I want to be honest in this blog, as I have been so far. The reason I haven't written anything in so long I think is because I don't know what to say. Not because there's nothing to say, more because I'm not sure what to share and what to hold back because I don't know how people will react to my thoughts. I've guess been having some trust issues recently and it's seeping into every aspect of my life.
As I said in my last post, this year has been difficult. I keep being faced with weird situations, I feel like I'm constantly confronted with things that test my patience, integrity and make me question my faith.
Yes, I said I question my faith.
Whilst some people may read that and instantly understand what I mean, I still feel like admitting it is taboo. I could imagine some people raising their eyebrows at me as though I just admitted to joining a coven instead of going to church. But, honestly, I don't care.
I think taboo subjects are the ones we should talk about. Death, for instance. I had so many encouraging messages from people when I opened up about my experiences with Death saying they went through similar things and had similar thoughts, and it was good to know they weren't alone in that. I will be so surprised if my experiences with this don't also ring true for you in some respect.
Don't get me wrong on this either. I'm not saying I'm an atheist, I'm not saying that I don't believe God exists, I've actually not said anything about what I mean yet by me having confrontation with my faith. Mainly because I'm not really sure what's going on in my head and my heart. Recently there's been a massive change in my life and my heart feels heavy a lot of the time. It happened just after losing my job and I was encouraged to travel for a bit before getting back into a working routine. So I went home, visited friends (even modelled for one of them in a photo shoot), went to London, and am currently in Brussels.
I felt as though I needed to run away, to be on my own, to 'find myself' rather than physically confront my issues. I always laughed when people said they needed to 'find' themselves because, you know, they're right in front of you saying that pretentious crap. But I slap my wrist for it now because honestly, I don't know who I am. I'm trying this thing where I put myself first and actually think about what I like, what I want to do, where I want to go, and who I want to be around. I was brought up believing that Joy was putting Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last. I still believe that (or do I just think that I should?) I'm just not sure we should do it before we figure out how to actually put ourselves anywhere.
I felt as though I needed to run away, to be on my own, to 'find myself' rather than physically confront my issues. I always laughed when people said they needed to 'find' themselves because, you know, they're right in front of you saying that pretentious crap. But I slap my wrist for it now because honestly, I don't know who I am. I'm trying this thing where I put myself first and actually think about what I like, what I want to do, where I want to go, and who I want to be around. I was brought up believing that Joy was putting Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last. I still believe that (or do I just think that I should?) I'm just not sure we should do it before we figure out how to actually put ourselves anywhere.
My relationships got to a point where I would put myself in compromising situations to satisfy the needs of others. The first rule of care is that you can't care for someone without first taking care of yourself. You're told to put your oxygen mask on before your children's - what if you pass out helping your first two and your third child suffocates because you didn't make sure you could breathe?
It is way too easy to get caught up in rhythms of sociality - especially within the church. We are told to live in the world and not be of the world, but I don't think I've really been living in the world. I mean, I've been here, but I don't even really know where here is. I have little conviction in what I do, even my writing is riddled with adverbs of probability because I just. don't. know.
A friend of mine asks me questions. Questions that all lead down to simply 'So, what brings you here?' Here meaning this point in my life, the thoughts that I have, the feelings I experience, and the things that I do because of them. Socrates said 'To find yourself, think for yourself.' My friend reads a lot of philosophy. I studied some philosophy at Uni and got intensely frustrated because it all seemed so unresolved and open-ended. I now see that of course it is unresolved because philosophy is thinking. Due to its very nature it never ends, never stands still. And now, I'm ok with that. I believe in a God who is unchanging enough for the both of us, I'm just trying to figure out what that actually means for me, and where it will take me next.
Go read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.
And listen to this.
