Monday, 9 June 2014

Even the stars, they burn.

I want to be honest in this blog, as I have been so far. The reason I haven't written anything in so long I think is because I don't know what to say. Not because there's nothing to say, more because I'm not sure what to share and what to hold back because I don't know how people will react to my thoughts. I've guess been having some trust issues recently and it's seeping into every aspect of my life.

As I said in my last post, this year has been difficult. I keep being faced with weird situations, I feel like I'm constantly confronted with things that test my patience, integrity and make me question my faith.

Yes, I said I question my faith. 

Whilst some people may read that and instantly understand what I mean, I still feel like admitting it is taboo. I could imagine some people raising their eyebrows at me as though I just admitted to joining a coven instead of going to church. But, honestly, I don't care.

I think taboo subjects are the ones we should talk about. Death, for instance. I had so many encouraging messages from people when I opened up about my experiences with Death saying they went through similar things and had similar thoughts, and it was good to know they weren't alone in that. I will be so surprised if my experiences with this don't also ring true for you in some respect.
Don't get me wrong on this either. I'm not saying I'm an atheist, I'm not saying that I don't believe God exists, I've actually not said anything about what I mean yet by me having confrontation with my faith. Mainly because I'm not really sure what's going on in my head and my heart. Recently there's been a massive change in my life and my heart feels heavy a lot of the time. It happened just after losing my job and I was encouraged to travel for a bit before getting back into a working routine. So I went home, visited friends (even modelled for one of them in a photo shoot), went to London, and am currently in Brussels.

I felt as though I needed to run away, to be on my own, to 'find myself' rather than physically confront my issues. I always laughed when people said they needed to 'find' themselves because, you know, they're right in front of you saying that pretentious crap. But I slap my wrist for it now because honestly, I don't know who I am. I'm trying this thing where I put myself first and actually think about what I like, what I want to do, where I want to go, and who I want to be around. I was brought up believing that Joy was putting Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last. I still believe that (or do I just think that I should?) I'm just not sure we should do it before we figure out how to actually put ourselves anywhere. 

My relationships got to a point where I would put myself in compromising situations to satisfy the needs of others. The first rule of care is that you can't care for someone without first taking care of yourself. You're told to put your oxygen mask on before your children's - what if you pass out helping your first two and your third child suffocates because you didn't make sure you could breathe? 
It is way too easy to get caught up in rhythms of sociality - especially within the church. We are told to live in the world and not be of the world, but I don't think I've really been living in the world. I mean, I've been here, but I don't even really know where here is. I have little conviction in what I do, even my writing is riddled with adverbs of probability because I just. don't. know. 

A friend of mine asks me questions. Questions that all lead down to simply 'So, what brings you here?' Here meaning this point in my life, the thoughts that I have, the feelings I experience, and the things that I do because of them. Socrates said 'To find yourself, think for yourself.'
   My friend reads a lot of philosophy. I studied some philosophy at Uni and got intensely frustrated because it all seemed so unresolved and open-ended. I now see that of course it is unresolved because philosophy is thinking. Due to its very nature it never ends, never stands still. And now, I'm ok with that. I believe in a God who is unchanging enough for the both of us, I'm just trying to figure out what that actually means for me, and where it will take me next.

Go read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

And listen to this.

Thursday, 27 March 2014

I don't know if you're out there. I don't know if you can hear me.

I haven't blogged since November, and that makes me a little sad. I also haven't written in a diary since before then as I've just not had the time. This year has been a challenge, to say the least, yet as I make my way back to sea level I can see there is hope and joy and good things to come.

Long story short: this year so far I have lost my handbag including purse, passport, Bible and phone in it just before I was due to go to the ABSS retreat in Gemunden, and this last week I lost my job which I loved and took for granted that it would set me up working full time over the summer. 

This time of year is particularly interesting as Mother's Day draws near and shops are glorified with 'special gifts' for the 'most special person on the planet'. Needless to say it pains me a bit when I remember that my most special person is no longer on the planet, and hasn't been for quite some time now. 

I have had innumerable freak-outs this year, to which my love Scott will confirm, but I have been humbled in the way he encourages me to be strong when I feel that the world is telling me I'm worthless, stupid and unwanted. Sometimes it's easy to think we're alone in this world, being victimised by others. Scott reminds me that I am not alone, and I have overcome so much already - too much to give up now.

It is easier to believe criticism than it is to remember compliments and, surprisingly enough, I'm really going to try harder at keeping a positive attitude when faced with challenges. 

Looking back over my previous posts I know that I have been blessed with a family so great and strong that no matter where I am, even 300 miles away from my hometown, I have a home wherever they are. For that, I am grateful, and I know things will get better soon. 

If you have a very weak stomach, don't watch this - it contains zombies...
If you happen to not mind zombie images, give this a go, it's pretty good!