O Sleeper & Little Hands

Friday 22nd Feb
   I am so tired. 
It definitely has something to do with the mere 3 and a half hours sleep I had last night having been up with some good friends talking 'til 4 am. It mostly has to with the crazy amount, and range, of emotions I've been feeling lately. Some things aren't very easy to 'sleep off' - some things fatigue you so deeply that you carry them like a force within you, feeling the slight drag of each step and the pause before each kind smile...

Saturday 23rd Feb
   After I wrote that last night we had dinner with the people that had arrived for the family seminar weekend here in Gemunden. We had some singing and a devotional after dinner and then free time before bed. I had been feeling 'weary and heavy laden' with worries about home, a job, friends, and grief, but something happened that evening which took that sense of helplessness away. One of the women who had arrived brought with her her three children, two girls aged 5 and 2 and a baby boy of 6 months. I was making a cup of tea in the kitchen when the youngest girl, Lucy, came up to me and just stood and looked up at me. I looked at her and said 'hello' and she mumbled something inaudible. Crouching down to her I asked her what she said and she looked at me and said "Can you sing me a song?" I laughed, and she smiled cheekily back. It was so random, and so sweet, so I obliged and sang a bit of 'Jesus Loves Me'.
   The family sat opposite us at dinner and we got better acquainted, after clearing up and sitting down to sing, Lucy climbed under the table over to me and sat on my lap whilst we sang. Her sister proceeded to follow and I shuffled over in my seat so she could share it with me. A few hours earlier I had been dwelling with a great sadness and there I sat with two beautiful children who wanted to be near me, singing God's praises, holding their little hands. It was wonderful. 

   This weekend Monte Cox is giving lessons entitled 'The Word became flesh', talking about the true nature of Jesus - not just knowing the Bible but knowing the Author well enough to follow and represent Him. He spoke about an idea written in 'The Jesus I Never Knew' how the only King to ever chose his Mother and place of birth was Jesus - who chose to be born to a teenager, in a stable trough. He was put in a position where, when he met the outcast of society, he could speak to them as equals having been so low in social rankings himself. He gave hope to the helpless, and last night, holding that little girl's hand gave me hope too. For someone so small and actually helpless to want to be with me, even when sometimes I feel so small and helpless myself, well, it felt good.
   In helping others we help ourselves; in loving others, we are loved; and in sharing happiness the heart is glad.

Death is nothing at all.

   Not long after coming back from the states I went into the small Christian bookshop we have in Peterborough and saw a poem on a wallet-sized card. It has been in my purse ever since and reading it on Monday it gave me the same hope it did months ago, only this time for someone else.

   In 2010 before I moved up to Dundee for University a woman at the church in Corby made me some pretty bunting to decorate the room in which a dinner was held for me, a 'last supper' as it were. Upon exclaiming how CUTE it was, she let me keep it and it decorated the foyer of my flat in Dundee for a year. She's the type of lady who loves a cuddle and joke, on numerous occasions I recall her coming up to me from behind and pinching my bottom before asking me to spill all the updates of my life, love and otherwise. In my mind she always wears fashionable leather boots (in a UK size 3 or so because she's tiny), a 3/4 length skirt which flares at the end and a cosy coat (because it's always cold when I'm in Corby!). Our conversations are about fabrics as she had a fabric shop in the marketplace for a while. We speak about Mum and how we miss her; the pair of them were the dependable food-makers for events at Corby and when Mum died she took the load herself, even organising the food for Mum's funeral at our request, and she always did a wonderful job.
 I remember her Mother and her Mother's Mother. As I grew up in the church they 'slipped away to the next room' and a few days before Christmas last year she went to join them. On Monday we said goodbye to her earthly body, knowing she is already at peace with her maker. Her three children, husband, Father, sisters and friends are in the same room as you and I, waiting, hoping and praying to see her again soon.


Death is Nothing at All

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

  - Henry Scott Holland

If.

   These past few weeks of being home after America and my Birthday have been such a roller coaster. I miss friends in America and Scotland and even those that are closer but haven't yet been able to see. I have renewed some old friendships and made new ones too, and I'm forever grateful for the opportunities God gives me in that. But I find that adjusting to the way Dad does things in the house is a task in itself, and learning how to live together again is a work in progress. Sorting things in the house is a mission, not one I relish in but one that needs done, and eventually maybe we'll get the place looking like Christmastime. 
   Often I wish I had been the one to go, and not Mum. I think she would know what things were and where they were meant to go, what needs kept, who to send Christmas cards to and maybe even know their addresses by heart. In dark times I wonder who I can pour my heart to, who will encourage me, who will tell me everything will be OK, because that used to be Mum. Now, I have close friends, and you. I write words and shoot them out into cyberspace and you read them. I hope they make you think, I pray they are useful to you as they are to me writing them.
   A few of my friends have started blogs recently, Cassidy (infamous on here by now) put this poem on her blog a few days ago and checking up on her posts tonight I read it and felt as though Rudyard was talking to me. 
   I know I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me but it helps to have friends supporting me too, so thank you.

If.   
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
’ Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And - which is more - you’ll be a Man, my son!

                                                        — Rudyard Kipling

Hold on when you feel like letting go.

   A passage I have always loved is "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep," but what happens when people do those things at the same time?

   When Mum passed away, we did not mourn as others mourned. We had Faith that she was not gone, she just relocated, and we will see her again. Our anticipatory grieving had our hearts and minds unravelling for years, but we rejoiced in our hope and in knowing she was no longer suffering. Confusion was particularly prominent the weeks surrounding her death. Last year Dad, Shanae and I celebrated Christmas. We already knew it was going to be different last year with Aubrey and Sara being away on their honeymoon, but without Mum as well, it was quite an awful occasion. We went through the motions, and I clung to our childhood traditions, trying to clasp an essence of festive normality.
   I am reminded of Mum's absence every day and special occasions are times when we would all definitely be together. So whilst preparing for our annual get together, as well as rejoicing with those who rejoice at this time, we will mourn with others who mourn. Like every day, it will be hard. Because I now understand this more, I am aware of others close to me who are struggling this month, and would like to make you aware of them also to keep them in thoughts and prayers.
  
   One of my school friends passed away recently, and I am reminded of another school friend who's brother was found drowned in a river about two years ago.
   We have family friends are going through tough times with the Mother having been diagnosed with terminal cancer in the summer.
   Other friends have just had twins, both in and out of ICU at just a month old today, whilst also caring for their other two children at home.
   Another of my friends feels she can't celebrate Christmas this year, it wouldn't feel right without her Grandfather around; whilst another friend's family will try and celebrate Christmas even though their Mother decided to leave them a few months ago.
   A guy I know is having to face the possibility of getting a prosthetic foot for Christmas this year, he's in constant agonising pain with it but uses his situation to encourage others around him in hospital. A true fighter.
   I read an article about a couple who know their baby is going to die soon after the birth at Christmas. They will have spent just over 9 months with their daughter, the majority of it without seeing what she looks like.
   These are just a few of the situations I am aware of, there are several more I haven't mentioned, including things on the news, and I know you know hundreds more. Whilst some may wish to forget their troubles and anxieties at Christmas time others can not, and must soldier on, knowing they won't have a normal, happy Christmas this year - and maybe not ever again.

   Santa's Grottos, bright lights, red hats and rosy smiling faces, the Christmas hustle and bustle is something which can not easily be escaped for those who may wish to dodge it this year. For those worrying about things other than matching Christmas crackers, well-wrapped gifts, uneven window lights and misspelled greetings cards, my heart goes out to you. I pray that you find a peace in the chaos of the season, I hope you find a joy in today just like any other day and I wish you all the best in whatever you find yourself doing this month.

If you are wanting to do something to help those perhaps not looking forward to the holiday season because they aren't able to celebrate, Shelter and Operation Christmas Child are two great charities which you can look into and maybe even help them along in their quest to spread the love.

Travel Journal #1

   Hello Readers! 

Of course you've been dying to know what shenannegans I have played part in on this wonderful continent, and you shall find out all right here. I blogged the day after our arrival across the pond and if you missed it, you can read about the journey here:

http://thoughtsofshellymarie.blogspot.com/2012/09/safely-arrival-across-pond.html
Otherwise, the rest of this post will take the form of a Travel Journal, as well as future travel updates. Enjoy!

     Tuesday 18th September 

London - Chicago - Nashville - Gallatin

     Wednesday 19th September

Woke up to a beautiful poolside sight. Sat in the glorious heat for a bit, went to the church building to pick up the projector for presentations. Anna May made me a pitcher of sweet tea! Evening service at Bill and Anna May's congregation.

     Thursday 20th September

Late start, went shopping for some cowboy boots for me - no success. Looked round the Opryland Hotel, where we took lots of pictures and rode round the river on the wee boat. Went to TNT (Church youth group) with Will, beat him in pool :P then we got sweet tea from MacDonald's - Only in the South.. He then taught me how to drive in a parking lot! Introduced him to some decent British music and chatted for hours. Great times.

     Friday 21st September

Sunbathed! Something we don't get to do properly in Scotland... Dad went to see Ian Starrs for lunch and Gina came over with the boys, we chatted by the pool (as you do) then got stuff sorted for a big family meal.
   The children and grandchildren of the couple we're staying with all came over - The Carnes' (Jeff and Annette, Will and Clay), the Anderson's (Reid and Sheila, Ivieann and Allie) and the Butterfield's (Keith and Gina, Steven, David, Jonathan and Matthew). 

   Jeff brought over his guitar and after we ate we set up a bonfire and I played and sang for a bit. Lovely stuff. Then Clay, his friend Nick, Will and I drove to 'the ridge' to see the city lights at night, then casually on up to Kentucky and back. Just for a ride, so I've now been to Kentucky! Got malts from Sonic. So good.

     Saturday 22nd September

Went to Allie's softball game in the morning, she's quite the wee pitcher and her team won 12-2 so they're pretty good! Got cowboy boots!! On sale, twice over, good deal. 
Went quad biking, or 'four-wheeling' and had a bit of an accident... But I'm fine! Wasn't THAT bad of an accident, but I've got a few bruises I'll recover from easily and I bust my lip open, and they know lots of people who repair bikes... On top of that I got stung twice by a wasp, for the first time. I'm not allergic - thankfully. 

Then we went to the Grand Ole Opry (after me putting on lots of make up to cover the bruise developing on my cheek..) in Nashville - the show that made country music famous! Also the oldest show streamed on live radio - so there was an announcer who read out sponsor's advertisements which added greatly to the comedy factor. The show is a must if you're ever near Nashville, the line up changes frequently. We saw: John Conlee, Eden's Edge, Connie Smith, Mke Snider, Andy Gibson, Exile, Jean Shepherd, Jesse McReynolds, Opry Square Dancers, Riders In The Sky, Jimmy C. Newman and Lee Greenwood. Jolly Good times. 

     Sunday 23rd September

Wore my new boots to church! Exciting stuff. Had pot luck lunch with the congregation and a few people had heard me sing in the service and wanted to sing more with me so a small group of us sat on the pews and sang for about half an hour, was lovely. Some of the folk were heading to a nursing home to sing some more, so we went with them. Will and I went to Sonic after that, drove round for a bit and hung out with Clay before going to the evening service at their church. Went for dinner with Will, Clay, Nick, Caleb and his sister (church friends) at O'Charlie's then got ice cream at Baskin and Robinson's! Back to Bill and Anna May's where Clay proceeded to give Dad an hour long crash course on American football, so we're both quite clued up on the game now! 

     Monday 24th September

Up early to have breakfast with Anna May and Will. Got ready, did washing, edited photos from Saturday. Went to Walmart after lunch, got a cute maxi dress for $9! And some pj things for me, Shanae and Sara :] also some snacks for the journey tomorrow - Root Beer, Dr P, Gatorade, Ritz, Oreos and mini Snickers. Had dinner at Chilli's with Bill and Anna May, Annette, Dad, Will and Clay, then went to their church service - Can I get an Aaamen'ah. Went bowling with Caleb and Will, and I lost APPAULINGLY. Dang it. 

     Tuesday 25th September

Today I slept in, got up at about 8.30. Annette came over with Reid for lunch, we had roast ham and veg with rice, brownies and ice cream for pudding - feast! Nom. Dad and I left at about 1.30 for Henderson. Beata and Alex (children of Blackwelder's) contacted us to ask if I wanted to go with them to volunteer at a ranch which charitably, in association with a children's disability clinic, hosts sessions with physical therapists to take children round on horses  doing various activities with them whilst they practice their balance and use different muscle groups in positions on the horses. I said of course, so we met with them, and they showed me their own horses and goat and dogs before taking me to the ranch. 

It was really fun, Beata led the horse in '8' shapes, in circles and such whilst the therapist interacted with the child on the horse, Alex and I holding onto the harness to keep him steady as we went along. It was a really good experience and the wee man did so well, when we told him to kneel on the horse he went straight and stood up, clearly having seen others do it before and just thought -nope, not messing about with that, just go straight to it! Brilliant. I'll definitely look into doing it somewhere in the UK... 

   After that we went to Sonic and I got a burger and a shake nom nom nom. Then Alex drove me to Steve and Marie's. Here now, Marie and I got talking about University and English things, was lovely. Leaving for chapel tomorrow at 10 then lunch then skadoosh to Searcy! 

Moving on... or not.

   Today marks 11 months to the day of Mum's death. I don't think I remember a more challenging, interesting and crucial time of my life. So much has happened, and I have the feeling that this will not stop. 
   When I was younger I would hear older people tell me how life 'passes you by' and how getting older only makes it 'go' faster. You never believe it until it happens to you, and over this year I am beginning to realise just how fast time can 'go'. 
   I am sad that I have experienced so much recently and not had Mum to talk to about it. My relationships with those around me have changed so much, many are now the strongest they have ever been. There is a phrase 'when the going gets tough the tough get going' but I would like to challenge this. I think that going isn't necessarily the answer. How about staying instead? I understand that in the phrase going refers to doing, rather than calling it quits. And I do agree with this. But in some cases we can use the phrase to justify carrying our problems with us rather than resolving them. I love resolve. It is the reason I love films - good films - TV dramas and books, because although so much happens during the story at the end of it there is a redemption, a resolve. 
   Growing up I could never sleep on an argument. I remember so clearly trying to get to sleep after having had an adolescent tiff with Mum and not being able to settle. I remember at 3am going in to wake Mum up and tell her I was sorry, and that I loved her, and going straight back to bed. I am useless when it comes to holding a grudge. I don't see the point, no good can come from it because nothing is solved by it.
   This being said when I hear the phrase 'when the going gets tough the tough get going' I am reminded that sometimes staying is the right thing to do, sometimes understanding and accepting is the right amount of 'get up and go'. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm scared at how much time has passed without Mum already and I want to stop going to try and retain a little sanity in knowing she isn't that far behind. But I can not stop time, if I could, I probably would - and that isn't the best advice. 
   This month ahead of me brings the last in a first year of Weddings, Birthdays and Christmases celebrated without her. After this landmark it will be considered 'normal' to be without her, so sue me if I would like it to last a little bit longer.

I Am.

I stumbled across this poem last night that I had saved on my computer. I had it written in a 'Stickie' note (Mac users will understand) and it was open so that when I clicked on the program, it came up on my screen. Useful stuff. I read it for the first time in a long time and it made me think, as so often interesting things do. It is a wonderful reminder not to dwell on past mistakes, not to worry about uncertain plans and to just trust Him here and now.

I am
I was regretting the past and fearing the future.
Suddenly, my Lord was speaking:
"My name is I am." He paused.
I waited. He continued,
"When you live in the past
with its mistakes and regrets,
it is hard. I am not there.
My name is not I was.
When you live in the future,
with all it’s problems and fears,
it’s hard. I am not there.
My name is not I will be.
When you live in this moment
it is not hard. I am here
my name is I am."
      - Helen Mallicoat

God is 'I Am', He says in Exodus 3:14 "I am who I Am." he also says "I am with you always, even to the end of the age" Matthew 28:20. God IS. And He is with us. The poem is also about recognising that He is and we are in the present. We cannot change the past and we cannot control the future, but He is ultimately with us through everything. I searched for similar poems titled 'I am' and found one I particularly liked which I changed to suit me specifically. I think sometimes it is good to realise who we are and what we mean to others. It can be too easy to doubt yourself and question your worth or purpose in the world. Looking at how far you've already come can be an encouragement to make you see that you have so much to be thankful for, and that you are already surrounded by people to support you.

   Whoever you are, you are loved. Whatever bad you've done, you can be forgiven. Wherever you're going, there will be support for you. That is all.

   'Wherever you will go' by The Calling - Listen to it.

I am a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend. I am a student, a young girl and a grown woman. I am confident and scared, terrified an excited. I am loving and caring, and thoughtful and hopeful. I am sick and tired. I am shy and friendly, and careful and careless. I am broken and whole. I am hard working and determined but a little scared on the inside. I wish on the stars and dream my dreams. I pray to God and cry my tears. I smile on the outside, while I’m dying inside. I listen to others who won’t listen to me. I walk on eggshells, and I walk amidst the fire. I believe in true love and undying passion. I believe in something better than myself. I believe in You.

When one door closes, another one opens.

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” - Ben Okri

   I moved to Dundee in the summer of 2010 already knowing a lot of people living here. Some in the congregation I was familiar with I had known since I was about 5, some had met me further down my journey of life, and there were of course the friends-to-be.

   I met Jayne in this time, she was 23, had been married for 3 years, and we just clicked. Our friendship grew strong and fast particularly from the summer of 2011, so strong that September 2011 when Mum passed, she said she’d have hopped the very next train to Peterborough to be by my side and help me through it all if I had wanted. We have shared our life stories, confided in each other, laughed and cried together. 

   After Mum’s funeral in October I came back to Dundee and on our first get together after the funeral Jayne sat me down and giddily said she had some big news. I waited a few moments in suspense and she said, almost whispered, to me that she was pregnant - I was ecstatic. We threw our arms around each other and shed a few tears of joy, basking in the wonderful idea of this new baby appearing into this world. She admitted shortly after that she was unsure whether she should mention it so soon after Mum passing, but in all honesty I was thrilled. Relieved. 

   I realised that I was witnessing what is commonly referred to as the Circle of Life. Mum had lived and she died, and here was a new creation of life, right before me. I felt a hope spread through my heart that calmed the longing ache, I was just beginning to understand that it is ok for something to end, because something else always begins at the same time. It is this which initially inspired the line in my poem (posted earlier on): Yet that which we create and resolving not to hate, make the pain and the suffering more dim. 

Welcome to the world Eli Daniel Duncan!

   Similar reflections have come over me throughout these past few months, involving my relationships with those around me. Whilst it is not always good when a relationships ends, it is also often unavoidable. When doors like these close it can open up opportunities to evaluate your time spent with that person, the changes you have made and things you have gone through in that time - in the hope of improving yourself and other relationships you have in the future. I have been through some big changes in my relationships in the past few months, especially noticeable due to my situation and recent struggles. It is crazy that sometimes it is those which you least expect that step up to the plate - and in other cases it is the other way around. I have had to learn to live with some disappointments, a valuable life lesson for anybody, and also be the instigator myself, for my own good. 

   Sometimes going to someone for help and support is harder than just accepting it, but it is also so often necessary if people don’t know what you need.

As a Christian I try to remember to lean on God, though human reassurance can often have a more instant gratification and I rely on people instead of Him. On Sunday it was told that C. S. Lewis had said that by reaching out your hands to others you forget that God was there, loving you from the first. This is certainly something I am working on, and will continue to work on for the rest of my life.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified [...], for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 32:6