If you give a little love you can get a little love of your own.

I haven't blogged in a while and I have had a lot to say - just not the time nor the energy to write it.
   When not working as a Barista:

I travelled to and back from Scotland three times this month and have spend 3/4 Sunday church services with the congregation in East Kilbride. 

I went to London twice this month as well, both times with at least one American contingent, giving them some deep British cultural education and wonderment.

I took a day trip to Cambridge with my American best friend. <3

I surprised one of my best friends for her son's first Birthday party in Dundee.

Co-made an amazing board game for Scott's Dad for Fathers Day.

And I lopped most of my hair off for charity.

So it's been a bit crazy.

But this is June. A wonderful name for a wonderful month. 

   I had promised to let you know how the whole 'hair chopping for Little Princess Trust' thing was going (apologies for not being more informative until now) but it is going and has been going amazingly. I GOT MY HAIR CHOPPED yesterday and I'm still feeling weird about not being able to twirl my locks at waist height but I'm so blessed and encouraged by everyone who has donated and taken part in this journey.
   At a last check I have raised £243.08 and need £350 in total so we're doing pretty well! I am blown away with people's generosity in this and people's kindness in the whole thing. I will be donating 7''-15'' of hair with my layers so that's quite a lot, hopefully some little girl will enjoy some shoulder length curls. I'm excited for her (or him if he's a total little rock star)! 
    If you would still like to be involved please visit https://www.justgiving.com/Rachelle-Boyns and donate what you can. The money is so the wig can be made and any surplus will go towards funding other wigs as well so it'll definitely be used for a good thing. 
 Here's evidence of the chop (and a curly experiment)!

 
Back to some Thoughts of Shelly Marie:

   One thing that has definitely been on my mind throughout the whole month is trust. I am now in a long distance relationship and find that things play on my mind perhaps more than they used to. We are most afraid of what we don't know, I guess. Two of my friends are about to go into long distance relationships as well and they share the same woes with me on this. Whilst it sounds like I'm talking about trust within the realms of fidelity and such I'm more thinking about trust in the sense of agreement. Each of us have essentially agreed to work together for the remainder of the closeness, whether that goes on for the rest of our lives or whether it passes us by. But 'what if...' is always the devil's advocate. What if one day the other person just finds you 'too much' for them to handle?
   I find myself on emotional roller coasters still and I thought I would be more level headed by now (lol). I have a desire to be able to take care of myself because there have been times in these past 21 months when I have felt so alone, so helpless, and I don't ever want to feel that again.
    I just had a conversation with my Dad about me moving back up to Dundee for Term starting back in September. I have nowhere to live at the moment, nor a confirmation of my student finance, nor a job lined up and I can't even access my University online account to check my modules to start prep work for classes. There is so much uncertainty about my return that right now that I get upset daily because it doesn't feel like it's going to happen. But it will. I have at least two months to get it sorted out and I know a lot can happen in two months...
   I've not had the best run with close friends or boyfriends past - it's hard to admit to yourself that the other person just doesn't care enough - and I'm surprised time and time again when my problems turn into hindsight and when my worries are calmed by the guy I'm proud to call mine. I am reminded to count my blessings and am assured that everything will be ok - because I am not alone. In talking to my Dad he reassures me that as a family we leave no one behind, and I know that God is looking out for me too. I'm sure He's going to spring some cool plan on me last minute and I'll wonder why I ever worried in the first place. So trust. It's a lot, but I think if I work at it a whole bunch more things will feel a lot less than they are right now. 
   No one gets left behind, and we are never alone.

Because I know you by heart.

I haven't blogged in a long time and I apologise profusely, but life has been very busy lately. Work, friends getting married and I am just coming home from a week holiday in Glasgow to see friends and my now boyfriend (!).
   It's all very exciting and I am so thankful to know that even after what I've been through I still find happiness and peace and joy in life.
   Listening to music on the train home one of my favourite songs comes on by Eva Cassidy called 'I know you by heart' in which the lyrics tell of a true love, picturing someone dear from memory and feeling as if they're there - you know them by heart. 

"You left in Autumn
The leaves were turning
I walked down roads of orange and gold.
I saw your sweet smile
I heard your laughter
You're still here beside me every day."

   I worry that I will forget Mum, but I do know her by heart and I will learn more about her as we reminisce years on and as I learn more about how she shaped me.
   I love the song because it makes me think of the idea of knowing someone by heart. Knowing what makes a person passionate, what makes them tearful, and knowing how to take care of them when they aren't so sure themselves. I have relied on people so much this past year and I fully appreciate the relationships I am blessed to be a part of.
   I think it starts when you realise that you're not that strong on your own and then believing that that's OK, and then moves on when you accept that you are enough - more than enough - to be wholeheartedly loved by others. And it's wonderful. So wonderful.
   So listen to that song, and feel the love...

B-z-b-z-b-z.

   Life has been busy busy busy recently which makes for a change from the lazy winter I had job searching etc but it means I'm tired a lot and don't write as often. Need to get myself more organised maybe... We'll get there!
   It was a lovely day today with the most wonderful morning I've experienced in a long time with a perfect cool, still, air that greeted you ever so freshly. I got to work early so got my almond filter coffee and sat reading 'A Room Of Ones Own' by Virginia Woolf, smiling at one line which I knew my Dad would appreciate;
      "If truth is not to be found on the shelves of the British Museum, I asked myself, where, picking up a notebook and a pencil, is truth?"

Anyhow, here is something I wrote just a few days ago...

[[
21 April 2013
   This morning I sat on the sofa in the living room drinking my morning tea and I thought for the first time so clearly 'I really miss Mum. And I can't believe she's gone.'
   When I arrived at work yesterday after lunch I received a text message from Dad saying "About to take to the skies in a Tiger Moth. Love you. Xxx." Dad and his friend Paul had headed out to Duxford Imperial War Museum that morning and it had briefly crossed my mind that on such a fine day, and with Paul's profession providing him with over 3000 hours of flying experience, that their jaunt might result in appreciating the vehicles from more than just ground level. So when I received this text I thought 'Dear bless us all' in a Mum-like fashion and got on with my shift. A few hours later I felt my phone vibrate, alerting me of another text message, and having forgotten about the message from Dad and it suddenly rushed back to me and the thought crossed my mind that this text could be one of more emergency... As soon as that clicked, a quivering peace reached consciousness that said 'if so, at least he died doing what he loved most', and that surprised me.
   I don't worry like I used to though, to be honest I don't see the point. I dont' worry about others as much because I realise I can not change their immediate path, all I can do is prepare myself to be ready to help with whatever consequences that may come. 
   I imagine that, should I be blessed with children, this mentality with rapidly repent but for now I will enjoy not worrying. 
   "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
   So this morning I sat down on the sofa drinking my morning tea and I looked at the carpet with the dust bits on it, I thought of how I'll spend the rest of the day after church ceaning because when I get home from work in the week I'm exhausted. I thought of how Mum used to sit, with her tea on her lap, one leg over the other, with me, and how it seems a lifetime ago. It was actually 1/10th of my life ago, I think, and it occurs to me that when I'm 40 I would have lived more days without a Mum than with one, and how I have to accept it because 'that's life'.
   Though I find it's not a hard thing to accept - 6 weeks ago I struggled to remember how many syrup and coffee shots were in a Caramel Macchiato compared with a flavoured Americano but now I can make drinks for hours without really thinking about it. I know how new habits can gasp fast and how some old habits die hard if you have no choice - but it's sometimes a hard thing to believe.
   It's not a hard thing to accept but it's a hard thing to believe.
Saying that I think to when Christians take the communion and I think how it's not hard to know I'm forgiven, but believing it is another thing when I know what I've done.
]]

One Grande Almond Filter, a Cinnamon Swirl and a Tid Bit for today.

   As you know, I've recently started a job as a Barista in Starbucks in my hometown of Peterborough - so you should totally make a wee trip and come get a coffee!
   It is still going well and I have been enjoying my new routines, new responsibilities, new friends, and my new 'usual' of almond syrup in the filter coffee coupled with a cinnamon swirl mmm. As I have been enjoying these things, and with Easter now having been and gone, I have been thinking about 'newness'.
   There is much value placed on the 'new' today, "out with the old in with the new" sort of thing. In the film 'I Could Never Be Your Woman' the character Mother Nature says that the way of life is that the younger you are the better you are because you're prettier, more agile, stronger etc, yet I'm partial to the ways of different cultures where a 'wise one' is consulted when dealing with community issues. Our Western society feeds off individual impulses and independent success but I think we are wrong in so many ways. I digress...
   Whilst we get excited about new things and hastily throw away the old sometimes we forget that consistency and commitment is also what keeps the world spinning; Consistency in routine and in morals, and commitment to each task and relationship. I am trying to take this on board with even the simplest things - like finishing novels I started reading a year ago, and keeping on keeping on with this book... [Fuelled by my almond filter and cinnamon swirl!]

   So basically my tid bit today is of course, make life exciting with newy newy newness - start of grandly, but remember to keep going and finish well!

*Irish accent* Give you over.

[[

Tuesday 26th March 2013
   I am sitting in Starbucks at one of the high tables in the corner, looking out over my workplace before my shift starts in 14 minutes. I have just finished going through my blog posts, picking out recurring themes which may become chapters in my book - I’ll then gather the similar writings and make them legible with a bit more insight, we’ll see how it goes.
   One theme I picked out I titled ‘Self-Strength’. It is the confidence we find in ourselves after rock bottom, and as much as it may sound like independence, I am not really sure such a thing exists...
]]

   So I wrote that and then had to go to work. I must apologise for being so out of the blog loop lately, but I will use the example above to explain why - I got a job! YAY! Barista at Starbucks and it's going so well. Made lots of friends and meeting new customers, getting to know the regulars, making amazing coffee etc., yeah it's all grand. I feel so blessed with this job, I'm having trouble trying to fit in all my other blessings like friends up North who are getting married and celebrating first Birthdays but to be honest it's a good problem to have. 

I've had a couple of thoughts recently which I'd like to share with you. The one above about thankfulness but also the one above about my possible chapter: Self-Strength. 
   I have been thinking about it for a while, the idea of moving on after something in life grounds you, like my Mum passing away (a year and a half ago today). I have been thinking about what makes a person get back up and try again, whether the strength or 'independence' is a discovery one finds alone, or whether there's a lot more to it than that. 
   I have always believed in some form or another of 'the butterfly effect', the way that one thing changes another which can change another which can change another which leads to you and changes your life. 
   Sometimes miracles happen and we have the choice to accept or reject them, other times we are given blessings and we can chose to acknowledge them or give them up. Looking back over my life so far I can see the people who had been put in my life and I see their purpose. I can see the opportunities that were placed in my grasp and the outcome they had. I can also see when I ignored advice, when I went a way I knew I shouldn't have, and yet I am now OK.
   I will never give up hoping that the best is yet to come, I will never give up on those I hold dearest, and I will never give up trying to be the best me I can be. Why? Because I am not alone. I can see where other's worked for me or with me for my successes and I remember the people who help pick me back up.I have been given so much that I have no excuse to give up but every excuse to give over. Give over to something bigger than yourself; give over, and give back.

Here is a cute example of not giving up/finding strength in giving over:

 Aaaaand here's a video I came across this week...

Kid President spreading the love and meeting some amazing people: 

O Sleeper & Little Hands

Friday 22nd Feb
   I am so tired. 
It definitely has something to do with the mere 3 and a half hours sleep I had last night having been up with some good friends talking 'til 4 am. It mostly has to with the crazy amount, and range, of emotions I've been feeling lately. Some things aren't very easy to 'sleep off' - some things fatigue you so deeply that you carry them like a force within you, feeling the slight drag of each step and the pause before each kind smile...

Saturday 23rd Feb
   After I wrote that last night we had dinner with the people that had arrived for the family seminar weekend here in Gemunden. We had some singing and a devotional after dinner and then free time before bed. I had been feeling 'weary and heavy laden' with worries about home, a job, friends, and grief, but something happened that evening which took that sense of helplessness away. One of the women who had arrived brought with her her three children, two girls aged 5 and 2 and a baby boy of 6 months. I was making a cup of tea in the kitchen when the youngest girl, Lucy, came up to me and just stood and looked up at me. I looked at her and said 'hello' and she mumbled something inaudible. Crouching down to her I asked her what she said and she looked at me and said "Can you sing me a song?" I laughed, and she smiled cheekily back. It was so random, and so sweet, so I obliged and sang a bit of 'Jesus Loves Me'.
   The family sat opposite us at dinner and we got better acquainted, after clearing up and sitting down to sing, Lucy climbed under the table over to me and sat on my lap whilst we sang. Her sister proceeded to follow and I shuffled over in my seat so she could share it with me. A few hours earlier I had been dwelling with a great sadness and there I sat with two beautiful children who wanted to be near me, singing God's praises, holding their little hands. It was wonderful. 

   This weekend Monte Cox is giving lessons entitled 'The Word became flesh', talking about the true nature of Jesus - not just knowing the Bible but knowing the Author well enough to follow and represent Him. He spoke about an idea written in 'The Jesus I Never Knew' how the only King to ever chose his Mother and place of birth was Jesus - who chose to be born to a teenager, in a stable trough. He was put in a position where, when he met the outcast of society, he could speak to them as equals having been so low in social rankings himself. He gave hope to the helpless, and last night, holding that little girl's hand gave me hope too. For someone so small and actually helpless to want to be with me, even when sometimes I feel so small and helpless myself, well, it felt good.
   In helping others we help ourselves; in loving others, we are loved; and in sharing happiness the heart is glad.

What is in a word?

   I have had the pleasure of sorting through a lot of things in our family home over the past few months, today my sister and I disassembled and reassembled a wardrobe and I am in the process of filling it with my things. Why tell you this, of course, to share with you my thoughts upon coming across a small box filled to the brim of the most wonderful things this world could ever behold.

   It is not money nor rare jewels, literally, but they are words. Words of kindness, inspiration and pure love, which are jewels of their own kind. Over the years I have collected notes I have received from various friends and acquaintances and saved them in this little box. I forget about it, come back to it time to time and have a feel-good rummage. Today I knew I was going to be moving my things and knew I would encounter this stash of paper, and I knew it would give me a warmth, but I did not expect to be overwhelmed, and I was.

   As I went through the misshapen pieces of paper and card reading all scrawls of handwriting I felt a lump form in my throat, and caught myself well up in all the niceties of the correspondences. Some of the authors I taught at Camp, others were my councillors from years ago, others were childhood friends, a few were from Teachers at school, some from life-long friends, some from my sister and some from Mum. 

No matter how much I know of it between different people, different countries and different times in my life, Love continues to astound and bewilder me.

Sometimes I think I know what it's all about, service and kindness to others. But sometimes it's about sacrifice and believing in someone when they don't believe in themselves. I know how I have felt over this year and a bit and it certainly hasn't always been chipper. I know what I have done in my life and I am a sinner like everyone else. But I have these lovely words to go back to and remember that I am capable of doing something wonderful, I am able to be better than I think.

   I hope that you have received kind words from friends in the past. I hope you have been told that you are loved, treasured, needed, for without you this world just wouldn't be the same. I pray you understand that these are true, they are sentiments from me, but most of all they are sentiments from God to all his Children. 

     My Child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

   I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

   My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

   If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

   When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

   I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

   Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is… Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, YourFather,

Almighty God

- - - - - - - - - -

   P.s. Readers, this is part 1 of 2. There will be something else, related, coming to you soon. 

Peace and love. 

Others have excuses, I have my reasons why.

   A few weeks ago a 12 year old boy at my church in Corby gave a prayer in which he asked God to help us each with our "personal battles and private wars". I thought it was so eloquently put I wrote it down, it's a phrase which says a lot about a 12 year old's understanding of the people around him, because I know I have personal battles and am fighting my own private wars. I'm sure you are too.


   My sister and I watched 'The Social Network' last night, a film depicting the events surrounding the creation of Facebook, the largest social networking site in the world. The shocking thing about the site is how popular it became (and remains) in such a short amount of time. Zuckerburg and this 12 year old boy understand that people are all about people, and that people all have problems. We are all more alike than we would like to think. Since the beginning of time man's heart has remained the same, I believe that our problems stem from selfishness, of our own doing or someone else's, or they are dealt to us through circumstance and human dysfunction. Whilst some may preach that specific objects, groups and devices are evil, I argue that everything is what we make of it, and the decisions we make are ultimately down to the intentions in our heart.
   This blog has had almost 7000 views since I started it last May. I'm grateful that so many take the time to read my words, but it doesn't surprise me that the majority of readers would be able to relate with my stories, thoughts and prayers. For this, I love you. If there is one reason we are here it is to glorify the King of Kings, if there is another it is to love each other as He has loved us.

   Upon scrolling through some blogs I follow this week a few issues with encouragements have cropped up that I would like to share.
Courtney shared a pick-me-up quote from an 85 year old woman.
An Unapologetic Dreamer believes we should not only celebrate our similarities but also our differences - culture and otherwise.
Natalie reminds me that bad relationships in the past prepare us for the one good one that lasts.

Here is some simple advice on life and living. Short and sweet. Written by a 90 year old woman from Ohio, so I'm pretty sure it was written after some trial and error.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short – enjoy it..
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
9. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it...
14 Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
15. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
16. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
17. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
20. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
21. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
22. The most important sex organ is the brain.
23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
25. Always choose life.
26. Forgive but don’t forget.
27. What other people think of you is none of your business.
28. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does..
31. Believe in miracles.
32. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
33. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
34. Your children get only one childhood.
35. All that truly matters in the end is that you Loved.
36. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
37. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
38. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you 'need'.
39. The best is yet to come...
40. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
41. Yield.
42. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson 

Time flies... doesn't it?

What does time mean to you?


Time is a bird which leaves its footprints
At the corner of your eye.
Time's a jockey, racing horses,
The sun and moon across the skies.
Time's a thief, stealing your beauty,
Leaving you with tears and sighs.
But if you waste time trying to catch him,
Time's a bird and time just flies.
  -  Valerie Bloom


Time has been segmented into seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years (etc.), but really all there has ever been is a moment and that moment is what has been, what will be, and what is right now. I often wonder what I would do without deadlines. If I weren't hurried to finish essays by a certain date, or didn't have to be at the station by a specific minute. If I lived in a place without watches, where the sun was the only atmospheric movement detectable, and physical decay was the only sign of ageing...


[   Looking out from the wooden deck we could see the driveways and garage to the left, and grass leading from it rise up on a slight incline and over a small hill within which stood three horses. One was grazing near the fence and the other two were moseying, one in front of the other. Each step seemed synchronised with a lulled heartbeat, their bodily weight shifted from hoof to hoof, and their tails swished effortlessly in the temperate heat. As we indulged in the sight the man we were standing with pointed to the pair and said "Now I believe that is the pace in which we were all meant to live." ]


We can not venture into the past except through our memories and keepsakes. We cannot go into the future except by dreaming and scheming. 
   We can not live in the moment if we are caught up in what went before, nor can we appreciate what we have if we are in want for something more.

   Time means a lot of different things to me. Over the past few years I have witnessed a life at it's end, and have also seen a new life come into existence. For me, time is not measured in how long I have left but how far I have left to go. 

'Tis the season...

I hope you had a Merry Christmas and I wish a Happy New Year to all my readers!
   I apologise for being awfully absent from blogging, but I'm sure you've all been busy over the holidays and will forgive my tardiness.
   This year's Christmas, like last year's, was very different from all the rest we have had as a family. Last year was the first Christmas without Mum and Aubrey. Mum had recently passed away so her absence was felt constantly, and Aubrey was on a Caribbean cruise with Sara for their honeymoon. We tried to enjoy ourselves, but the stress of preparations along with emotional battles made us exhausted, feeling that we were 'going through the motions'. We did our best.
   This year was the first Christmas that Aubrey and his wife Sara celebrated with us, Shanae has also moved home for a bit so once again we had 5 Boyns' round the table for Christmas, it was rather lovely. As Father Christmas has an awfully busy schedule, us 'childer' have had to accept that he no longer visits us, giving younger ones the magical experience we had in our childhood, and so the tradition of opening a sack full of presents in the wee hours of Christmas morning have somewhat changed. The weeks leading up to the big day, I spent sorting boxes all over the house and cleaning, rearranging so we have a bit more order and space. We bought our tree in the traditional Boyns' fashion - promptly on the 23rd December, and spent the next day finishing off decorations, whilst also rearranging the living room furniture on Christmas Eve!
   We woke up Christmas Morning, had breakfast - sponsored by Capain' Crunch and Lucky Charms - got ready and went up the village to place a Christmas heart wreath on Mum's grave. We saw a few other people in the yard as well, remembering their loved ones on such a pivotal family holiday. It was nice to spend a few moments remembering how things used to be, and thinking how strange it is to be able to carry on after such a significant part of us is gone.
   The rest of the day was spent enjoying cooking Christmas dinner together, watching the Queen's Speech, listening to Dad's speech, and opening gifts from each other in the evening. On Boxing Day we had our first visit from 'extended family' that being Sara's parents and her sister, and we enjoyed a second Christmas Dinner with even more people crammed into our little dining room. Our Christmases always involve scrounging to find spare chairs, hearing bad jokes and having wrapping-paper-ball fights, and I'm jolly glad they do.

   I felt this year for the first time that I really can make the holiday special, by simply playing my part. Parents know they have important roles to play in getting their children's wish lists to Santa [amongst other things], and grandparents know they can spoil their grandchildren as much as they like because - it's Christmas. Older siblings' roles are to be a united front in making sure the parents aren't driven crazy by too many little jobs, as well as keeping a flow of laughter circulating the house. The little children are there to remind us of the magic surrounding these holidays, the feeling that whatever you wish for can come true, that there is a man in the sky who will bring us the things we need, and that no matter what happens for the rest of the year Christmas will always mean family, hope, joy and lots of cake.