Do be do be do.

   A few weekends ago Dad, Shanae and I visited the Grandparents in Devises. It was Grandpa's Birthday on the Monday and we went to the cinema to see Les Miserables, I made lasagna with Grandma which we had for dinner and a lovely cake Shanae had assisted with as well. Coming to this house as a child meant that we would play board and card games, do puzzles, go across the valley and make forts in the green opposite the back garden, have pudding after each meal, and no WiFi. The latter was not noticeable until recent years and now with such smart phone technology it is no longer as applicable, but it is interesting to see how dependent I seem to be on keeping in the cyber loop.

 I enjoy keeping in touch with people and playing games online with people miles away, and of course I blog, but it struck me a few weeks ago how I am not as alright being alone as I used to be. Losing Mum probably has something to do with this, but I think I've been searching for something for years now to occupy my time, other than myself.

When I was younger, about 9-13 I had my head stuck in books so much so that my brother would get frustrated with me when I would refuse to play games with him choosing instead to finish off a chapter or two in the latest Jaqueline Wilson book. I used to write a lot, poems, stories, letters, journals, and draw still life, people from photos and dress designs. I used to be quite content being by myself and doing my own thing and somewhere between then and late adolescence I got hooked onto social networking in different forms. 

When I started my journals for this book I reclaimed my passion for writing. Having started my degree in English and Film Studies I have rekindled my love of reading and expanded the horizons of my interest in film, but since my studies took a pause last May I feel I've fallen back into the habit of being cyber-social 24/7. A while ago I started 'The Glass Virgin' by Catherine Cookson and I'm over half way through it, an interesting read! At my Grandparent's house I completed a 1000 piece puzzle and remembered, I love puzzles. This may all seem elementary for some people, and maybe others are thinking my habits sound rather similar to their own, but I am discovering new likes and dislikes I was before unaware of because I hadn't spent the time to figure them out.

To make a long story short - I am doing more things now in the real world, by myself, rather than staring at a computer screen/waiting for a message response, and it's awfully refreshing. 

The other day I met a friend at my house and we walked up to a wee nature reserve in my village with a lake and watched the sunrise. I took along some hot chocolate in a flask and a few breakfast bars and we sat and talked and enjoyed the fresh breeze. It was surprisingly invigorating. Over the past few weeks I have been blitz clearing out my room, rearranging furniture and making it look generally more homey, my next project is to make a 'wall of frames' above the bed and it'll be done. A few days ago I dyed my hair red! My sister and I found the dye whilst clearing things out and I thought - why the heck not. 
   I have also been doing a few colourful things in my diary lately, and have a new idea to make my life from here on out more positive: I re-read my diary from last year and realised I complain in it a lot. Reading back over the things that went wrong, disappointments, sad thoughts and unwanted memories and I realised that they aren't the things that I want to remember. So I have decided that I will only write positive things in my diary. An idea on Pinterest was to have a clear glass jar and fill it with small notes of good things that happen each day in 2013, to re-read at the end of the year. If you use different coloured pieces of paper it can be a pretty display piece and you can be reminded daily of the good things that happen in your life.

So here's a wee list of things to brighten up your dull days as we wish the winter chills away:
- Go for a walk somewhere different (even just down a street or path you don't normally venture)
- Watch the sunrise/sunset with a friend (prefferably outside, if it's raining - take a brolly!)
- Drink Hot Chocolate in the morning (sweet starts to the day are always the best)
- Read a book (or finish all those ones you started and never finished)
- Do something different with your appearance (dye your hair/wear your good shirt to work)
- Clear out your room/redecorate (tidy house, tidy mind)
- Make a new playlist, discover some new music or get back into the stuff that you really used to love (I've been listening to a lot of country recently which reminds me of Spring Cleaning with Mum <3)
- Give a compliment a day (a 'Pay it Forward' idea - give a little love and it all comes back to you)
- Make something (a card/present/cake/smoothie - Valentine's Day coming up! We have a special ability to be creative, and Doing It Yourself can be rather therapeutic)

Do something new. Be content in what you have. Do something for someone else. And repeat - do, be, do, be, do...

The city is big but God is bigger.

   Recently I have been filled with excitement thinking of possible ideas for the future and a goal which will require me to save a while lot of money for... I am determined to do it though, and for once in my life I feel so positive and hopeful of an endeavour that I am happy to go over obstacles and to endure the work it will take to achieve. 
   This book (for which this blog was started) is close to my heart, of course, and I am working on it - don't worry. But this is a much clear-cut plan, I feel a rush of independence, freedom and adventure when I ponder on this adventure. 
   What made me laugh at myself was my eagerness to earn said money needed for what I want. My eagerness and happiness to work hard to get it. And I was surprised in feeling this confidence for the fist time ever. What I want is so wonderful to me I will go above and beyond to get it. 
   When there is a goal on the horizon, the work to get there can often seem less daunting than a task with no clear outcome, and more like a brilliant challenge to reach the summit. I am excited to work for this thing I want and know I will love. This got me thinking about our endeavours in life generally. This position is echoed in all sorts of situations - those of love, exotic expeditions, or personal missions. 
   What about the work God has for us as his children? Do we get so excited about that? Do we understand what He has for us to do? Perhaps you do and you can count yourself blessed above so many with clear vision and sound mind, and I pray He continues to bless you in these ways. If you arent so sure - what are you doing to find out? Reading His word is a good way. Talking to others about your talents and opportunities you could take advantage of is good too. Praying about it is useful too, sometimes no answer is an answer. Sometimes we have to jump in and see what comes of it.
   Too often I have thought 'I'm too young', 'I don't have the money', 'I don't have the room' to do this, that or the other that I would like to do to serve Him. But I wonder now - are these just excuses? They certainly are if I use them to reason why I do nothing to serve Him. 
   I am not alien to the struggles which surround my generation, or the ones of those who have come before me - regardless of my age, I have eyes and a fair understanding of how this world works. But I refuse to believe that any of these limitations are anything but opportunities to be creative in our ministry. (Practically: If you work on the weekends, be active during the week. If you struggle with funding, change the way you're planning your project, raise more funds, as for home grown volunteering or try something else simpler.) With this picture > I am not suggesting we all graffiti our streets with scripture, but it is an interesting way of making people think. If you have limited resources, transport or support - ask someone for help. Don't be afraid to ask of others what you would readily give if you could.
   It is often in times of oppression that people are forced to be creative, to achieve their original goal through alternate means - and the result will a breath of fresh air.
   But don't ever fall useless, or disheartened, or weary because you feel unqualified.
'God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called.'*

"For by grace you have been saves through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God." - Ephesians 2:8  

This verse is so wonderful, because it explains our salvation, how God doesn't work on a 'point system' by which you get 8 points for being a preacher and 9 for a missionary - no. It is NOT by our own doing good that we are saved... But this does NOT mean that there is no reason to do good. 
   I have often thought of this verse and reasoned that it's OK I don't go to every Church service through the week, and it's OK I didn't make something for pot luck, and it's OK I 'messed up a bit' the other day. But it's not. Those who have thought similar have probably also, like me, tried to steer clear of verses like:

"If you love me, you will keep my commandments." John 14:15

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." - Galations 6:9

But there is no excuse for not doing good when you know you can. 
   The goal we have to look forward to is heaven. Eternal salvation. If you can't get out of bed for that, then I guess there literally is no hope for you.

   'There is no question whether God's Will will be done. The question is, will you be the one to do it?'*

*(So said a guy from Harding University in chapel the other week - inspiring stuff.)

When one door closes, another one opens.

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” - Ben Okri

   I moved to Dundee in the summer of 2010 already knowing a lot of people living here. Some in the congregation I was familiar with I had known since I was about 5, some had met me further down my journey of life, and there were of course the friends-to-be.

   I met Jayne in this time, she was 23, had been married for 3 years, and we just clicked. Our friendship grew strong and fast particularly from the summer of 2011, so strong that September 2011 when Mum passed, she said she’d have hopped the very next train to Peterborough to be by my side and help me through it all if I had wanted. We have shared our life stories, confided in each other, laughed and cried together. 

   After Mum’s funeral in October I came back to Dundee and on our first get together after the funeral Jayne sat me down and giddily said she had some big news. I waited a few moments in suspense and she said, almost whispered, to me that she was pregnant - I was ecstatic. We threw our arms around each other and shed a few tears of joy, basking in the wonderful idea of this new baby appearing into this world. She admitted shortly after that she was unsure whether she should mention it so soon after Mum passing, but in all honesty I was thrilled. Relieved. 

   I realised that I was witnessing what is commonly referred to as the Circle of Life. Mum had lived and she died, and here was a new creation of life, right before me. I felt a hope spread through my heart that calmed the longing ache, I was just beginning to understand that it is ok for something to end, because something else always begins at the same time. It is this which initially inspired the line in my poem (posted earlier on): Yet that which we create and resolving not to hate, make the pain and the suffering more dim. 

Welcome to the world Eli Daniel Duncan!

   Similar reflections have come over me throughout these past few months, involving my relationships with those around me. Whilst it is not always good when a relationships ends, it is also often unavoidable. When doors like these close it can open up opportunities to evaluate your time spent with that person, the changes you have made and things you have gone through in that time - in the hope of improving yourself and other relationships you have in the future. I have been through some big changes in my relationships in the past few months, especially noticeable due to my situation and recent struggles. It is crazy that sometimes it is those which you least expect that step up to the plate - and in other cases it is the other way around. I have had to learn to live with some disappointments, a valuable life lesson for anybody, and also be the instigator myself, for my own good. 

   Sometimes going to someone for help and support is harder than just accepting it, but it is also so often necessary if people don’t know what you need.

As a Christian I try to remember to lean on God, though human reassurance can often have a more instant gratification and I rely on people instead of Him. On Sunday it was told that C. S. Lewis had said that by reaching out your hands to others you forget that God was there, loving you from the first. This is certainly something I am working on, and will continue to work on for the rest of my life.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified [...], for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 32:6