*Irish accent* Give you over.

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Tuesday 26th March 2013
   I am sitting in Starbucks at one of the high tables in the corner, looking out over my workplace before my shift starts in 14 minutes. I have just finished going through my blog posts, picking out recurring themes which may become chapters in my book - I’ll then gather the similar writings and make them legible with a bit more insight, we’ll see how it goes.
   One theme I picked out I titled ‘Self-Strength’. It is the confidence we find in ourselves after rock bottom, and as much as it may sound like independence, I am not really sure such a thing exists...
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   So I wrote that and then had to go to work. I must apologise for being so out of the blog loop lately, but I will use the example above to explain why - I got a job! YAY! Barista at Starbucks and it's going so well. Made lots of friends and meeting new customers, getting to know the regulars, making amazing coffee etc., yeah it's all grand. I feel so blessed with this job, I'm having trouble trying to fit in all my other blessings like friends up North who are getting married and celebrating first Birthdays but to be honest it's a good problem to have. 

I've had a couple of thoughts recently which I'd like to share with you. The one above about thankfulness but also the one above about my possible chapter: Self-Strength. 
   I have been thinking about it for a while, the idea of moving on after something in life grounds you, like my Mum passing away (a year and a half ago today). I have been thinking about what makes a person get back up and try again, whether the strength or 'independence' is a discovery one finds alone, or whether there's a lot more to it than that. 
   I have always believed in some form or another of 'the butterfly effect', the way that one thing changes another which can change another which can change another which leads to you and changes your life. 
   Sometimes miracles happen and we have the choice to accept or reject them, other times we are given blessings and we can chose to acknowledge them or give them up. Looking back over my life so far I can see the people who had been put in my life and I see their purpose. I can see the opportunities that were placed in my grasp and the outcome they had. I can also see when I ignored advice, when I went a way I knew I shouldn't have, and yet I am now OK.
   I will never give up hoping that the best is yet to come, I will never give up on those I hold dearest, and I will never give up trying to be the best me I can be. Why? Because I am not alone. I can see where other's worked for me or with me for my successes and I remember the people who help pick me back up.I have been given so much that I have no excuse to give up but every excuse to give over. Give over to something bigger than yourself; give over, and give back.

Here is a cute example of not giving up/finding strength in giving over:

 Aaaaand here's a video I came across this week...

Kid President spreading the love and meeting some amazing people: 

Dream a little dream of me...

   I had a dream within a dream. Mum was there. She came into my room (which wasn’t my room but such is the nature of dreams). I couldn’t believe it, I asked if it was really her over and over and she just smiled back at me. I tried to remember her jewelry, she wore a necklace with a tiny heart on it. I knew I was dreaming, in my dream... I just hugged her, touched her face and her arms, she had such soft skin. She looked more real that I have seen her in a long time.

   Strange to think that once she was here indefinitely and now I sometimes have trouble picturing her face.

   I don’t remember what was said other than me asking if it was really her and her smiling back. I would like to say she said everything was going to be ok. But if she didn’t verbally, she said it with her eyes. I woke up from that dream - still in another dream - and turned on the TV, as if I knew the continuation of it would be on the TV. And there I was, standing behind a counter serving people food and drink; and there she was, watching me, putting things on shelves away from the counter, facing the real me. I screamed at myself in the TV to look up and see Mum but I was so engrossed (and TV people can’t hear real people anyway). Then something strange happened, Mum called my name, to the me in the cafe with her, and I didn’t hear her. I watched me walk past her and didn’t see her, and she wasn’t upset. She smiled and I got the notion that I would only have been able to see her if I’d have needed her, and at that time I didn’t so I couldn’t. Then in the dream some people walked into my room and I glanced away from the TV for a second, when I looked back and tried to explain what had happened all they could see was a woman in the corner of the screen overlooking the coffee shop scene, to them she could just have been a customer in queue, and I was gone from the picture.

   I had a dream with Mum in it almost a week after she'd died. Mum and I were walking along the street carrying one of our white garden chairs between us. I began to limp a bit and Mum suddenly stopped, put the chair on the ground and sat me in the chair and lifted it, carrying me along on the chair. I protested because surely she wasn’t able to carry me safely but she carried on. I woke up bewildered - how on earth could Mum do that and why was I dreaming about it. I instantly told Sara about it (we’d slept in the same bed) who said maybe it was her telling me that she’s still ‘carrying me’, perhaps more than she had been able to on this earth. And I hoped she was right.

   I think dreams are amazing things. They give me precious moments that maybe never really existed, they show me things that might not be true; yet I remember them as if they do mean something to me, as if they are a part of my life. When Mum comes into my dreams it sometimes feels more real than the world I live in, because in my world Mum is there, and I wish I could dream forever. My memory of this one is already fading, I had to write it down instantly as I woke up as to not forget it completely. But I do remember her face and I do remember her hug and for now, that is enough.

   When I came on Facebook this morning I was reminded it is Mother's Day, which made me all the more glad that I saw Mum last night. Happy Mother's Day to all you special women blessed to have children. You mean more to the world than you think <3

And it was all yellow...

My last post had the Preface (so far) for my book, and I've been working on it more than I had done as well but I'd like to give you, my lovely readers, a little update on things with me at the moment...

My Dad, sister and I went across to the continent last month for about 10 days, we went to take part in the Advanced Biblical Studies Series in Gemunden, Germany, for a week and stayed with some friends in Brussels the weekend before and after. I met up with a good friend Nahum and saw a bit more of Brussels, and the ABSS was a grand hit! I had been applying for jobs left, right and centre since Christmas and hearing nothing back, so had planned to accompany Dad on his Scottish excursions and BBS classes in East Kilbride, and then meet the Freed Chorale group there in May etc. which would have been brilliant fun, but I would not have saved any money for my studies continuing in September; but the day after we got back home I got a call from a certain coffee shop asking me to come in for an interview.
   On Friday I obliged, and it went swimmingly. On Monday I had a working interview which was also a lot of fun and yesterday I got a call and was offered a full time position to be a Barista at Starbucks!
   It all happened quite quickly and with marvellous timing, I can't help but think there's someone watching over me, giving me just what I need just at the right time...

Shanae and I, in the mean time, have been doing a lot of painting. We stripped the wood chip wallpaper from the landing walls and those around the stairs, white washed and painted them all and it looks pretty cheerful! It's funny how a different colour changes a place so much. I dare say those of you who had visited our house in the last 15 years (we think it had been that long since it was painted blue) will notice a big difference.

Needless to say, I recognise that sometimes change is very good. Be it change of pace, focus or just a new colour.



For those who asked me, here is the video of me singing Angel by Sarah Mclachlan at the ABSS 'Gemunden Follies'. :]