Dread and Delight

This time I really don't know if anyone out there is reading anything on here, I know I haven't for the past 10 months. 

So much has happened, as always. I've learned so much, as per usual - but I've only just begun to understand that this will never change. And I'm super excited because of it.

I have many ups and downs even in a week, sometimes even in a day. I know I'm doing too much, but my theory is that if I'm still able to do it, then why not?

These things being - finishing Uni. All coursework and my dissertation are done. I got ENGAGED (!!!) to the absolute love of my life, and we're actually getting MARRIED in just over SEVEN WEEKS (YAY!!!!). I've just finished updating my CV to get a new job in a new city for moving into a new home in June. All of the newness. There's at least 5 blogposts to be done about all of the above, but we'll get there.

Whilst I have forsaken blogspot for my crazy schedule, the break has done me good. I have still had many thoughts and revelations, and I will share them with you soon. I think the first one will be titled 'Why People Should Stop Saying Everything Happens for a Reason', so, brace yourselves. This is definitely something that's been on my mind especially with Mum's death, but also with how my relationship with to-be-husband has panned out. It's such a throw-away statement which ultimately rejects any kind of responsibility or consequence, and I think it's about time to ditch it. [Rant pending.]

As mentioned, I finished my dissertation. It wasn't that hard. Yep, I said it. It was a big project, very difficult to get my head around the enormity of the subject, but it was really enjoyable, and my tutor was ace. It was on 'Beauty and the Beast', looking at the evolution of the tale from Beaumont's originally popular story in 1756 to the most recent Disney version. It's the best story, and really sums up how our attitudes should be: "You must love something before it is loveable." [Paraphrased G. K. Chesterton]

The title of this post is 'Dread and Delight', and to be honest, they are the themes which have haunted me for the past year. Dreading doing the wrong thing, but ultimately finding delight when I realised that the only thing worth choosing is a relationship with God; and in Him are found an abundance of delights. I could go on and on and on, but right now I have jobs that need applying to.

I'll leave you with that wee update, with a promise to return and indulge you with my tiny wisdoms in the near future.

If you give a little love you can get a little love of your own.

I haven't blogged in a while and I have had a lot to say - just not the time nor the energy to write it.
   When not working as a Barista:

I travelled to and back from Scotland three times this month and have spend 3/4 Sunday church services with the congregation in East Kilbride. 

I went to London twice this month as well, both times with at least one American contingent, giving them some deep British cultural education and wonderment.

I took a day trip to Cambridge with my American best friend. <3

I surprised one of my best friends for her son's first Birthday party in Dundee.

Co-made an amazing board game for Scott's Dad for Fathers Day.

And I lopped most of my hair off for charity.

So it's been a bit crazy.

But this is June. A wonderful name for a wonderful month. 

   I had promised to let you know how the whole 'hair chopping for Little Princess Trust' thing was going (apologies for not being more informative until now) but it is going and has been going amazingly. I GOT MY HAIR CHOPPED yesterday and I'm still feeling weird about not being able to twirl my locks at waist height but I'm so blessed and encouraged by everyone who has donated and taken part in this journey.
   At a last check I have raised £243.08 and need £350 in total so we're doing pretty well! I am blown away with people's generosity in this and people's kindness in the whole thing. I will be donating 7''-15'' of hair with my layers so that's quite a lot, hopefully some little girl will enjoy some shoulder length curls. I'm excited for her (or him if he's a total little rock star)! 
    If you would still like to be involved please visit https://www.justgiving.com/Rachelle-Boyns and donate what you can. The money is so the wig can be made and any surplus will go towards funding other wigs as well so it'll definitely be used for a good thing. 
 Here's evidence of the chop (and a curly experiment)!

 
Back to some Thoughts of Shelly Marie:

   One thing that has definitely been on my mind throughout the whole month is trust. I am now in a long distance relationship and find that things play on my mind perhaps more than they used to. We are most afraid of what we don't know, I guess. Two of my friends are about to go into long distance relationships as well and they share the same woes with me on this. Whilst it sounds like I'm talking about trust within the realms of fidelity and such I'm more thinking about trust in the sense of agreement. Each of us have essentially agreed to work together for the remainder of the closeness, whether that goes on for the rest of our lives or whether it passes us by. But 'what if...' is always the devil's advocate. What if one day the other person just finds you 'too much' for them to handle?
   I find myself on emotional roller coasters still and I thought I would be more level headed by now (lol). I have a desire to be able to take care of myself because there have been times in these past 21 months when I have felt so alone, so helpless, and I don't ever want to feel that again.
    I just had a conversation with my Dad about me moving back up to Dundee for Term starting back in September. I have nowhere to live at the moment, nor a confirmation of my student finance, nor a job lined up and I can't even access my University online account to check my modules to start prep work for classes. There is so much uncertainty about my return that right now that I get upset daily because it doesn't feel like it's going to happen. But it will. I have at least two months to get it sorted out and I know a lot can happen in two months...
   I've not had the best run with close friends or boyfriends past - it's hard to admit to yourself that the other person just doesn't care enough - and I'm surprised time and time again when my problems turn into hindsight and when my worries are calmed by the guy I'm proud to call mine. I am reminded to count my blessings and am assured that everything will be ok - because I am not alone. In talking to my Dad he reassures me that as a family we leave no one behind, and I know that God is looking out for me too. I'm sure He's going to spring some cool plan on me last minute and I'll wonder why I ever worried in the first place. So trust. It's a lot, but I think if I work at it a whole bunch more things will feel a lot less than they are right now. 
   No one gets left behind, and we are never alone.

Just do it.

After a month or so of debating and discussing I have decided to just do it and am getting my hair chopped for charity. I've made a JustGiving page for easy donations:
    www.justgiving.com/Rachelle-Boyns

   As many of you know my Mum passed away in 2011, not from cancer, but since then it has made me realise some of what others go through from different causes. I want to help people as and when I can and it just so happens that I have an abundance of hair that I'm finally willing to (mostly) part with. The charity Little Princess Trust is unique in that they literally give wigs to children who suffer from hair loss due to treatments for cancer. As one who has always had pride in my locks, I sympathise, and would like to do what little bit I can to maybe make one child's experience not so terrifying.
   I hope to raise at least £350 as that is what is required to make the wigs free to those in need. Any excess would go towards others that the cost of which was not fully covered already.
   I'm aiming to 'just do it' at the end of the month, but it'll be whenever I raise the money for it I think, so get donating and help change a life.

B-z-b-z-b-z.

   Life has been busy busy busy recently which makes for a change from the lazy winter I had job searching etc but it means I'm tired a lot and don't write as often. Need to get myself more organised maybe... We'll get there!
   It was a lovely day today with the most wonderful morning I've experienced in a long time with a perfect cool, still, air that greeted you ever so freshly. I got to work early so got my almond filter coffee and sat reading 'A Room Of Ones Own' by Virginia Woolf, smiling at one line which I knew my Dad would appreciate;
      "If truth is not to be found on the shelves of the British Museum, I asked myself, where, picking up a notebook and a pencil, is truth?"

Anyhow, here is something I wrote just a few days ago...

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21 April 2013
   This morning I sat on the sofa in the living room drinking my morning tea and I thought for the first time so clearly 'I really miss Mum. And I can't believe she's gone.'
   When I arrived at work yesterday after lunch I received a text message from Dad saying "About to take to the skies in a Tiger Moth. Love you. Xxx." Dad and his friend Paul had headed out to Duxford Imperial War Museum that morning and it had briefly crossed my mind that on such a fine day, and with Paul's profession providing him with over 3000 hours of flying experience, that their jaunt might result in appreciating the vehicles from more than just ground level. So when I received this text I thought 'Dear bless us all' in a Mum-like fashion and got on with my shift. A few hours later I felt my phone vibrate, alerting me of another text message, and having forgotten about the message from Dad and it suddenly rushed back to me and the thought crossed my mind that this text could be one of more emergency... As soon as that clicked, a quivering peace reached consciousness that said 'if so, at least he died doing what he loved most', and that surprised me.
   I don't worry like I used to though, to be honest I don't see the point. I dont' worry about others as much because I realise I can not change their immediate path, all I can do is prepare myself to be ready to help with whatever consequences that may come. 
   I imagine that, should I be blessed with children, this mentality with rapidly repent but for now I will enjoy not worrying. 
   "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
   So this morning I sat down on the sofa drinking my morning tea and I looked at the carpet with the dust bits on it, I thought of how I'll spend the rest of the day after church ceaning because when I get home from work in the week I'm exhausted. I thought of how Mum used to sit, with her tea on her lap, one leg over the other, with me, and how it seems a lifetime ago. It was actually 1/10th of my life ago, I think, and it occurs to me that when I'm 40 I would have lived more days without a Mum than with one, and how I have to accept it because 'that's life'.
   Though I find it's not a hard thing to accept - 6 weeks ago I struggled to remember how many syrup and coffee shots were in a Caramel Macchiato compared with a flavoured Americano but now I can make drinks for hours without really thinking about it. I know how new habits can gasp fast and how some old habits die hard if you have no choice - but it's sometimes a hard thing to believe.
   It's not a hard thing to accept but it's a hard thing to believe.
Saying that I think to when Christians take the communion and I think how it's not hard to know I'm forgiven, but believing it is another thing when I know what I've done.
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One Grande Almond Filter, a Cinnamon Swirl and a Tid Bit for today.

   As you know, I've recently started a job as a Barista in Starbucks in my hometown of Peterborough - so you should totally make a wee trip and come get a coffee!
   It is still going well and I have been enjoying my new routines, new responsibilities, new friends, and my new 'usual' of almond syrup in the filter coffee coupled with a cinnamon swirl mmm. As I have been enjoying these things, and with Easter now having been and gone, I have been thinking about 'newness'.
   There is much value placed on the 'new' today, "out with the old in with the new" sort of thing. In the film 'I Could Never Be Your Woman' the character Mother Nature says that the way of life is that the younger you are the better you are because you're prettier, more agile, stronger etc, yet I'm partial to the ways of different cultures where a 'wise one' is consulted when dealing with community issues. Our Western society feeds off individual impulses and independent success but I think we are wrong in so many ways. I digress...
   Whilst we get excited about new things and hastily throw away the old sometimes we forget that consistency and commitment is also what keeps the world spinning; Consistency in routine and in morals, and commitment to each task and relationship. I am trying to take this on board with even the simplest things - like finishing novels I started reading a year ago, and keeping on keeping on with this book... [Fuelled by my almond filter and cinnamon swirl!]

   So basically my tid bit today is of course, make life exciting with newy newy newness - start of grandly, but remember to keep going and finish well!

Dream a little dream of me...

   I had a dream within a dream. Mum was there. She came into my room (which wasn’t my room but such is the nature of dreams). I couldn’t believe it, I asked if it was really her over and over and she just smiled back at me. I tried to remember her jewelry, she wore a necklace with a tiny heart on it. I knew I was dreaming, in my dream... I just hugged her, touched her face and her arms, she had such soft skin. She looked more real that I have seen her in a long time.

   Strange to think that once she was here indefinitely and now I sometimes have trouble picturing her face.

   I don’t remember what was said other than me asking if it was really her and her smiling back. I would like to say she said everything was going to be ok. But if she didn’t verbally, she said it with her eyes. I woke up from that dream - still in another dream - and turned on the TV, as if I knew the continuation of it would be on the TV. And there I was, standing behind a counter serving people food and drink; and there she was, watching me, putting things on shelves away from the counter, facing the real me. I screamed at myself in the TV to look up and see Mum but I was so engrossed (and TV people can’t hear real people anyway). Then something strange happened, Mum called my name, to the me in the cafe with her, and I didn’t hear her. I watched me walk past her and didn’t see her, and she wasn’t upset. She smiled and I got the notion that I would only have been able to see her if I’d have needed her, and at that time I didn’t so I couldn’t. Then in the dream some people walked into my room and I glanced away from the TV for a second, when I looked back and tried to explain what had happened all they could see was a woman in the corner of the screen overlooking the coffee shop scene, to them she could just have been a customer in queue, and I was gone from the picture.

   I had a dream with Mum in it almost a week after she'd died. Mum and I were walking along the street carrying one of our white garden chairs between us. I began to limp a bit and Mum suddenly stopped, put the chair on the ground and sat me in the chair and lifted it, carrying me along on the chair. I protested because surely she wasn’t able to carry me safely but she carried on. I woke up bewildered - how on earth could Mum do that and why was I dreaming about it. I instantly told Sara about it (we’d slept in the same bed) who said maybe it was her telling me that she’s still ‘carrying me’, perhaps more than she had been able to on this earth. And I hoped she was right.

   I think dreams are amazing things. They give me precious moments that maybe never really existed, they show me things that might not be true; yet I remember them as if they do mean something to me, as if they are a part of my life. When Mum comes into my dreams it sometimes feels more real than the world I live in, because in my world Mum is there, and I wish I could dream forever. My memory of this one is already fading, I had to write it down instantly as I woke up as to not forget it completely. But I do remember her face and I do remember her hug and for now, that is enough.

   When I came on Facebook this morning I was reminded it is Mother's Day, which made me all the more glad that I saw Mum last night. Happy Mother's Day to all you special women blessed to have children. You mean more to the world than you think <3

Once upon a time...

For those of you who have been following my blog for some time, or who have read the earliest posts, you will know that I am writing a book. Recently my writing for it specifically has been little, I have focused on writing posts on here mainly, and plan to add them to the book in some way. I appreciate your support in reading my posts and the kind words you have expressed. I have written an introduction/preface to my book, and would like to have some feedback. It may not be the last draft but it is a start, and what better place to start than the beginning...


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Preface

“I woke up, wished that I was dead with an aching in my head, I lay motionless in bed. I thought of you and where you’d gone, and the world spins madly on.”
    - ‘World Spins Madly On’ by The Weepies

   I have never read a self-help book about grief, and I do not intend this to be one. One reason for this is that I would not presume to know the gravity or depth of your grief and how ‘best’ for you to ‘deal’ with it. Another reason is that I am the worst person for taking advice and would not expect you to hither to mine as a resort to figuring out your own heart. Lastly, I am young, and I only know that which life has presented me thus far - but I am learning, and so share with you my experiences in the hope that they might encourage you through yours.

   My name is Rachelle, I am currently 21 years old. When I was 15 my Mum was diagnosed with Pulmonary Hypertension, a condition which like so many wears down the body gradually and manifests itself in breathlessness and general exhaustion. She passed away when I was 19, 3 days before her 50th Birthday, 10 weeks before my brother was due to be married. She is my reason for being, for writing, for believing and for loving the way that I do. Her great faith and gentle spirit encompassed so many in her lifetime. She was not a bold woman in the sense of being loud, proud, or in-charge. Rather, it was in her calming presence, continuing kindness and constant strength which surpassed understanding, and reached many a heart, that she showed me the way.
 
   Ever since I was little I have had the habit of writing whether it be poems, diaries, letters or lyrics and I guess as a natural outlet of comfort I turned to this passion just as life’s chaos flooded around me in 2011. In sharing my experiences with people I have had many uplifting conversations and have heard heart-tugging stories in response to my own. I realise that death is something that we will all experience, but it is something rarely spoken about - especially in my age group. I studied English and Film Studies at the University of Dundee until May last year when I decided that I would take a gap year to turn my diaries, focused on my Mum and family through her illness, into a book - this book.
   I started a blog about my book in May 2012 and it continues to be a popular read for family, friends, acquaintances and even the odd stranger. I have been encouraged greatly to continue writing, and shall do so until I am done. I have so much to be thankful for in my life, it is only in the past few years that I have begun to realise just how much, and started to learn how to say thank you to the One who has blessed me so greatly - but I know I am young and have much much farther to go.

"Teach us to realise the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom."

- Psalm 90:12

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Thank you for reading! Please do let me know what you think, if not by a comment then an email or via Facebook :]

For your efforts, here is a lovely song:

O Sleeper & Little Hands

Friday 22nd Feb
   I am so tired. 
It definitely has something to do with the mere 3 and a half hours sleep I had last night having been up with some good friends talking 'til 4 am. It mostly has to with the crazy amount, and range, of emotions I've been feeling lately. Some things aren't very easy to 'sleep off' - some things fatigue you so deeply that you carry them like a force within you, feeling the slight drag of each step and the pause before each kind smile...

Saturday 23rd Feb
   After I wrote that last night we had dinner with the people that had arrived for the family seminar weekend here in Gemunden. We had some singing and a devotional after dinner and then free time before bed. I had been feeling 'weary and heavy laden' with worries about home, a job, friends, and grief, but something happened that evening which took that sense of helplessness away. One of the women who had arrived brought with her her three children, two girls aged 5 and 2 and a baby boy of 6 months. I was making a cup of tea in the kitchen when the youngest girl, Lucy, came up to me and just stood and looked up at me. I looked at her and said 'hello' and she mumbled something inaudible. Crouching down to her I asked her what she said and she looked at me and said "Can you sing me a song?" I laughed, and she smiled cheekily back. It was so random, and so sweet, so I obliged and sang a bit of 'Jesus Loves Me'.
   The family sat opposite us at dinner and we got better acquainted, after clearing up and sitting down to sing, Lucy climbed under the table over to me and sat on my lap whilst we sang. Her sister proceeded to follow and I shuffled over in my seat so she could share it with me. A few hours earlier I had been dwelling with a great sadness and there I sat with two beautiful children who wanted to be near me, singing God's praises, holding their little hands. It was wonderful. 

   This weekend Monte Cox is giving lessons entitled 'The Word became flesh', talking about the true nature of Jesus - not just knowing the Bible but knowing the Author well enough to follow and represent Him. He spoke about an idea written in 'The Jesus I Never Knew' how the only King to ever chose his Mother and place of birth was Jesus - who chose to be born to a teenager, in a stable trough. He was put in a position where, when he met the outcast of society, he could speak to them as equals having been so low in social rankings himself. He gave hope to the helpless, and last night, holding that little girl's hand gave me hope too. For someone so small and actually helpless to want to be with me, even when sometimes I feel so small and helpless myself, well, it felt good.
   In helping others we help ourselves; in loving others, we are loved; and in sharing happiness the heart is glad.

Do be do be do.

   A few weekends ago Dad, Shanae and I visited the Grandparents in Devises. It was Grandpa's Birthday on the Monday and we went to the cinema to see Les Miserables, I made lasagna with Grandma which we had for dinner and a lovely cake Shanae had assisted with as well. Coming to this house as a child meant that we would play board and card games, do puzzles, go across the valley and make forts in the green opposite the back garden, have pudding after each meal, and no WiFi. The latter was not noticeable until recent years and now with such smart phone technology it is no longer as applicable, but it is interesting to see how dependent I seem to be on keeping in the cyber loop.

 I enjoy keeping in touch with people and playing games online with people miles away, and of course I blog, but it struck me a few weeks ago how I am not as alright being alone as I used to be. Losing Mum probably has something to do with this, but I think I've been searching for something for years now to occupy my time, other than myself.

When I was younger, about 9-13 I had my head stuck in books so much so that my brother would get frustrated with me when I would refuse to play games with him choosing instead to finish off a chapter or two in the latest Jaqueline Wilson book. I used to write a lot, poems, stories, letters, journals, and draw still life, people from photos and dress designs. I used to be quite content being by myself and doing my own thing and somewhere between then and late adolescence I got hooked onto social networking in different forms. 

When I started my journals for this book I reclaimed my passion for writing. Having started my degree in English and Film Studies I have rekindled my love of reading and expanded the horizons of my interest in film, but since my studies took a pause last May I feel I've fallen back into the habit of being cyber-social 24/7. A while ago I started 'The Glass Virgin' by Catherine Cookson and I'm over half way through it, an interesting read! At my Grandparent's house I completed a 1000 piece puzzle and remembered, I love puzzles. This may all seem elementary for some people, and maybe others are thinking my habits sound rather similar to their own, but I am discovering new likes and dislikes I was before unaware of because I hadn't spent the time to figure them out.

To make a long story short - I am doing more things now in the real world, by myself, rather than staring at a computer screen/waiting for a message response, and it's awfully refreshing. 

The other day I met a friend at my house and we walked up to a wee nature reserve in my village with a lake and watched the sunrise. I took along some hot chocolate in a flask and a few breakfast bars and we sat and talked and enjoyed the fresh breeze. It was surprisingly invigorating. Over the past few weeks I have been blitz clearing out my room, rearranging furniture and making it look generally more homey, my next project is to make a 'wall of frames' above the bed and it'll be done. A few days ago I dyed my hair red! My sister and I found the dye whilst clearing things out and I thought - why the heck not. 
   I have also been doing a few colourful things in my diary lately, and have a new idea to make my life from here on out more positive: I re-read my diary from last year and realised I complain in it a lot. Reading back over the things that went wrong, disappointments, sad thoughts and unwanted memories and I realised that they aren't the things that I want to remember. So I have decided that I will only write positive things in my diary. An idea on Pinterest was to have a clear glass jar and fill it with small notes of good things that happen each day in 2013, to re-read at the end of the year. If you use different coloured pieces of paper it can be a pretty display piece and you can be reminded daily of the good things that happen in your life.

So here's a wee list of things to brighten up your dull days as we wish the winter chills away:
- Go for a walk somewhere different (even just down a street or path you don't normally venture)
- Watch the sunrise/sunset with a friend (prefferably outside, if it's raining - take a brolly!)
- Drink Hot Chocolate in the morning (sweet starts to the day are always the best)
- Read a book (or finish all those ones you started and never finished)
- Do something different with your appearance (dye your hair/wear your good shirt to work)
- Clear out your room/redecorate (tidy house, tidy mind)
- Make a new playlist, discover some new music or get back into the stuff that you really used to love (I've been listening to a lot of country recently which reminds me of Spring Cleaning with Mum <3)
- Give a compliment a day (a 'Pay it Forward' idea - give a little love and it all comes back to you)
- Make something (a card/present/cake/smoothie - Valentine's Day coming up! We have a special ability to be creative, and Doing It Yourself can be rather therapeutic)

Do something new. Be content in what you have. Do something for someone else. And repeat - do, be, do, be, do...

What is in a word?

   I have had the pleasure of sorting through a lot of things in our family home over the past few months, today my sister and I disassembled and reassembled a wardrobe and I am in the process of filling it with my things. Why tell you this, of course, to share with you my thoughts upon coming across a small box filled to the brim of the most wonderful things this world could ever behold.

   It is not money nor rare jewels, literally, but they are words. Words of kindness, inspiration and pure love, which are jewels of their own kind. Over the years I have collected notes I have received from various friends and acquaintances and saved them in this little box. I forget about it, come back to it time to time and have a feel-good rummage. Today I knew I was going to be moving my things and knew I would encounter this stash of paper, and I knew it would give me a warmth, but I did not expect to be overwhelmed, and I was.

   As I went through the misshapen pieces of paper and card reading all scrawls of handwriting I felt a lump form in my throat, and caught myself well up in all the niceties of the correspondences. Some of the authors I taught at Camp, others were my councillors from years ago, others were childhood friends, a few were from Teachers at school, some from life-long friends, some from my sister and some from Mum. 

No matter how much I know of it between different people, different countries and different times in my life, Love continues to astound and bewilder me.

Sometimes I think I know what it's all about, service and kindness to others. But sometimes it's about sacrifice and believing in someone when they don't believe in themselves. I know how I have felt over this year and a bit and it certainly hasn't always been chipper. I know what I have done in my life and I am a sinner like everyone else. But I have these lovely words to go back to and remember that I am capable of doing something wonderful, I am able to be better than I think.

   I hope that you have received kind words from friends in the past. I hope you have been told that you are loved, treasured, needed, for without you this world just wouldn't be the same. I pray you understand that these are true, they are sentiments from me, but most of all they are sentiments from God to all his Children. 

     My Child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

   I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

   My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

   If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

   When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

   I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

   Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is… Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, YourFather,

Almighty God

- - - - - - - - - -

   P.s. Readers, this is part 1 of 2. There will be something else, related, coming to you soon. 

Peace and love. 

Don't worry. Be happy.

   I am a worrier.  I don't know when it started but as far back as I can remember my head has been a blizzard of thoughts, concerns, hopes and anticipation. My worries have ranged from 'what skirt goes with these shoes?' to 'will Mum see my Children?'. Some things are more important than others but I have a logical mind enough to know that if I can not change the outcome, I should not ponder on all the possibilities and drive myself crazy for it, but sometimes I can not help myself...

   We have complicated relationships with so many ways of communicating - we have so many more ways now to be uncommunicative. We have complicated leisure in that there is so much choice we find grief in indecision. The world is your oyster. Anything is possible. 
I worry that I'll take so long choosing many great things to do that I'll only achieve one small something in my life.

It's silly, to spend so much time worrying and miss out on enjoying life for what it is.

   I read something a few minutes ago which really hit home what I have been thinking about over the past year or so. 'Disappointment is inevitable, discouragement is a choice.' 
Plain and simple but not so easy, right?
But what if it is. What if I did count my blessings when things didn't go the way I planned, what would happen if I focused on the good things whilst my worries sorted themselves out when I couldn't control them? 
   - Then I'd say I'd be quite alright. 

   I find it's the simple things that make the biggest difference in my mood. When I'm feeling down, a cup of hot chocolate can perk me up. Somtimes being alone with some colourful processing does the job, other times wearing a pretty dress on a dull day does the trick as well.
   They may sound like trivial things to you, but I'm a little girl at heart who enjoys the little pleasures in life.

A good friend told me not to worry, to be happy, and to let surprises come to me every once in a while. So I think I will. Or at least I'll give it a jolly good try.