Travel Journal #2

     Wednesday 26th September

Chapel at Freed Hardeman then set off for Searcy. Realised we left the projector in Gallatin - doh! - so we detoured to the Apple store in Memphis to get a connector for Dad's computer. We got to Searcy, Arkansas, to the Shelton's house, had a bit of dinner, met Hannah's fiencee Jake and chatted for a while about the trip so far. Went to bed and slept amazingly. 

     Thursday 27th September

Today marks a year since God took Mum home to be with Him. We didn't plan anything for today. I stayed in, blogging, played guitar, editing photos and such, speaking with some good friends back home. Went to Hannah and Jake's flat-to-be which Jake is living in at the moment, went to a coffee shop 'Midnight Oil' and came back to the house to chill for a bit.

http://thoughtsofshellymarie.blogspot.com/2012/09/remember-remember.html

     Friday 28th September

I went to chapel with Hannah this morning, Corey Stumne gave the devotional and it was brilliant! I went with Hannah and Jake to register for wedding gifts at Hallmark. Fun stuff. 
Went to lunch at a mexican restaurant with Dad and the Brown's (went to school with their oldest daughter and Hannah on my 7th Birthday!) and we went to a place called 'Shorty's' for dinner tonight. Pretty small place out in nowhere pretty much but they do excellent catfish! #hanginwiththelocals From there we went to 'Get Down Downtown' where there were a bunch of market stalls and food vans and a stage with country singers. We got some amazing ice cream from a wee shop and went into this really groovy 'open studio' thing where artists have their own cubicle for making stuff and they can display it so when the public walks around their pieces can be bought! Crazy cool.

     Saturday 29th September

Went to the Beebe flea market - BIT of a 'cultural experience', looked properly like a 3rd world country.. IT was interesting to say the least. We then went to Little Rock to see Hannah's older sister Sarah who is a Pharmacist there. We walked a bit across the bridge, went to a cool food emporium place and stood on the War Memorial Stadium's Football field. Pretty cool! 
Had dinner at the house with the Brown's and went to my first ever American Football game, Harding Bison's vs. ECU (Oklahoma) Tigers and we won 31-14 it was so much fun! (And that was another Harding "FIRST DOWN!" woop woop!) I am now a fan.

     Sunday 30th September

So it was a year since we had a Bithday dinner and cake for Mum, without her.

   Went to church, Dad preached and I cried when he mentioned Mum and this anniversary. <3 A woman came up to us afterwards and told her it touched her as well as today is her son's birthday, and she lost her husband earlier this year. We sat in on a college bible class talking about religion and science, the guy mentioned some philosophical terms and schools of thinking which I actually understood and I felt all studious again aha. Went back to the house for dinner sandwiches and some friends of the Shelton's came round to eat with us. We then to Harding to hear their University Choir and and evening Lecture beginning the Lectureship officially! Monte Cox spoke about 'Faith in a New Place and Time', kicking off the talks for the week which were all taken from the book of Joshua. Hannah and I then went to an evening song service for the youth at a church nearby and I met up with a friend Sophie and stayed in her dorm for the night which was fun! Met her friends and enjoyed a late trip to Walmart :]

http://thoughtsofshellymarie.blogspot.com/2012/09/how-do-you-know-when-youre-in-love.html

     Monday 1st October

First day of lectureship! Got ready and head into 10am chapel - which Dad was giving all this week, (student chapel at 9am and 10am on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of Lectureships) which can be found on iTunes, if you follow this link it will come up in your iTunes App store - just search for the speaker 'Patrick Boyns' and you shall hear my Daddy! 

https://itunes.apple.com/institution/harding-university/id448940916

   Had lunch at the house and went to a women's lecture in the afternoon with Hannah on the verse 'As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.' It was really inspiring, 3 women in different circumstances - the 'single' household, the 'newly-married' household and the 'mother and grandmother' household. They spoke to us briefly about their experiences in their relationships and how it has influenced their service to the Kingdom. Lunch and dinner at the houseWe all went to the evening lecture given by Keith Tompson entitled 'Faith That Doesn't Fear the City.'

     Tuesday 2nd October

Chapel with Lori. Went to a women's lecture with Lori entitled 'Women's Ministry and Programs: Leading the Journey' given by Anessa Westbrook. Went to one art exhibition called 'A Tourist of Saints: a photo graphic journal of Haiti'. Went to Hannah's British Novel class - Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush! Lunch with Hannah and Jake at a Mexican restaurant. The evening lecture was given by Clifton Ganus, who is about 90 years old, spoke about a 'Faith That Grows Stronger With Age.' We caught up with an old friend of Dad's, Dwight Smith, and then went to Bruce McLarty's for tea after evening lecture and sat with a bunch of great people - then came back and blogged about it. :] 

http://thoughtsofshellymarie.blogspot.com/2012/10/thank-you-for-purple-people.html

     Wednesday 3rd October 

Chapel in the morning with Lori then went round the mission tables, bought some wee gifts and picked up leaflets. Went to the second art exhibition - a series of prints based on passages from Joshua. Didn't get to go to the student lecture I had wanted to catch, but I'll catch it on iTunes, it was given by Will Waldron called 'Connections Through the Cross'. Went to Hannah's meeting about wedding catering in one of the Harding offices. Came home and blogged. Dinner in the house out to the evening lecture given by Nathan Guy called 'Faith That Is Constantly Renewed.' 
http://thoughtsofshellymarie.blogspot.com/2012/10/b-e-u-tiful.html

     Thursday 4th October

Day in sorting stuff and packing. Bit of writing. Edited photos. Dinner at night with the Shelton's and played the 'game of things' 'til late. FUNNY stuff. 

Travel Journal #1

   Hello Readers! 

Of course you've been dying to know what shenannegans I have played part in on this wonderful continent, and you shall find out all right here. I blogged the day after our arrival across the pond and if you missed it, you can read about the journey here:

http://thoughtsofshellymarie.blogspot.com/2012/09/safely-arrival-across-pond.html
Otherwise, the rest of this post will take the form of a Travel Journal, as well as future travel updates. Enjoy!

     Tuesday 18th September 

London - Chicago - Nashville - Gallatin

     Wednesday 19th September

Woke up to a beautiful poolside sight. Sat in the glorious heat for a bit, went to the church building to pick up the projector for presentations. Anna May made me a pitcher of sweet tea! Evening service at Bill and Anna May's congregation.

     Thursday 20th September

Late start, went shopping for some cowboy boots for me - no success. Looked round the Opryland Hotel, where we took lots of pictures and rode round the river on the wee boat. Went to TNT (Church youth group) with Will, beat him in pool :P then we got sweet tea from MacDonald's - Only in the South.. He then taught me how to drive in a parking lot! Introduced him to some decent British music and chatted for hours. Great times.

     Friday 21st September

Sunbathed! Something we don't get to do properly in Scotland... Dad went to see Ian Starrs for lunch and Gina came over with the boys, we chatted by the pool (as you do) then got stuff sorted for a big family meal.
   The children and grandchildren of the couple we're staying with all came over - The Carnes' (Jeff and Annette, Will and Clay), the Anderson's (Reid and Sheila, Ivieann and Allie) and the Butterfield's (Keith and Gina, Steven, David, Jonathan and Matthew). 

   Jeff brought over his guitar and after we ate we set up a bonfire and I played and sang for a bit. Lovely stuff. Then Clay, his friend Nick, Will and I drove to 'the ridge' to see the city lights at night, then casually on up to Kentucky and back. Just for a ride, so I've now been to Kentucky! Got malts from Sonic. So good.

     Saturday 22nd September

Went to Allie's softball game in the morning, she's quite the wee pitcher and her team won 12-2 so they're pretty good! Got cowboy boots!! On sale, twice over, good deal. 
Went quad biking, or 'four-wheeling' and had a bit of an accident... But I'm fine! Wasn't THAT bad of an accident, but I've got a few bruises I'll recover from easily and I bust my lip open, and they know lots of people who repair bikes... On top of that I got stung twice by a wasp, for the first time. I'm not allergic - thankfully. 

Then we went to the Grand Ole Opry (after me putting on lots of make up to cover the bruise developing on my cheek..) in Nashville - the show that made country music famous! Also the oldest show streamed on live radio - so there was an announcer who read out sponsor's advertisements which added greatly to the comedy factor. The show is a must if you're ever near Nashville, the line up changes frequently. We saw: John Conlee, Eden's Edge, Connie Smith, Mke Snider, Andy Gibson, Exile, Jean Shepherd, Jesse McReynolds, Opry Square Dancers, Riders In The Sky, Jimmy C. Newman and Lee Greenwood. Jolly Good times. 

     Sunday 23rd September

Wore my new boots to church! Exciting stuff. Had pot luck lunch with the congregation and a few people had heard me sing in the service and wanted to sing more with me so a small group of us sat on the pews and sang for about half an hour, was lovely. Some of the folk were heading to a nursing home to sing some more, so we went with them. Will and I went to Sonic after that, drove round for a bit and hung out with Clay before going to the evening service at their church. Went for dinner with Will, Clay, Nick, Caleb and his sister (church friends) at O'Charlie's then got ice cream at Baskin and Robinson's! Back to Bill and Anna May's where Clay proceeded to give Dad an hour long crash course on American football, so we're both quite clued up on the game now! 

     Monday 24th September

Up early to have breakfast with Anna May and Will. Got ready, did washing, edited photos from Saturday. Went to Walmart after lunch, got a cute maxi dress for $9! And some pj things for me, Shanae and Sara :] also some snacks for the journey tomorrow - Root Beer, Dr P, Gatorade, Ritz, Oreos and mini Snickers. Had dinner at Chilli's with Bill and Anna May, Annette, Dad, Will and Clay, then went to their church service - Can I get an Aaamen'ah. Went bowling with Caleb and Will, and I lost APPAULINGLY. Dang it. 

     Tuesday 25th September

Today I slept in, got up at about 8.30. Annette came over with Reid for lunch, we had roast ham and veg with rice, brownies and ice cream for pudding - feast! Nom. Dad and I left at about 1.30 for Henderson. Beata and Alex (children of Blackwelder's) contacted us to ask if I wanted to go with them to volunteer at a ranch which charitably, in association with a children's disability clinic, hosts sessions with physical therapists to take children round on horses  doing various activities with them whilst they practice their balance and use different muscle groups in positions on the horses. I said of course, so we met with them, and they showed me their own horses and goat and dogs before taking me to the ranch. 

It was really fun, Beata led the horse in '8' shapes, in circles and such whilst the therapist interacted with the child on the horse, Alex and I holding onto the harness to keep him steady as we went along. It was a really good experience and the wee man did so well, when we told him to kneel on the horse he went straight and stood up, clearly having seen others do it before and just thought -nope, not messing about with that, just go straight to it! Brilliant. I'll definitely look into doing it somewhere in the UK... 

   After that we went to Sonic and I got a burger and a shake nom nom nom. Then Alex drove me to Steve and Marie's. Here now, Marie and I got talking about University and English things, was lovely. Leaving for chapel tomorrow at 10 then lunch then skadoosh to Searcy! 

The city is big but God is bigger.

   Recently I have been filled with excitement thinking of possible ideas for the future and a goal which will require me to save a while lot of money for... I am determined to do it though, and for once in my life I feel so positive and hopeful of an endeavour that I am happy to go over obstacles and to endure the work it will take to achieve. 
   This book (for which this blog was started) is close to my heart, of course, and I am working on it - don't worry. But this is a much clear-cut plan, I feel a rush of independence, freedom and adventure when I ponder on this adventure. 
   What made me laugh at myself was my eagerness to earn said money needed for what I want. My eagerness and happiness to work hard to get it. And I was surprised in feeling this confidence for the fist time ever. What I want is so wonderful to me I will go above and beyond to get it. 
   When there is a goal on the horizon, the work to get there can often seem less daunting than a task with no clear outcome, and more like a brilliant challenge to reach the summit. I am excited to work for this thing I want and know I will love. This got me thinking about our endeavours in life generally. This position is echoed in all sorts of situations - those of love, exotic expeditions, or personal missions. 
   What about the work God has for us as his children? Do we get so excited about that? Do we understand what He has for us to do? Perhaps you do and you can count yourself blessed above so many with clear vision and sound mind, and I pray He continues to bless you in these ways. If you arent so sure - what are you doing to find out? Reading His word is a good way. Talking to others about your talents and opportunities you could take advantage of is good too. Praying about it is useful too, sometimes no answer is an answer. Sometimes we have to jump in and see what comes of it.
   Too often I have thought 'I'm too young', 'I don't have the money', 'I don't have the room' to do this, that or the other that I would like to do to serve Him. But I wonder now - are these just excuses? They certainly are if I use them to reason why I do nothing to serve Him. 
   I am not alien to the struggles which surround my generation, or the ones of those who have come before me - regardless of my age, I have eyes and a fair understanding of how this world works. But I refuse to believe that any of these limitations are anything but opportunities to be creative in our ministry. (Practically: If you work on the weekends, be active during the week. If you struggle with funding, change the way you're planning your project, raise more funds, as for home grown volunteering or try something else simpler.) With this picture > I am not suggesting we all graffiti our streets with scripture, but it is an interesting way of making people think. If you have limited resources, transport or support - ask someone for help. Don't be afraid to ask of others what you would readily give if you could.
   It is often in times of oppression that people are forced to be creative, to achieve their original goal through alternate means - and the result will a breath of fresh air.
   But don't ever fall useless, or disheartened, or weary because you feel unqualified.
'God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called.'*

"For by grace you have been saves through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God." - Ephesians 2:8  

This verse is so wonderful, because it explains our salvation, how God doesn't work on a 'point system' by which you get 8 points for being a preacher and 9 for a missionary - no. It is NOT by our own doing good that we are saved... But this does NOT mean that there is no reason to do good. 
   I have often thought of this verse and reasoned that it's OK I don't go to every Church service through the week, and it's OK I didn't make something for pot luck, and it's OK I 'messed up a bit' the other day. But it's not. Those who have thought similar have probably also, like me, tried to steer clear of verses like:

"If you love me, you will keep my commandments." John 14:15

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." - Galations 6:9

But there is no excuse for not doing good when you know you can. 
   The goal we have to look forward to is heaven. Eternal salvation. If you can't get out of bed for that, then I guess there literally is no hope for you.

   'There is no question whether God's Will will be done. The question is, will you be the one to do it?'*

*(So said a guy from Harding University in chapel the other week - inspiring stuff.)

B-e-a-u-tiful.

   Beauty is a funny thing. How do you know if something is beautiful? There are sayings such as 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder' or 'It's what's on the inside that counts' which gives a few theories on what beauty is and I have to say I agree with both of them. Everything and everyone contains beauty if only we have the ability to search it out, and one can not always judge a book by it's cover - though it can often aid in showing others what it might contain inside.

  From an interesting semester of philosophy lectures and tutorials on Aesthetics and Philosophies of Art I could give you an essay on the difference between the beautiful and the sublime. They are different. Just as happiness and joy are awfully dissimilar. When I was younger and my family travelled to meet different people in the church people would always comment how my parents had 'beautiful' children. For the earlier part of my adolescence this attention had seemed non-existent, or disheartening, due to a bit too much 'puppy fat'. It was not until I grew up a bit in my later teens that I started receiving compliments, and not being used to them, I wasn't sure how to handle them.
   Now I get compliments from many types of people, even strangers, telling me I have a beautiful voice, beautiful hair, a beautiful face. I can only think to say 'thank you' and often want to tell them that "Its not me, its my mother in me, and God." I do not do anything to have a pleasing face nor voice which I love so much to use.
   I have had so much encouragement about my strength and grace with which I have handled this past year and to those who have said these things I say, "It is not me. It is Christ. It is God. I am no where near that strong on my own." I can not boast for anything I have, except the family I have been so blessed to be a part of. My parents have been the most loving of all. My mother the most gracious and kind and my father the most courageous and wise. My sister is so brave and intelligent, determined and a true friend. My brother is so committed to follow the Lord in all he does, he is loving; his wife Sara is wonderfully kind with a pure heart, and they too will make brilliant parents, Lord willing.

   Them, I can boast about. But I know myself, and without God I am nothing. So, I thank you for calling Him beautiful and wonderful and strong and inspirational and loving and gentle and kind.

Dear God, thank you for the purple people.

'I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation.' - Philippians 4:12

   I love this piece of scripture, the extreme situations of poverty and decadence which surround it, showing polarising images explaining that Christians should hold onto God no matter their circumstance, and be willing to accept their situations with thanksgiving to Him who gives all, and to get through struggles with 'Him who gives me strength' [4:13].

   Speaking to a friend briefly online before retiring for the night I sort of misquoted this, describing the night I had had, in a rather jovial fashion. I thought I would share with you the rather strange and uplifting evening I have had, in this short but sweet blog before bed!

   Being at Harding for the Lectureship, my Dad knowing many people his age or older and wanting to reconnect or connect for the first time with other active Christians, one of his friends invited us and a bunch of other 'experienced' folk (some more than others) round his home for some coffee and sweet things. We happily obliged, and in not too long the party was in full swing. Ages from 20 (me) and then between 35 and 70-something were swapping preacher tales and mission fables, hilarious quotes from colourful characters and figuring out common contacts on the ever growing Church family tree.

   Being the youngest in a family so familiar with hosting a wide range of ages, sizes and numbers in Campaign groups, Bible School meetings, family gatherings and Youth Weekends, I grew up being around all sorts of people. It was wonderful. And so useful when it comes to moments like these, which are increasingly frequent, when one has to converse with new people of a different age. It is lovely to get to know the new mothers, older mothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, fathers, preachers, missionaries, elders and all sorts. To see our common love and devotion for God flourish through stories and memories with an undying passion is such an encouragement. I can only hope that when I'm 70-something I'll be running marathons bare foot, have learned ventriloquism, and be able to say I have changed someones life for the better. 

How do you know when you're in LOVE?

   I KNOW you're all dying to hear what Dad and I have been up to so far on our travels across the pond but we've done a lot and it'll take some time (especially picking out which pictures to show!) so you'll have to hold your horses a wee bit longer.

   I did, however, want to share with you something rather specific. We arrived in Henderson on Tuesday evening - staying with a couple Steve and Marie, the latter of which I would like to be able to say was inspiration for my Mum's nickname for me, 'Shelly Marie', but I'm not sure. We'll stick with that story though, as she is a wonderful woman, and an honour to be named after!

   On Wednesday morning we went to Freed Hardeman's chapel, before we were due to depart for Searcy that afternoon. The man doing the devotional at the chapel was really good, very well spoken and gave quite a lovely address. I will share with you what he said, in the hope you will also receive some of the same warm fuzziness in your heart that I did upon hearing his words...

   His task was to answer the question 'How do you know when you're in love?' A rather wonderful question which leads to so many prolific answers it is often considered rhetorically, without much conclusion. But this man seemed to have a pretty good answer...

   He said "It depends what kind of love you're talking about - brotherly love, family love, romantic love..." He went on to describe the feeling of being 'in-love', the butterflies, moist palms, heart-racing, gut-clenching feeling upon seeing, holding or even meeting that special someone. He asked "can it be real?" The feeling itself, of course, everyone who has experienced this will agree. But 'how real' it is, is what he moved on to talking about. "If it changed, does it get less?" Well, that depends on how it changes.
   He said LOVE, not 'love' is an "emotion, devotion and action". He Biblically expresses that you "can not serve two masters" because if you serve - if you devote yourself IN action - one thing or person, you can not do wrong to them even if you feel otherwise inclined. This is LOVE.
   He explains that to LOVE we must "Do good to them in spite of ourselves... It's a feeling, but it's your choice what you do with it."

"Some days you wont feel in love, but you don't stop loving... You never have the right to not act right."

We looked briefly at 1 Corinthians 13. 
He said you are 'in LOVE': "When everything you do is for their highest good. When you're willing I be patient and suffer with them, being kind. When you're willing to lift them up to your detriment. When you put them first, being kind and gracious to them no matter what."

"It doesn't matter what they do, you're responsible for what you do."

"When it gets past the emotion... You'll be well and truly on your way knowing that it's the real thing baby 'uh hu hu'..." He ends in a jovial tone, that last bit sounding like Elvis. It was a gooood chapel service.

    We arrived safely in Searcy on Wednesday and Thursday morning we went to the Harding chapel service. This was brilliant, given by one of the students. I shall tell you all about it later, it leads quite well into one of the points made a minute ago... 
   On a personal note - Today would have been Mum's 51st Birthday, had she still been on this earth. Dad mentioned it in his lesson in Church this morning and I found myself crying a bit in public for the first time in a wee while. It still hits me that she's not coming back in the strangest of ways. It is still foreign to me that she won't have any more Birthdays. And I'm still getting used to the idea that she's already with us, and that she is ok.


Peace and love, as always.

Remember, remember...

   I was going to write up some of my diary entries this week mirroring the last weeks with Mum last year but for multiple reasons I have not. I want to think of this as the anniversary of Mum leaving to be with our Heavenly Father, rather than dwell on the bad situations we had last year. I whole heartedly want to be open and honest about everything I have been through but feel that for this, right now, it would be inappropriate to mention certain things. You'll just have to buy my book...


   June Elizabeth Boyns was a wonderful wife, a devoted mother and a loving follower of Christ. She passed away a year ago today on the 27th September 2011. She loved so many, so brilliantly, I pray her memory and character continues to inspire others as it does me. I miss Mum dearly, every day, and every time I do something she would have loved to hear about. I have written a poem (as us writers do) and thought I'd share it with you budding blog followers.

I sat down around quarter to three

To figure out what was happening to me,

My whole life had been turned upside down,

My smiles turned into timid frowns,

My heart gone cold over emptier days,

My head been muddled with unfamiliar ways.

Pausing for a moment, an hour goes by,

I ask no other question by why, God, why?

As mortal I understand there are things which my hand

Cannot reach in terms of Universal cause,

But she was quite another - angelic, she was my mother,

Perhaps just too good for this place, so you took her, by your grace...

A year on, sometimes it feels like days, sometimes weeks,

Since she was here, but I have a comfort in knowing,

Each moment passed is one more growing

Nearer to our meeting for an eternity.

Perfect peace I strive to gain every time I awake,

That would be fainly taken on if it would come,

'Til it does I'll remain in limbo between the past and what will be,

Or until my Lord decides that homeward is also the route for me.

Safe arrival across the pond!

 

   A week ago I was in Glasgow getting the train from Dalmuir, where I had been staying with friends whose band had performed in Perth the Friday before, to East Kilbride. 
From there an American, Scotland residing, family friend let me hitch a ride home and this is what we arrived to. Intentionally waving the British flag? I think so. ;]

 
Dad and I departed the house at 0650hrs (GMT) on Tuesday morning and got a taxi to Peterborough train station. From there we went to London King's Cross, got the Piccadilly Line to Heathrow Terminal 3 and checked ourselves in to depart London at 1250. 

< Checked in and having lunch before our flight out... 


So exciting. We flew to Chicago where we picked up bags, re-checked in and took the hour flight to Nashville, Tennessee where our dear friends Bill and Anna May picked us up and took us to their house. I got some cracking photos of the sunset and cities on the flight from Chicago to Tennessee, and others from before and after our arrival. Here's just some of the lovely views I enjoyed yesterday...

Chicago...

The sun and the moon between Chicago and Tennessee...

Tennessee near Nashville...

Just like home. I have actually taken pictures enough to show you our trip - in Starbucks'! Maybe something to post later for your amusement...

 This was my wonderful view this morning after waking up SO EXCITED once I realised I was in America - going for a dip later methinks! 

   Carrying on with my original intent for this blog, here is just a brief entry from just over a year ago to remember the set up date for Mum's page on CaringBridge. The page is still running and can be found on http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/juneboyns if you're interested in seeing it for yourself.

------------------------------------------

September 18th 2011
CaringBridges page set up for people to check on Mum’s situation/ leave messages/ donations to Papworth/ PHA…
Such a loving response so far… <3

------------------------------------------ 
   In their own words, CaringBridge is for 'Connecting Friends & Family During Health Events', it helps keep people updated with progress of treatment, it allows people to donate money to a personalised cause and it provides a bridge of contact to send messages of love and encouragement to those immediately affected by said health event. Through the site we received 257 notes of encouragement which we read to Mum when possible, hearing from so many people in such loving ways was an immense comfort for her at a time when it is so easy to feel so alone.


Dad and I are about to head out for a bit to collect a projector which he will need for his lessons, a pool dip is scheduled for later, and then meeting at a local Church tonight for some good ol' worshipping. God has been good, He is good, and I have faith His will continues to do us well here across the pond.

Once again, peace and love.

There's no goodbyes here...

So this year has been insane. As you probably know - Dad and I are heading out to America - TOMORROW. Yes, the time has come, as it always does eventually. I have some diary accounts coming your way soon, leading up to Mum's departure. So as my Father and I depart from this country it is strange to have said goodbye to everyone, even for just 7 weeks. Wee Eli Duncan will be so big by the time I get back and it's hard even knowing I'm not able to see him grow and flourish with his cheeky personality in this time. Thinking of this, I can't imagine how hard it would be to say goodbye to everyone you knew - forever - so how about 'See you soon', because in one way or another it's true.

   Watching 'The Bucket List' the other day this issue of 'time to say goodbye' comes up. Morgan Freeman's character quotes that 96% of those asked would prefer not to know their date of death. I conquer with that 96% sometimes, feeling it would only make me worry and limit the ambition and freedom I have, other days I lean towards the other 4%, wanting to know just how long I have to make the impact I want to make. But - why wait? Whether you know or not - If you have something worth doing, do it now! 

   I am a passionate person, and sometimes I can make decisions rashly but it is not for lack of thinking. Quite the opposite. I weigh decisions for doing and for not doing something and I always get back to this feeling of mortality - our time on this earth is limited, but we have never ending opportunities to make our mark if only we would get the courage to take them.

   When I wrote these entries I only knew what I was told from what the Doctors could tell of my Mum's situation. Read, and I'll conclude... 

[[

Saturday 17th September 2011

   Last night Dad rang and told me Mum is in critical condition.

The doctors say that is Aubrey and Sara are serious about wanting Mum at their wedding then they might want to think about bringing it forward. I think they mean that she might not last the winter.

The doctors asked Mum if her heart stopped, would she want them to resuscitate her?

    She said “No”.

But who would want to go through this again? Who could?

So Mum may not see Aubrey get married after all. Nor me, or Shanae. She may not see any grandchildren.

    I may bury my Mum before my 21st Birthday. What about my 20th? Will this be our last Christmas? Was this our last Summer?

Do I quit Uni? She could have 2 more years at least - who knows?

    God knows. I wish he’d tell me…

I’d have to pay my rent still, if I quit Uni. And tax. And my overdraft. Financially it doesn't make sense. But again, how can you put a price on memories of your Mother...

I’m going home the weekend of the 23rd/24th, and also the weekend after that for her 50th Birthday.

    So much planning. So much travel - Time, money...

Hassle? Never.

Just is.

Craig is with me this weekend, so I’m not alone. Going to his tonight, coming back here Monday.

I don’t want to get married, or have children, or grow old, without her. I don’t know if I can.

I don’t want to have to close her eyes. I don’t want her to go. Even if it’s to a better place.

-------

September 17th 2011 21:06

Spoke to Mum briefly on her phone next to her bed in hospital. 

She said “I Love You. Always remember that.” 

She said 'Always', as if she won't be here to tell me herself...

She speaks with whisps, I can’t really hear her well.

She says she doesn’t know what God has planned for her. Neither do I.

]]

   Mum didn't make her 50th, or my 20th, and that was our last summer. When I first re-read that entry, after the fact, I burst into tears, my chest clamped over my heart and I physically hurt with a stabbing pain. Utter shock that mere days could change my world so much, and I re-evaluated my life plan. What I dreamed of having eventually - husband, children - I wanted instantly and thought 'Why wait? We might not have time to wait!' Whilst this is true, I have remembered that patience is a virtue, and everything will happen in God's time if only we let Him. 

   Let go and let God. And if you can't make a decision based on his Word then follow your heart, and let Him guide you from there.

That might be the best advice I ever give you, so you might want to make a note.

I don't know where I will be, who I will be with or what I will be doing for my 21st this year - thought I'd slip that reminder in - in November... But I know I'll be sound in knowing wherever I am God will be with me, and my friends and family won't be far behind. 

 *   *   *   *   *   *

   I'll tell you about our trip more when we actually start it. Though 'til then, here is a ROUGH outline of where we'll be going...

Some days are good days, others are what you make of them.

   I said I would be typing up diary entries from a year ago and here's the next one, from a year ago today, which is my parent's Anniversary.

   They are the best parents anyone could ever ask for. You may disagree and say I'm biased - I am - but it's still true.

[[

Facebook status: ‘Ah pathetic fallacy, true for me in Dundee…’ (Dull, cold and dreary)
 

Night of 15th September 2011 

   Having had a power cut - *TV Shrine* with Anna - I rang Aubrey, who’s visiting Peterborough at the moment, finally got through to Dad’s mobile as they weren’t answering the home phone at 10.30pm! - Turns out Mum is in hospital. Papworth.
    She’s not good.
Worst she’s ever been, even Dad admits it.
    Dad says he thinks the doctors are beside themselves. He thinks the next thing they’ll do, if they can’t do anything else, is say ‘make her comfortable’.
    At the same time, he says it’s not a call to round up the family for last orders, but it’s pretty serious.

“I’m coming down next weekend.”
    “I don’t want you to miss classes.”
“I’m coming.”
    “I understand.”

I would do anything for Mum to be happy.

   She’s got a tube in her neck for something to lower her potassium(?!) and her kidneys are kerplunk. And they did some blood tests on her today, but a tube up her artery and it hurt her. Dad says Mum had just wanted to forget it all and go home. I totally understand that. Dad kept saying that the only thing that gives him hope is knowing that this isn’t it. He said “her condition isn’t certain - in this world at least.”
    So true.

Today was their 27th Anniversary. 15th September 2011. 27 years of marriage. <3 Best parents ever. And they really are.

   I almost wish I could be angry at her for something, so it wouldn't seem so cruel...
    -Almost.

But she is so blameless, so true. It’s just life.

Fragility, mortality, sickness, lack of something or another…
    Not her, it’s just her body.

They were meant to go to the Theatre tonight, but had to cancel. Dad said “Well, at least we got to a theatre” (surgery).
    Funny man.
Well, we all have to be, don’t we.
]]

This year has just been strange. So often I feel like I'm recalling someone else's life whilst living another. I have had some great memories and some great sadnesses, it will certainly be a year to remember. I have learned so much from others through their wisdom, comfort and encouragement, and I sincerely hope I am giving something back in way of experience, inspiration and hope. Whilst many of my posts have light hearted endings, I'm afraid that some may not - as is the way of life. Some days are good days, others are what you make of them.

   Today is the first of my parent's Anniversaries where cards will not be exchanged, nor congratulations given, and it was the first time in 8 months that I visited Mum's grave...

Getting off the bus I feel nervous. I walked to Londis to see if I could get flowers but they've stopped selling them. Down the path, on which I grew up going to school, it suddenly feels like I'm walking to an exam, butterflies in my stomach. The older graves become visible and I give a thought to all those souls I'll never know. Along the path and the moss has disappeared, cleaner stones emerge and I take a moment to consider all the families still affected by these slabs. Even further, nearing the parked cars I swallow the lump in my throat - I can't believe I have to come here to see Mummy.

   She shouldn't be here. She should be at home, her clothes are ready for her, her card making stuff awaits her artistic hand. Walking down the path to get here I clench my jaw to keep me from spluttering tears. 

   A year ago today she went into hospital. Who could have known then I'd be here now? If I had been given a vision of me sitting beside her like this then, I wouldn't have believed it. That her story could end up like this. That 365 days would link one image to the next.

   I should know she is in heaven, I should know that she's not coming back.

   But I just can't believe it. 

And I haven't been that honest with myself until now.

It is hard for me to type this and click 'Publish'. I do so in the hope that maybe I'm helping somebody understand something a little better, whether it be love, life or death. Maybe that somebody is me or maybe it's you, either way I'll keep writing and sharing, and hoping.

Love and peace.

Making a move.

   As I get ready to go home for the first time since New Years I feel anxious, and then confused. I have written already about 'Home Sweet Home' being where the heart is, and I do believe this, but Mum isn't at home anymore so it changes the place as a whole. It'll be strange going in and seeing her hand painted plaques, 'mumsie' magnets on the fridge and country home ornaments dotted upon various surfaces. It'll be strange visiting her grave and seeing how the grass has gown over evenly, giving her flowers that she'll never be able to really appreciate. It's just strange. Almost a year on, and it's even stranger so. It feels like Christmas, the air is thinning, and an anxious excitement has been creeping up on me for the past week. 

   I had said that I was going to write up entries from a year ago, see where I was this time last year and here's one from the 9th and 10th September... 

[[

9th September 2011
Dundee Church Retreat September 2011
Frank Worgan - “But of course you’re Mum will never die, with you alive you’re a spitting image of her.”
<3 You will never know the lump in my throat that came, and went, before I cried into your shoulder.
--------------------------------------
10th September 2011
 Mum got the stair lift put in 2 days after I left them.
It’s the 10th September - 3 months before the wedding. I’m at the Dundee Church Retreat in Arbroath and I was falling asleep yesterday thinking about the wedding. About how Mum might be at Aubrey’s, about how she might not be at mine or Shanae’s - so she should be documented, so we can play it back and live it with her there in some form.
    Then I thought, well, how it could be done, and who could do it - Brittney Cameron. She is an amazing photographer, really waits for the shot, naturally... maybe she could film a bit as well…
    I’d have to ask Aubrey and Sara and Dad for permission, and maybe Mum? But that might make her self conscious and not act naturally… Imagine preparing testimony to those you love because you know you’re going to die... That’s no way to live the time you have left, is it?
    I’d pay her and everything, who can put a price on memories of her Mother?
-----------------------------
   I don’t know how I will be when she goes. Be it a few months, years or decades - losing your Mother is much the same how ever old you are.
I’m reminded of Tawny Owl from Brownies. She dies last year at the age of 42 or something close, her daughter was Oswald’s house at school and I didn’t even realise at the time. Tawny Owl didn’t have anything wrong with her, and she wasn’t even the victim of a crime. A bubble of air got into her bloodstream, she complained of a pain in her knee - she collapsed hours later and died, the bubble got into her heart. There was nothing wrong with her, she just died.
    At least I’ll be prepared for grieving.

]]

Ah crazy. Well, I think it's time for me to make a move and get my suitcase in the car. 

   Readership - I'll see you in England.

We are all we have.

[Caution: Contains Spoilers...]

   I have been watching a LOT of One Tree Hill lately, and over the last few episodes watched there have been tears in my eyes and a gentle tugging in my heart. One of the characters Peyton has suffered through the deaths of both her biological and adoptive Mothers - these issues tug particularly deep considering I understand all that goes with that type of loss. The other major thing which catches me is the relationship Hayley and Nathan Scott have - one which brought them to marry at 17 and have a baby boy the day of graduation. I understand these events are fictional, but only in the sense that those characters don't exist - but those people do. 

   I said in a recent post that I love films, TV shows etc. because I love the resolve, and I do. But I love most of all that they (again, the good ones) address real scenarios and situations and somehow prepare us for our own lives, and can inspire us to do some things in reality and make a real difference. I have always believed in the power of words, and from comments I have had about this blog, I think a lot of you believe it too.

   Martin Luther King Jr gave many inspirational speeches but only 4 words stick universally in people's minds - "I have a dream..." And that's OK. They are good words. The context in which they were said makes them Great. So I wonder what words people will remember from me. 

   On the other hand I once heard this phrase, "People may not remember what you say, they may not even remember what you do, but they will always remember how you made them feel." So maybe it's not all about words and maybe not even the actions you take, maybe it's about how you love.
   If there is anything I have learned for certain this year it is that people matter; Who you chose to let in to your heart, who you share your life with, who you worry about during the day and think about before you go to bed. I firmly believe that God created us to have relationships with each other. In His image we are family to each other just as He is Father, Son and Spirit.
   So imagine a faith strong enough to move mountains (Matthew 17:20), and aim for a love so strong it makes the world go round. Don't give up on each other. We are all we have.