisements which added greatly to the comedy factor. The show is a must if you're ever near Nashville, the line up changes frequently. We saw: John Conlee, Eden's Edge, Connie Smith, Mke Snider, Andy Gibson, Exile, Jean Shepherd, Jesse McReynolds, Opry Square Dancers, Riders In The Sky, Jimmy C. Newman and Lee Greenwood. Jolly Good times. 

     Sunday 23rd September

Wore my new boots to church! Exciting stuff. Had pot luck lunch with the congregation and a few people had heard me sing in the service and wanted to sing more with me so a small group of us sat on the pews and sang for about half an hour, was lovely. Some of the folk were heading to a nursing home to sing some more, so we went with them. Will and I went to Sonic after that, drove round for a bit and hung out with Clay before going to the evening service at their church. Went for dinner with Will, Clay, Nick, Caleb and his sister (church friends) at O'Charlie's then got ice cream at Baskin and Robinson's! Back to Bill and Anna May's where Clay proceeded to give Dad an hour long crash course on American football, so we're both quite clued up on the game now! 

     Monday 24th September

Up early to have breakfast with Anna May and Will. Got ready, did washing, edited photos from Saturday. Went to Walmart after lunch, got a cute maxi dress for $9! And some pj things for me, Shanae and Sara :] also some snacks for the journey tomorrow - Root Beer, Dr P, Gatorade, Ritz, Oreos and mini Snickers. Had dinner at Chilli's with Bill and Anna May, Annette, Dad, Will and Clay, then went to their church service - Can I get an Aaamen'ah. Went bowling with Caleb and Will, and I lost APPAULINGLY. Dang it. 

     Tuesday 25th September

Today I slept in, got up at about 8.30. Annette came over with Reid for lunch, we had roast ham and veg with rice, brownies and ice cream for pudding - feast! Nom. Dad and I left at about 1.30 for Henderson. Beata and Alex (children of Blackwelder's) contacted us to ask if I wanted to go with them to volunteer at a ranch which charitably, in association with a children's disability clinic, hosts sessions with physical therapists to take children round on horses  doing various activities with them whilst they practice their balance and use different muscle groups in positions on the horses. I said of course, so we met with them, and they showed me their own horses and goat and dogs before taking me to the ranch. 

It was really fun, Beata led the horse in '8' shapes, in circles and such whilst the therapist interacted with the child on the horse, Alex and I holding onto the harness to keep him steady as we went along. It was a really good experience and the wee man did so well, when we told him to kneel on the horse he went straight and stood up, clearly having seen others do it before and just thought -nope, not messing about with that, just go straight to it! Brilliant. I'll definitely look into doing it somewhere in the UK... 

   After that we went to Sonic and I got a burger and a shake nom nom nom. Then Alex drove me to Steve and Marie's. Here now, Marie and I got talking about University and English things, was lovely. Leaving for chapel tomorrow at 10 then lunch then skadoosh to Searcy! 

There's no goodbyes here...

So this year has been insane. As you probably know - Dad and I are heading out to America - TOMORROW. Yes, the time has come, as it always does eventually. I have some diary accounts coming your way soon, leading up to Mum's departure. So as my Father and I depart from this country it is strange to have said goodbye to everyone, even for just 7 weeks. Wee Eli Duncan will be so big by the time I get back and it's hard even knowing I'm not able to see him grow and flourish with his cheeky personality in this time. Thinking of this, I can't imagine how hard it would be to say goodbye to everyone you knew - forever - so how about 'See you soon', because in one way or another it's true.

   Watching 'The Bucket List' the other day this issue of 'time to say goodbye' comes up. Morgan Freeman's character quotes that 96% of those asked would prefer not to know their date of death. I conquer with that 96% sometimes, feeling it would only make me worry and limit the ambition and freedom I have, other days I lean towards the other 4%, wanting to know just how long I have to make the impact I want to make. But - why wait? Whether you know or not - If you have something worth doing, do it now! 

   I am a passionate person, and sometimes I can make decisions rashly but it is not for lack of thinking. Quite the opposite. I weigh decisions for doing and for not doing something and I always get back to this feeling of mortality - our time on this earth is limited, but we have never ending opportunities to make our mark if only we would get the courage to take them.

   When I wrote these entries I only knew what I was told from what the Doctors could tell of my Mum's situation. Read, and I'll conclude... 

[[

Saturday 17th September 2011

   Last night Dad rang and told me Mum is in critical condition.

The doctors say that is Aubrey and Sara are serious about wanting Mum at their wedding then they might want to think about bringing it forward. I think they mean that she might not last the winter.

The doctors asked Mum if her heart stopped, would she want them to resuscitate her?

    She said “No”.

But who would want to go through this again? Who could?

So Mum may not see Aubrey get married after all. Nor me, or Shanae. She may not see any grandchildren.

    I may bury my Mum before my 21st Birthday. What about my 20th? Will this be our last Christmas? Was this our last Summer?

Do I quit Uni? She could have 2 more years at least - who knows?

    God knows. I wish he’d tell me…

I’d have to pay my rent still, if I quit Uni. And tax. And my overdraft. Financially it doesn't make sense. But again, how can you put a price on memories of your Mother...

I’m going home the weekend of the 23rd/24th, and also the weekend after that for her 50th Birthday.

    So much planning. So much travel - Time, money...

Hassle? Never.

Just is.

Craig is with me this weekend, so I’m not alone. Going to his tonight, coming back here Monday.

I don’t want to get married, or have children, or grow old, without her. I don’t know if I can.

I don’t want to have to close her eyes. I don’t want her to go. Even if it’s to a better place.

-------

September 17th 2011 21:06

Spoke to Mum briefly on her phone next to her bed in hospital. 

She said “I Love You. Always remember that.” 

She said 'Always', as if she won't be here to tell me herself...

She speaks with whisps, I can’t really hear her well.

She says she doesn’t know what God has planned for her. Neither do I.

]]

   Mum didn't make her 50th, or my 20th, and that was our last summer. When I first re-read that entry, after the fact, I burst into tears, my chest clamped over my heart and I physically hurt with a stabbing pain. Utter shock that mere days could change my world so much, and I re-evaluated my life plan. What I dreamed of having eventually - husband, children - I wanted instantly and thought 'Why wait? We might not have time to wait!' Whilst this is true, I have remembered that patience is a virtue, and everything will happen in God's time if only we let Him. 

   Let go and let God. And if you can't make a decision based on his Word then follow your heart, and let Him guide you from there.

That might be the best advice I ever give you, so you might want to make a note.

I don't know where I will be, who I will be with or what I will be doing for my 21st this year - thought I'd slip that reminder in - in November... But I know I'll be sound in knowing wherever I am God will be with me, and my friends and family won't be far behind. 

 *   *   *   *   *   *

   I'll tell you about our trip more when we actually start it. Though 'til then, here is a ROUGH outline of where we'll be going...

Home is where the Heart is...

   As I am taking a year out from my University studies, I am needing to live somewhere other than my student flat. A couple from church (Bernard and Shirley) kindly offered their home and I gladly accepted. When I was packing my stuff up to move it was so strange. I felt sad that I was leaving my flat but at the same time I was so happy. When I was at Bernard and Shirley’s unpacking and putting stuff away it was so much fun. I have my own room (their eldest daughter's old room) and so much space to put my things.

   I’m finding I can easily make a space my own. When I moved into the city flat I quickly took to hanging stuff up - posters, canvases, bunting, plaques, pictures; placing colour coding nicknacks, homely touches and candles about too… Anna was pleasantly surprised when she came back for term starting, I had made decent contribution to the flat, on top of her splash-out of 4 navy blue blankets for the sofas! It hasn’t always been easy for me to feel comfortable in new places, but I am definitely learning that home is where the heart is.

   Mum never saw my flat in Dundee and I think that makes it easier to move. Mum imagined me in a space depicted by photographs and I guess now she has seen where I lived, and where I will live in the future too. It is hard doing new things without being able to tell her all about it, but I know she knows everything now, and I will say more on this in posts to come. She will be happy that I am living in a caring home. A family home. A warm home.


   Moving reminded me of Christmas last year. The idea that ‘Home is where the Heart is’ was on my mind so prominently a few months ago, and it was frightening to feel that when the biggest heart is taken away, a place can cease to be homely. It was so hard at Christmas being home in Peterborough. There were times when I literally wanted to just up and leave, get away from the unfamiliar space. It suddenly felt so alien, without Mum. Our house in Peterborough is lovely, it is the only home I have ever known living with my whole family, for almost 20 years now. I grew up there, in it resides my childhood and my adolescence. So many memories. And up until the end of September, all with Mum. She loved the ‘Beautiful Homes’ magazines, going through the pictures of the different decors ‘ooh’ing and ‘ah’ing at the different furnishings or wall hangings. She loved to decorate the house, always had something else to do, which in her last years never got done for one reason or another. She was very much into crafts, making cards, painting plaques, knitting, the house is full of her creations, each with some loving or Christian message or cute picture. It was heart breaking to see her hand and character on display in every room, but not herself.
   The house felt empty. Even with Dad, my sister and myself, it just felt empty. Kind of cold. Abandoned. It was as if Mum had been there just seconds ago, organising something, putting papers in a specific place, set aside her knitting for a moment and forgotten, never gone back to it. Like when someone takes off their shoe and their footprint still remains, as was our home.

   I met a guy a few years ago, we were both far away from home. When trying to guess where he was from I couldn’t - his accent was a blend of many I’d heard before, as if he had been in many different places for a long time. It was interesting to learn he was a Londoner, but had been traveling across Asia for 6 months at the time.
   It got me thinking though, about where we come from and who we become. Does the person who you have become reflect your roots? Should it? If the answers to these questions are opposites, then change it. On this earth we appear in a place by chance, we are born into a country and a home not of our choice, what we do with the opportunities God gives us after this fact is our own to control. I have learned that family is not everything. LOVE is. It has been said that ‘friends are the family you chose’, but I would also add that family is the family you chose to love. My Mother and Father were always host to strangers visiting the congregation we were part of, some nights us children would sleep on the floor in a room to accommodate people in our beds. This is Family. Sharing yourself and what you have with others, leaning on each other, rejoicing with each other. If Home is where the Heart is then Family is where the LOVE is.

As a Christian I believe that God is LOVE. My Home is not an earthly one. The LOVE I seek is everlasting, given by the One from whom I cannot run.
   I am no longer afraid of going to new places, meeting new people. If I take LOVE with me, I cannot fear anything, I can only LOVE more.

By the way, I do love our house in Peterborough. It is my home away from Home; Our family’s little piece of heaven.

John 14 was the first part of scripture I ever really read and memorised. It was the first place I randomly opened in my Bible one day many years ago, and it has continued to strike a chord in my heart, being an encouragement for the eternal hope I have in Him.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." [NLT, 1984]