I Am.

I stumbled across this poem last night that I had saved on my computer. I had it written in a 'Stickie' note (Mac users will understand) and it was open so that when I clicked on the program, it came up on my screen. Useful stuff. I read it for the first time in a long time and it made me think, as so often interesting things do. It is a wonderful reminder not to dwell on past mistakes, not to worry about uncertain plans and to just trust Him here and now.

I am
I was regretting the past and fearing the future.
Suddenly, my Lord was speaking:
"My name is I am." He paused.
I waited. He continued,
"When you live in the past
with its mistakes and regrets,
it is hard. I am not there.
My name is not I was.
When you live in the future,
with all it’s problems and fears,
it’s hard. I am not there.
My name is not I will be.
When you live in this moment
it is not hard. I am here
my name is I am."
      - Helen Mallicoat

God is 'I Am', He says in Exodus 3:14 "I am who I Am." he also says "I am with you always, even to the end of the age" Matthew 28:20. God IS. And He is with us. The poem is also about recognising that He is and we are in the present. We cannot change the past and we cannot control the future, but He is ultimately with us through everything. I searched for similar poems titled 'I am' and found one I particularly liked which I changed to suit me specifically. I think sometimes it is good to realise who we are and what we mean to others. It can be too easy to doubt yourself and question your worth or purpose in the world. Looking at how far you've already come can be an encouragement to make you see that you have so much to be thankful for, and that you are already surrounded by people to support you.

   Whoever you are, you are loved. Whatever bad you've done, you can be forgiven. Wherever you're going, there will be support for you. That is all.

   'Wherever you will go' by The Calling - Listen to it.

I am a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend. I am a student, a young girl and a grown woman. I am confident and scared, terrified an excited. I am loving and caring, and thoughtful and hopeful. I am sick and tired. I am shy and friendly, and careful and careless. I am broken and whole. I am hard working and determined but a little scared on the inside. I wish on the stars and dream my dreams. I pray to God and cry my tears. I smile on the outside, while I’m dying inside. I listen to others who won’t listen to me. I walk on eggshells, and I walk amidst the fire. I believe in true love and undying passion. I believe in something better than myself. I believe in You.

One's friends are that part of the human race with which one can be human. - George Santayana

   Recently I’ve met a lot of amazing people. For my whole life actually I have been blessed to meet amazing people from all sorts of places, and in doing so I have had some really interesting conversations. Most of these conversations happen spontaneously, and they are always the most valuable. When people are in need they open up. This is textbook for what I am doing here - I feel like my heart is on display in this book and blog but I’m OK with it. I have a need for people, I was made needing people, we are not meant to be alone. Especially for this reason, when someone leaves us for good it is heart breaking, because you can never prepare for that kind of emptiness. Nothing can ever fully fill it either, but loving more certainly helps.

    Last week I was in Glasgow spending time with friends and helping out a little at a Christian Day Camp the church had going on. I love visiting places and people, especially those so closely associated with my childhood - which this church and these people were. I met a girl who has ‘old woman’ tendencies like me (knitting, baking, tea…)! I had an insightfully deep conversation with a guy who was just a friend of a friend - and you might hear more on him later… A few friends and I went to see a fellow Christian in Hospital and got to sing 4 part harmonies in a beautiful chapel to raise his spirits, and I’ve gotten to know someone else who really needed to know that ‘they’re worth it’. The week before that I was travelling up from Brussels and the train was cancelled in Newcastle due to the landslides in Berwick. I got to Dundee the next day via Edinburgh but to get there I joined an impromptu travel group with 15 others and got a taxi. Of course I met some interesting characters, some of which I hope to stay in contact with; next to me on the train was an older man who in his retirement had just come back from a ship to the Arctic - he gives lectures about historical wars on cruise ships. He says he has never seen so much of the world, nor been so happily engrossed in his passion. Makes me wonder what I’ll be doing at 70! Never giving up, that’s for sure.


   I find people fascinating. I used to be so shy when it came to new people, I would be silent and hide behind my Mum or nervously laugh at jokes I didn’t get just to be a part of the crowd. Once I was on a one-to-one basis with a person I was more at ease, and for the most part this is still true. I find it hard not to tell someone my life story, and I find it hard not to ask ’20 questions’ when getting to know someone. I love people. Everyone is interesting, especially if they don’t think so themselves. The reason I love people so much, why I can and enjoy talking in depth with people is because simply - we’re all the same. We all have insecurities and have made mistakes. None of us know exactly where we want to be for the rest of our lives, and no one has done everything they’ve ever wanted to. Everyone needs encouragement to reach for their dream, and some people need a kick just to figure out what that dream is. 

Romans 12: 9 - 10 “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” 

   I try always to genuinely love others, nothing is worse than finding out a friend is two-faced, or that someone was using you for their own gain. I think this verse is SO pivotal in life because it could be the answer to all our problems. If we only learned to love in a righteous manner, if we only learned to respect others, if we only learned to be truthful, if we only learned to hold fast to Him - what more good would we do in the world.
   I believe you can only really love someone if you know them. As has been mentioned several times in classes at church - God created us so that he could get to know us and love us, so that we could get to know and love Him through His creation. God wants a relationship with us, as He is the epitome of it Himself - the Father, the Son AND the Holy Spirit; as a man is a father, son and brother. (Another note from The Shack - read it people!) Jesus came so that we might know him: 

Isaiah 43:10 “‘You are my witnesses,’ declares the LORD, ‘and my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me.’”

John 17:3 “Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.”

   I find so much encouragement from getting to know others. It is fun and exciting to start new friendships, it broadens my mind and my heart at the same time, and I feel comforted in knowing there is someone smiling because of me.
   The next time you are somewhere new I implore you to talk to someone you don’t know. Think of 5 questions, silly or not, and ask them. For example - if you could only eat 3 types of food for the rest of your life, what would they be? For those of you curious enough - mine would be Veggie Pizza, Chocolate Hobnobs and Raspberry Sorbet! Yes, it a cheesy ice-breaker, but maybe some global warming would do the world some good.

Living on a prayer...

[28th June 2012]

I was just reading The Shack by William P. Young (2007) and there was a part that really struck me, especially since everything that I’ve been thinking about this past week. It’s about prayer, confession, honesty and trust. The passage is on page 106 from the middle to the end. It’s about Mack telling God about how He acts as if it’s the first time they’re hearing things when His children pray to Him, even though He knows everything already. It is explained that when you go to God, He lets you tell Him things from your perspective. As He did with Jesus, He limits Himself to have relationship with you, coming down to your level - as you would to a child joining in with a drawing. Whilst this may not be true at all it is an interesting idea. The idea that God limited Himself for the benefit of His creation, us, is astonishing. The idea that He lets us tell Him things from our perspective, is seriously thought provoking.

   I have been in Brussels for the past week I’ve had so much fun meeting new people, seeing new places, trying new things, and also enjoying doing nothing in particular somewhere just different from home - wherever that may be. 

   I have tried to get my head and heart clear, sorted out, because just when you think things are going to get easier they go crazy complicated on you. I tried to revamp myself and decide what I want, now I have the freedom to do anything job/volunteer/travel wise. The answers I’ve discovered? None. Other than I’m shorting myself if I think that I can’t do something; and I’m kidding myself on by thinking I’m OK. Yesterday was the 9 month mark of Mum’s death. 9 months. That’s 9 months too long, 9 months too empty, even though so much has happened since then.

   I find that if I talk to God, a lot of the time I say things like ‘you know how I feel’ or ‘you know what I want’. So many ‘you know’s but do I even know? I think I say ‘you know’ because He does know but maybe also to excuse me from saying what I really want, or telling Him how I really feel. I wonder if it’s because I don’t want to, or because I really don’t know myself.

   Maybe I think that if God already knows, I don’t have to confess certain things, I don’t have to figure out what I want myself. But what if God were there, waiting to hear what we think? Then we’d have to know, we’d have to say something, we’d have to share our lives with Him, we’d have to share ourselves with Him - as we promised when we were baptised. 

   God can only help me as much as I let Him, and that doesn’t necessarily mean I allow Him to make miracles or look out for a sign - what if, in fact, it means truly thinking about my faults, my iniquities, my weaknesses and figure out a way to battle them with His strength. Surely that makes more sense as a working relationship, rather than me praying ‘you know what I feel, you know what I need, you know what I want, Amen.’ Maybe God does know, but I’ll bet He’s waiting to hear it from me.