Simple truths for a complex world.

I find the simplest of truths to be the most useful, so I shall share a few with you that I have discovered or been told in my life so far...

 

#1   Retain your integrity.

My Father, the wise man he is, always gives me good advice. Above all that he has taught me there is one thing that I am reminded of when stuck in a situation not knowing what to do. He told me no matter what I do, retain my integrity and not much can go wrong. That means that if I am blameless - don't retaliate, don't gossip, don't stir the peace, don't talk back, don't lie - then anything I do do should be OK. 

 

#2   Don't find someone you can live with, find someone you can't live without.

My Mother had always compared me to her Aunty Ann, mannerisms wise, and I hadn't even met her until Easter 2010. Sitting in my 2nd cousin's flat (Nina) with the two of them, my Mum and Aunty, Ann thought it would be a good idea to go round the circle and give me a bit of womanly wisdom - from their years of experience. Ann told me to never settle in love, to find that person I can't live without and hold onto them forever. My Mum told me:

#3   Follow your heart but lead with your head.

<3 She was a passionate woman, so strong, so kind and so generous. She followed her heart when she married my Dad and moved to England, and with Christ in her heart she continued His works above and beyond what many are capable of. She followed her heart, but never forgot to be smart about it.

 

#4   Stop wishing for more when you already have enough.

It frustrates me when people complain that they can't do this because they don't have this. Or they want to do this but need this first. I understand the importance of planning, but there is a greater importance in being resourceful, creative and learning to be content. Life may have it that you never get what you think you need - then what? Learning to 'make do' can be a humbling task but it is sometimes necessary to make your bigger dreams come true.

#5   Count your blessings.

It also frustrates me when people feel sorry for themselves because things aren't going their way. This may sound heartless, but hear me out. If anyone says 'no one loves me' or 'no one wants to talk to me' then they are clearly not looking very far. If no one else is willing - then I am. I love you. And I don't even necessarily know you. I know what it feels like to be lonely and feel as though you're alone - they are different - I don't wish it on anyone, so if a bigger heart is what it takes then I'm willing to accommodate. Also, if things aren't going your way - welcome to the club. Before you start listing things that have gone wrong be thankful that you have so many good things that can go wrong, be thankful that you have the time in the day to reflect, be thankful that you have a sane mind to consider your short comings, be thankful you have friends willing to listen, be thankful you have life left to waste it complaining. (I realise my irony, and I am thankful.)

There are many more which don't come to mind but be sure I'll add them in as the come back. Until then here are a few more encouraging pictures and sentiments which will hopefully make you think, smile and maybe even chuckle a little...

 For the girls...

Moving on... or not.

   Today marks 11 months to the day of Mum's death. I don't think I remember a more challenging, interesting and crucial time of my life. So much has happened, and I have the feeling that this will not stop. 
   When I was younger I would hear older people tell me how life 'passes you by' and how getting older only makes it 'go' faster. You never believe it until it happens to you, and over this year I am beginning to realise just how fast time can 'go'. 
   I am sad that I have experienced so much recently and not had Mum to talk to about it. My relationships with those around me have changed so much, many are now the strongest they have ever been. There is a phrase 'when the going gets tough the tough get going' but I would like to challenge this. I think that going isn't necessarily the answer. How about staying instead? I understand that in the phrase going refers to doing, rather than calling it quits. And I do agree with this. But in some cases we can use the phrase to justify carrying our problems with us rather than resolving them. I love resolve. It is the reason I love films - good films - TV dramas and books, because although so much happens during the story at the end of it there is a redemption, a resolve. 
   Growing up I could never sleep on an argument. I remember so clearly trying to get to sleep after having had an adolescent tiff with Mum and not being able to settle. I remember at 3am going in to wake Mum up and tell her I was sorry, and that I loved her, and going straight back to bed. I am useless when it comes to holding a grudge. I don't see the point, no good can come from it because nothing is solved by it.
   This being said when I hear the phrase 'when the going gets tough the tough get going' I am reminded that sometimes staying is the right thing to do, sometimes understanding and accepting is the right amount of 'get up and go'. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm scared at how much time has passed without Mum already and I want to stop going to try and retain a little sanity in knowing she isn't that far behind. But I can not stop time, if I could, I probably would - and that isn't the best advice. 
   This month ahead of me brings the last in a first year of Weddings, Birthdays and Christmases celebrated without her. After this landmark it will be considered 'normal' to be without her, so sue me if I would like it to last a little bit longer.

RE: Peace, Perfect Peace

As I have finished my studies for the year I no longer feel the 'impending doom' pressure and hence have no need for procrastination... In saying this, my journey now is one of self assurance and discovery - not in the middle-class cheesy 'I'm finding myself' way, I know where I am, I'm here. What I seek is much bigger than myself, it is as big as humanity as a whole. What I want to find (and have been successful already) are life lessons, to share, putting my own bit in about my personal experiences as well.
   One of my friends Sophia has started a blog and upon reading her entry 'Sincerely Sophia: Dear Peace, Perfect Peace' I was inspired. It reminds me of a familiar feeling I have had over my short life so far and also of a poem I wrote a few years ago. When I started reading the post I totally agreed with everything she was saying - talking about the thrill of the chase in life, and the restlessness which can come once said goal is reached, be it to a romantic, educational, personal or professional end.
   A passion of mine, where my 'thrill of the chase' is categorised, is in passion itself. I am a passionate person. I love music. I love art. I love literature. I love being right. I love making others feel good. I love others making me feel good. I love people. There is nothing wrong with any of these things. I enjoy accomplishing something, fixing a problem or solving a puzzle. But what happens when it is got, fixed, solved? Do we take it and shove it to the side, move on to the next thing? Do we grumble at how easy it was and how fast it went, even whilst we had been trying in the first place we were frustrated at how hard it made us work? A lot of the time, yes, we do.
   Over these past 11 months - yes, it HAS almost been that long - I have learned to appreciate everything. The dreaming, hoping, praying, planning, starting, failing, trying again.. This is what most of our lives will consist of; working 9-5, 5/7 to get something to do something else, and it can be thrilling, challenging, fulfilling. But when something ends because it is finished, it is beautiful. God rested on the seventh day, looked at what He had done, and saw it was very good. Shouldn't we take the time to do the same? Even when the time for something comes to an end and we think it wasn't time because it wasn't perfect, we weren't finished, it was not complete; think of what you are actually left with, and be thankful for that.

   I am trying to cover such a vast array of subjects by saying 'something', as I think so many can apply in this situation. I think about school projects which I remember working away to complete into the small hours of the morning, handing them in not quite finished but I know I had tried my best. I think about holidays which are always more exciting to look forward to but I am left with wonderful memories to look back on when they are over. I think about relationships which didn't work out, but see how we each grew from them for the future. I think about those who's time was cut short on this earth and marvel at the works they did when they were here. It is not always up to us to decide when something starts or finishes. We are made in God's image so we have a natural urge to want to create and control, but this also means we are made to appreciate the perfect peace, the calm after the storm, so we need to let ourselves do so.

   Since my Mother passed away last September I have been in a kind of limbo where I have tried to figure out what should happen next. I have no answer for you there, nor for myself. The only thing I can think of to do is to keep going - whatever that means. I did not decide to write a book or this blog, it just kind of happened and it gave me an escape and a way to think about things, so I went with it. 

   I am realising now that I immediately started looking ahead, I didn't give myself time to appreciate what had been. I don't know the whole of my Mother's life story, I don't know what her favourite book was. I don't know what hopes and dreams she had growing up, I don't know what her bucket list consisted of... But I do know who she was, what she did and how she loved, and they are the most important things. I will find out everything as time goes on, I will give myself time to be sad in missing her, and I will make the time to reminisce with my family and friends about her for the rest of my life.

   With today's advanced technology and our familiarity with instant gratification the idea of 'meditation' can seem like such an effort, and for what? In reality, if we don't give ourselves time to process what has been we can't possibly be ready to indulge into new challenges because we wouldn't have really learned anything.
   So... give yourself a break -have a Kitkat, or a Snickers or Dairy Milk, whatever. Think about what you have accomplished in your life, be proud of what you can be, and learn from that which you would change. Remember, appreciate and enjoy; catch a glimpse of that perfect peace which will help keep you afloat when all around you feels chaotic. We can only ever do our best, but we must always make sure that it is our best. 

It's the thought that counts.

I have been blessed to know so many people so much better than I did before I had an experience of Death. I feel kind of like Harry Potter did, in J.K. Rowling's 5th book of the series Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, when he realised the carriages which annually took them from the train station to the school were actually pulled by Thestrals, a magical, skeletal horse creature who are invisible except to those who have "seen death".

Harry Potter: "What are they?"

Luna Lovegood: "They're called Thestrals. They're quite gentle, really... But people avoid them because they're a bit..."

Harry Potter: "Different. But why can't the others see them?"

Luna Lovegood: "They can only be seen by people who've seen death." 

No matter your opinion of the book, or author, Rowling makes a decent comparison with society and social interaction. That is that it is hard to understand that which has not yet been experienced. This is true of everything, but especially when it comes to Death, because everyone is different. It is also all the more true about Death because it is the one thing that EVERYONE has in common and speaks most little about. I am aware that the reasons for this vary from indifference to terror, but the inevitability of such a thing should make it the one thing to be most clear about in life. One of the main reasons for me writing this book (and blog) is so that people can be encouraged to talk about the real things.

   One of the good things that has come from my family's tragedy is that I have had so many amazing conversations with all sorts of people about family, life, death, spirituality, and God, that I maybe wouldn't have had the chance to before having similar experiences myself. My aim is to write so that someone else can start a conversation about death or another of life's challenges in order that we may grow together and no longer be afraid. Ambitious, I know.
 There is nothing worse in a social situation than awkwardness. Whether situations are good or bad, as long as those involved are on the same page, you know what to do. When people have differing ideas of what's going on or what should be done - that is when real problems arise. This is one of the main issues when it comes to grieving, between those who are directly affected and those with whom they come into contact with.

   From my experience (and I can only speak for myself here) I've realised that I don't care what people say, as long as they're honest. One of my favourite passages of scripture is Romans 12:9 which says "Let love be genuine". I'm sure I've quoted it before but - as I will write about later - we always need reminded of the important things. I could (and will at some point) sit and write down some interesting situations I've been put into over these past months - or years even - when people have struggled with what to say to me when they find out my Mother is in a wheelchair, chronically ill, or dead. I have been hurt, humoured and honoured by people's words. I have always believed that words can often affect more than actions, they can touch your heart or break it, for they are representations of people's truths. By that I mean that the words which you use represent your emotion, your feeling, your motive, your love. It is for this reason that there are no right words to say, to a grieving Widower or a bereaved child, except that there are words said, and that they are genuine. The thing that matters most is showing the person that you care, which is why silly words are better than none at all - saying 'I don't know what to say' is always better than avoidance. I don't even know what to say when it comes to comforting someone in grief, and I'm trying to write a book on it!
   The point of all of this is that we should learn from each other, as I expressed in my last post ("I've learned that..."), and we should stop being afraid of each other. Honesty is the best policy and, to me at least, it's the thought that counts when it comes to saying the 'right thing'.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

Life is ever changing, ever challenging; but God is my constant, my consultant and always my comforter.

   Psalm 102:27 "But you are the same, and your years have no end."

I once had a long talk with someone who said they could not believe in a God who did not change his law to accommodate for today's society. I told them plainly that I could not believe in a God who did. People haven't changed, I am convinced of this. The struggles of man have not changed because the human heart has not changed, it is merely the circumstances within which these sins take place that has. If God changed his law it would not be fair to those who first followed, there would be no real standard to live up to. I digress from the point - God is everlasting, God is constant, because we need him to be.

   'Things' don't get easier. I believe this; I believe that we just become better at dealing with them. As much as I would like to be in a comfortable position in relation to my relationships, studies, work, dreams, I am not. But, as always, I find myself learning to thank God for all that has been, is and will be, and to evaluate myself and the roles I play in my life.

   A passage (that was a memory verse at Camp Tayside this year) reminds me of the place of serenity, joy and peace that I hope to achieve within my life.

^"12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

            Philippians 4:12-13

This next bit is on a poster in the office of the house I'm living in and it speaks volumes compared to what I could say on here, on the realities of life lessons.

The World is our Classroom

I’ve learned that most of the things I worry about never happened. -age 64

I’ve learned that every great achievement was once considered impossible. -age 47

I’ve learned that you can’t hide a broccoli in a glass of milk. -age 7

I’ve learned that if there were no problems, there would be no opportunities. -age 19

I’ve learned that it doesn’t cost anything to be nice. -age 66

I’ve learned that the important thing is me. -age 38

I’ve learned that even the simplest task can be meaningful if I do it in the right spirit. -age 72

I’ve learned that in every face-to-face encounter, regardless of how brief, we leave something behind. -age 45

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. -age 66

I’ve learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate, it looks as if you ate more. -age 6

I’ve learned that regardless of colour or age, we all need about the same amount of love. -age 37

I’ve learned that education, experience, and memories are three things that no one can take away from you. -age 67

I’ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. -age 50

I’ve learned that the simple things are often the most satisfying. -age 63

I’ve learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering up someone else. -age 13

I’ve learned that successful living is like playing the violin – it must be practices daily. -age 70

I’ve learned that I’ve learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out of your nose. -age 7

I’ve learned that a sunroof is worth the extra cost. -age 29

I’ve learned that optimists live longer than pessimists. That’s why I’m an optimist. -age 84

I’ve learned that happiness is like perfume; you can’t give it away without getting a little on yourself. -age 59

I’ve learned that when someone hurts your feelings, it’s unimportant unless you persist in remembering it. -age 68

I’ve learned that that there’s no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs. -age 48

I’ve learned that if you smile at people, they will almost always smile back. -age 81

I’ve learned that homemade Toll House cookies should be eaten while still warm. -age 29

I’ve learned that we grow only when we push ourselves beyond what we already know. -age 53

I’ve learned never to underestimate the potential and power of the human spirit. -age 82

I’ve learned that everyone has something to teach. -age 51

I Am.

I stumbled across this poem last night that I had saved on my computer. I had it written in a 'Stickie' note (Mac users will understand) and it was open so that when I clicked on the program, it came up on my screen. Useful stuff. I read it for the first time in a long time and it made me think, as so often interesting things do. It is a wonderful reminder not to dwell on past mistakes, not to worry about uncertain plans and to just trust Him here and now.

I am
I was regretting the past and fearing the future.
Suddenly, my Lord was speaking:
"My name is I am." He paused.
I waited. He continued,
"When you live in the past
with its mistakes and regrets,
it is hard. I am not there.
My name is not I was.
When you live in the future,
with all it’s problems and fears,
it’s hard. I am not there.
My name is not I will be.
When you live in this moment
it is not hard. I am here
my name is I am."
      - Helen Mallicoat

God is 'I Am', He says in Exodus 3:14 "I am who I Am." he also says "I am with you always, even to the end of the age" Matthew 28:20. God IS. And He is with us. The poem is also about recognising that He is and we are in the present. We cannot change the past and we cannot control the future, but He is ultimately with us through everything. I searched for similar poems titled 'I am' and found one I particularly liked which I changed to suit me specifically. I think sometimes it is good to realise who we are and what we mean to others. It can be too easy to doubt yourself and question your worth or purpose in the world. Looking at how far you've already come can be an encouragement to make you see that you have so much to be thankful for, and that you are already surrounded by people to support you.

   Whoever you are, you are loved. Whatever bad you've done, you can be forgiven. Wherever you're going, there will be support for you. That is all.

   'Wherever you will go' by The Calling - Listen to it.

I am a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend. I am a student, a young girl and a grown woman. I am confident and scared, terrified an excited. I am loving and caring, and thoughtful and hopeful. I am sick and tired. I am shy and friendly, and careful and careless. I am broken and whole. I am hard working and determined but a little scared on the inside. I wish on the stars and dream my dreams. I pray to God and cry my tears. I smile on the outside, while I’m dying inside. I listen to others who won’t listen to me. I walk on eggshells, and I walk amidst the fire. I believe in true love and undying passion. I believe in something better than myself. I believe in You.

One's friends are that part of the human race with which one can be human. - George Santayana

   Recently I’ve met a lot of amazing people. For my whole life actually I have been blessed to meet amazing people from all sorts of places, and in doing so I have had some really interesting conversations. Most of these conversations happen spontaneously, and they are always the most valuable. When people are in need they open up. This is textbook for what I am doing here - I feel like my heart is on display in this book and blog but I’m OK with it. I have a need for people, I was made needing people, we are not meant to be alone. Especially for this reason, when someone leaves us for good it is heart breaking, because you can never prepare for that kind of emptiness. Nothing can ever fully fill it either, but loving more certainly helps.

    Last week I was in Glasgow spending time with friends and helping out a little at a Christian Day Camp the church had going on. I love visiting places and people, especially those so closely associated with my childhood - which this church and these people were. I met a girl who has ‘old woman’ tendencies like me (knitting, baking, tea…)! I had an insightfully deep conversation with a guy who was just a friend of a friend - and you might hear more on him later… A few friends and I went to see a fellow Christian in Hospital and got to sing 4 part harmonies in a beautiful chapel to raise his spirits, and I’ve gotten to know someone else who really needed to know that ‘they’re worth it’. The week before that I was travelling up from Brussels and the train was cancelled in Newcastle due to the landslides in Berwick. I got to Dundee the next day via Edinburgh but to get there I joined an impromptu travel group with 15 others and got a taxi. Of course I met some interesting characters, some of which I hope to stay in contact with; next to me on the train was an older man who in his retirement had just come back from a ship to the Arctic - he gives lectures about historical wars on cruise ships. He says he has never seen so much of the world, nor been so happily engrossed in his passion. Makes me wonder what I’ll be doing at 70! Never giving up, that’s for sure.


   I find people fascinating. I used to be so shy when it came to new people, I would be silent and hide behind my Mum or nervously laugh at jokes I didn’t get just to be a part of the crowd. Once I was on a one-to-one basis with a person I was more at ease, and for the most part this is still true. I find it hard not to tell someone my life story, and I find it hard not to ask ’20 questions’ when getting to know someone. I love people. Everyone is interesting, especially if they don’t think so themselves. The reason I love people so much, why I can and enjoy talking in depth with people is because simply - we’re all the same. We all have insecurities and have made mistakes. None of us know exactly where we want to be for the rest of our lives, and no one has done everything they’ve ever wanted to. Everyone needs encouragement to reach for their dream, and some people need a kick just to figure out what that dream is. 

Romans 12: 9 - 10 “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” 

   I try always to genuinely love others, nothing is worse than finding out a friend is two-faced, or that someone was using you for their own gain. I think this verse is SO pivotal in life because it could be the answer to all our problems. If we only learned to love in a righteous manner, if we only learned to respect others, if we only learned to be truthful, if we only learned to hold fast to Him - what more good would we do in the world.
   I believe you can only really love someone if you know them. As has been mentioned several times in classes at church - God created us so that he could get to know us and love us, so that we could get to know and love Him through His creation. God wants a relationship with us, as He is the epitome of it Himself - the Father, the Son AND the Holy Spirit; as a man is a father, son and brother. (Another note from The Shack - read it people!) Jesus came so that we might know him: 

Isaiah 43:10 “‘You are my witnesses,’ declares the LORD, ‘and my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me.’”

John 17:3 “Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.”

   I find so much encouragement from getting to know others. It is fun and exciting to start new friendships, it broadens my mind and my heart at the same time, and I feel comforted in knowing there is someone smiling because of me.
   The next time you are somewhere new I implore you to talk to someone you don’t know. Think of 5 questions, silly or not, and ask them. For example - if you could only eat 3 types of food for the rest of your life, what would they be? For those of you curious enough - mine would be Veggie Pizza, Chocolate Hobnobs and Raspberry Sorbet! Yes, it a cheesy ice-breaker, but maybe some global warming would do the world some good.

Living on a prayer...

[28th June 2012]

I was just reading The Shack by William P. Young (2007) and there was a part that really struck me, especially since everything that I’ve been thinking about this past week. It’s about prayer, confession, honesty and trust. The passage is on page 106 from the middle to the end. It’s about Mack telling God about how He acts as if it’s the first time they’re hearing things when His children pray to Him, even though He knows everything already. It is explained that when you go to God, He lets you tell Him things from your perspective. As He did with Jesus, He limits Himself to have relationship with you, coming down to your level - as you would to a child joining in with a drawing. Whilst this may not be true at all it is an interesting idea. The idea that God limited Himself for the benefit of His creation, us, is astonishing. The idea that He lets us tell Him things from our perspective, is seriously thought provoking.

   I have been in Brussels for the past week I’ve had so much fun meeting new people, seeing new places, trying new things, and also enjoying doing nothing in particular somewhere just different from home - wherever that may be. 

   I have tried to get my head and heart clear, sorted out, because just when you think things are going to get easier they go crazy complicated on you. I tried to revamp myself and decide what I want, now I have the freedom to do anything job/volunteer/travel wise. The answers I’ve discovered? None. Other than I’m shorting myself if I think that I can’t do something; and I’m kidding myself on by thinking I’m OK. Yesterday was the 9 month mark of Mum’s death. 9 months. That’s 9 months too long, 9 months too empty, even though so much has happened since then.

   I find that if I talk to God, a lot of the time I say things like ‘you know how I feel’ or ‘you know what I want’. So many ‘you know’s but do I even know? I think I say ‘you know’ because He does know but maybe also to excuse me from saying what I really want, or telling Him how I really feel. I wonder if it’s because I don’t want to, or because I really don’t know myself.

   Maybe I think that if God already knows, I don’t have to confess certain things, I don’t have to figure out what I want myself. But what if God were there, waiting to hear what we think? Then we’d have to know, we’d have to say something, we’d have to share our lives with Him, we’d have to share ourselves with Him - as we promised when we were baptised. 

   God can only help me as much as I let Him, and that doesn’t necessarily mean I allow Him to make miracles or look out for a sign - what if, in fact, it means truly thinking about my faults, my iniquities, my weaknesses and figure out a way to battle them with His strength. Surely that makes more sense as a working relationship, rather than me praying ‘you know what I feel, you know what I need, you know what I want, Amen.’ Maybe God does know, but I’ll bet He’s waiting to hear it from me.

Home is where the Heart is...

   As I am taking a year out from my University studies, I am needing to live somewhere other than my student flat. A couple from church (Bernard and Shirley) kindly offered their home and I gladly accepted. When I was packing my stuff up to move it was so strange. I felt sad that I was leaving my flat but at the same time I was so happy. When I was at Bernard and Shirley’s unpacking and putting stuff away it was so much fun. I have my own room (their eldest daughter's old room) and so much space to put my things.

   I’m finding I can easily make a space my own. When I moved into the city flat I quickly took to hanging stuff up - posters, canvases, bunting, plaques, pictures; placing colour coding nicknacks, homely touches and candles about too… Anna was pleasantly surprised when she came back for term starting, I had made decent contribution to the flat, on top of her splash-out of 4 navy blue blankets for the sofas! It hasn’t always been easy for me to feel comfortable in new places, but I am definitely learning that home is where the heart is.

   Mum never saw my flat in Dundee and I think that makes it easier to move. Mum imagined me in a space depicted by photographs and I guess now she has seen where I lived, and where I will live in the future too. It is hard doing new things without being able to tell her all about it, but I know she knows everything now, and I will say more on this in posts to come. She will be happy that I am living in a caring home. A family home. A warm home.


   Moving reminded me of Christmas last year. The idea that ‘Home is where the Heart is’ was on my mind so prominently a few months ago, and it was frightening to feel that when the biggest heart is taken away, a place can cease to be homely. It was so hard at Christmas being home in Peterborough. There were times when I literally wanted to just up and leave, get away from the unfamiliar space. It suddenly felt so alien, without Mum. Our house in Peterborough is lovely, it is the only home I have ever known living with my whole family, for almost 20 years now. I grew up there, in it resides my childhood and my adolescence. So many memories. And up until the end of September, all with Mum. She loved the ‘Beautiful Homes’ magazines, going through the pictures of the different decors ‘ooh’ing and ‘ah’ing at the different furnishings or wall hangings. She loved to decorate the house, always had something else to do, which in her last years never got done for one reason or another. She was very much into crafts, making cards, painting plaques, knitting, the house is full of her creations, each with some loving or Christian message or cute picture. It was heart breaking to see her hand and character on display in every room, but not herself.
   The house felt empty. Even with Dad, my sister and myself, it just felt empty. Kind of cold. Abandoned. It was as if Mum had been there just seconds ago, organising something, putting papers in a specific place, set aside her knitting for a moment and forgotten, never gone back to it. Like when someone takes off their shoe and their footprint still remains, as was our home.

   I met a guy a few years ago, we were both far away from home. When trying to guess where he was from I couldn’t - his accent was a blend of many I’d heard before, as if he had been in many different places for a long time. It was interesting to learn he was a Londoner, but had been traveling across Asia for 6 months at the time.
   It got me thinking though, about where we come from and who we become. Does the person who you have become reflect your roots? Should it? If the answers to these questions are opposites, then change it. On this earth we appear in a place by chance, we are born into a country and a home not of our choice, what we do with the opportunities God gives us after this fact is our own to control. I have learned that family is not everything. LOVE is. It has been said that ‘friends are the family you chose’, but I would also add that family is the family you chose to love. My Mother and Father were always host to strangers visiting the congregation we were part of, some nights us children would sleep on the floor in a room to accommodate people in our beds. This is Family. Sharing yourself and what you have with others, leaning on each other, rejoicing with each other. If Home is where the Heart is then Family is where the LOVE is.

As a Christian I believe that God is LOVE. My Home is not an earthly one. The LOVE I seek is everlasting, given by the One from whom I cannot run.
   I am no longer afraid of going to new places, meeting new people. If I take LOVE with me, I cannot fear anything, I can only LOVE more.

By the way, I do love our house in Peterborough. It is my home away from Home; Our family’s little piece of heaven.

John 14 was the first part of scripture I ever really read and memorised. It was the first place I randomly opened in my Bible one day many years ago, and it has continued to strike a chord in my heart, being an encouragement for the eternal hope I have in Him.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going." [NLT, 1984]

When one door closes, another one opens.

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” - Ben Okri

   I moved to Dundee in the summer of 2010 already knowing a lot of people living here. Some in the congregation I was familiar with I had known since I was about 5, some had met me further down my journey of life, and there were of course the friends-to-be.

   I met Jayne in this time, she was 23, had been married for 3 years, and we just clicked. Our friendship grew strong and fast particularly from the summer of 2011, so strong that September 2011 when Mum passed, she said she’d have hopped the very next train to Peterborough to be by my side and help me through it all if I had wanted. We have shared our life stories, confided in each other, laughed and cried together. 

   After Mum’s funeral in October I came back to Dundee and on our first get together after the funeral Jayne sat me down and giddily said she had some big news. I waited a few moments in suspense and she said, almost whispered, to me that she was pregnant - I was ecstatic. We threw our arms around each other and shed a few tears of joy, basking in the wonderful idea of this new baby appearing into this world. She admitted shortly after that she was unsure whether she should mention it so soon after Mum passing, but in all honesty I was thrilled. Relieved. 

   I realised that I was witnessing what is commonly referred to as the Circle of Life. Mum had lived and she died, and here was a new creation of life, right before me. I felt a hope spread through my heart that calmed the longing ache, I was just beginning to understand that it is ok for something to end, because something else always begins at the same time. It is this which initially inspired the line in my poem (posted earlier on): Yet that which we create and resolving not to hate, make the pain and the suffering more dim. 

Welcome to the world Eli Daniel Duncan!

   Similar reflections have come over me throughout these past few months, involving my relationships with those around me. Whilst it is not always good when a relationships ends, it is also often unavoidable. When doors like these close it can open up opportunities to evaluate your time spent with that person, the changes you have made and things you have gone through in that time - in the hope of improving yourself and other relationships you have in the future. I have been through some big changes in my relationships in the past few months, especially noticeable due to my situation and recent struggles. It is crazy that sometimes it is those which you least expect that step up to the plate - and in other cases it is the other way around. I have had to learn to live with some disappointments, a valuable life lesson for anybody, and also be the instigator myself, for my own good. 

   Sometimes going to someone for help and support is harder than just accepting it, but it is also so often necessary if people don’t know what you need.

As a Christian I try to remember to lean on God, though human reassurance can often have a more instant gratification and I rely on people instead of Him. On Sunday it was told that C. S. Lewis had said that by reaching out your hands to others you forget that God was there, loving you from the first. This is certainly something I am working on, and will continue to work on for the rest of my life.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified [...], for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 32:6

Where there's a will there's a way...

In an episode of 'The Big Bang Theory' I just watched Sheldon - obsessive compulsive genius - wants to go to see the Hadron Collider in Switzerland with his friend Leonard in place of Leonard's girlfriend, Penny. In order to persuade Leonard to take him instead Sheldon directly confronts him several times, pleading his case. He tries to 'butter him up' with breakfast in bed and compliments, then he talks to Penny to plead his case for him. The point is that Sheldon wasn't going to give up on his childhood dream. 
    Another example of this same journey is, romantically, in 'A Walk To Remember' as popular but bad boy Landon Carter falls in love with Jamie Sullivan and wins her heart by becoming a Christian and literally making her bucket list a reality.
    The base line is: if you really want something, you will go to all sorts of lengths to get it. 
The trick is to never give up.


    When God has other plans, however, there seems to be nothing one can do. When it was evident that Mum wouldn't have much time left I was confused. How could this be God's plan? I was angry that he would dare take away such a loving, perfect human being. For what? What good could possibly come from an absence of such good? It didn't make sense. It still doesn't make sense. I couldn't accept that this was what God wanted, yet her passing seemed to be inevitable. I struggled to pray. So many had said they would pray for her to get better, pray for healing and to be honest neither were likely nor were they necessarily the best thing for her. Even if she had recovered fully physically, she would have suffered traumatically, and would have had to go through the same thing again, just later in life.


    In a coincidentally relevant Bible study, before we were rushed down to Papworth in September, we discussed whether things that happen are or are not in God's plan. We then talked about God's will for his people and whether everything that happens is condoned by God. Without thinking one could say of course everything that happens is meant to happen. But that would be the biggest misunderstanding of God's love and his good intentions, for in saying 'yes - everything that happens, God wants to happen' we include death, murder, rape, robbery, mugging and every other bad daily happening, which goes against everything God is. So, God is Love, he is all powerful, yet he doesn't want everything that does happen, to happen? Yes. Bad things happen because man has potential to be evil. Sometimes bad things happen because of a Butterfly Effect of factors, out of anyone's control. But God's control comes in when bad things do happen, because no matter how much you try avoid it bad things will happen. As long as there is free will and sin, bad things will happen. But with God, good can always come out of the consequences of any action. We are getting away from the point a bit, but it is all relevant...
    With this in mind - that not every action is wanted by God, and that he makes goo happen from bad - I began to think about how I was praying. I had been praying for months, years, that Mum would get better, that her illness would disappear from her body and that she be able to take walks with us, go on holiday, to the USA, back to work, even do gardening as she loved. On the other hand I had also been praying that 'your will be done, whatever it is.' 


    In our study we looked at Abraham's encounter with God, before Sodom was destroyed. (I am finding that in study I learn three times as much about 'Bible stories' now than when I first read them, fascinating stuff.) Genesis 18:22-33 tells of how Abraham intercedes for Sodom - in short, he bargains with the Lord to spare the city for even the 10 righteous that might remain there. In other words - he asks God (quite cheekily) to change his plan, if it is possible. 


    This struck me silent. The thought that I could actually come to God and ask him to do what I wanted, seemed far from giving my life to Him. But it makes sense. If you don't ask, you don't get. God knows our hearts, no doubt, he gives all good things, for sure. So asking for our most inward desire, well that just makes sense. I started praying "If it is possible for your will to continue, with Mum alive and well - do that, because I still need her here."


    Whilst it might seem a trivial revelation, in hindsight, at the time it was a wonderful release. 
I no longer felt bad for not wanting what God might be planning, but if His plan to be to take Mum then I was certain that that was what had to happen. A few weeks after the study He answered by taking Mum to be with Him, drifting from the midst of our family to His. And that's OK. (Sometimes it's not OK but that's a different story in sorts.)


    What I'm trying to get at is that if you want something enough, do everything you can to get it. It's even ok to go up against God, to ask Him for what you really want - not just the 'Christian' request of 'your will be done'. It's also OK to stand up for yourself, to tell others what you want and need, something which is also becoming easier for me to do.


'Delight in the Lord and he will grant you the desires of your heart.' Psalms 37:4

Faith.

O for a Faith that will not Shrink.

O, for a faith that will not shrink,

Though pressed by every foe,

That will not tremble on the brink

Of any earthly woe!

That will not murmur nor complain

Beneath the chastening rod,

But, in the hour of grief or pain,

Will lean upon its God.

A faith that shines more bright and clear

When tempests rage without;

That when in danger knows no fear,

In darkness feels no doubt.

Lord, give me such a faith as this,

And then, whate’er may come,

I’ll taste, e’en here, the hallowed bliss

Of an eternal home.

     We sang this song in Church this morning and in singing the words I read them. This might sound like a silly statement but all too often I passively worship in song, singing the words more focused on the tune than the lyrics. Lyrics in everything have completely different meanings now that Mum's gone. A 'lost love' is no longer tragically romantic but heart shatteringly realistic.
     In poetic form, the message really hits home - pun intended, just like the song which says "This earth is not my home, I'm just a'passing through." This earth was not Mum's home, she just passed through, but in doing so she touched so many lives for the better. Songs mean so much to me now, especially this one right now. I have an unshrinking Faith. I'm not saying I'm the perfect Christian or person, or that I haven't struggled with recent events. But I have done it with friends and family by my side, knowing always that God was there too. It's like a 'footprints in the sand' realisation... You are never alone.

Projects...

I am finding that with all my introversion and thought I can put real effort into projects, with a beginning, a middle and an outcome - also making me feel useful, yay - hence this book...
    Apart from the ongoing journey of writing a book I am beginning to start Creative Writing classes under the artistic umbrella that is Bodman School of Music and Arts here in Dundee. I have made a poster for the classes, we will be Premiering the classes with a self-organised competition - Short Story under 1000 words with the title 'Stranded' - still need to make a poster for it and get prizes sorted though.
   I will put up that poster when it's finished!

As well as those projects I'm really wanting to start a book club - 'To Kill A Mockingbird' (1960) by Harper Lee as the first book to look at methinks...  And continuing on with planning lessons for Camp in the Summer. Always good to keep busy.

Have a good night, my readership :]

The Mean Reds and Blue Suede Shoes. (Chapter Ideas)

Mean Reds

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds? 
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues? 
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? 
Paul Varjak: Sure. 
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!


     The Mean Reds seem to hit me sometimes and when they do, it's bad. I love the film 'Breakfast In Tiffany's' and the expression 'Mean Reds' has been so relevant to me in the past year. Sometimes I get afraid, and not knowing exactly why makes it even worse. 
      The weeks that surrounded Mum's death were filled with worry and re-evaluation of my life. What did I want in the long term? - a husband and family, a career, big house, pets, loving community around me. Then the question - why don't I have it now? The fear of never getting to 'where I want to be' drove me to assess life changing decisions I had made, questioning if there may have been a better path for me to take. On deciding I had done what was best, from what I knew at the time, I was comforted - but it is a question that I have revisited continuously over these past 8 months. There have been times when it seemed my life was getting 'back on track', things were working out well and I was happy. Yet a lingering doubt has kept contentment at bay for a while now, but I'm beginning to feel it's warmth. 
      The decision to take a year out from my studies was an idea at first which led to blessed circumstances making it a reality. My relationships with family have grown deeper, friends have become more dear to me and I am learning to take care of myself in what I need and not just what I want. The 'Mean Reds' to me is a term akin to doubt, uncertainty, weariness and loneliness. These feelings are often consumers of Faith and Hope, and even unconditional Love.
      When the 'Mean Reds' strike I have often turned to my Dad who will tell me that 'It's going to be OK'. These are magical words which I heard so often as a child from my Mum when I cried over boys or mean girls. Feeling childlike is something I am experiencing more and more, especially when things aren't working as I hadn't planned. Being humbled daily by reliving uncontrollable events, I learn that I can't do everything alone, and sometimes I do need to rely on others. All of these symptoms put together give me a growing understanding of what it means to be a Child of God. Being a Child of God means it's ok to be afraid, but knowing that God is always there when we feel alone, knowing that he is in control and has a plan when our own attempts fail, knowing that he is stronger than us and stronger than our problems, knowing that through him anything is possible.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Blue Suede Shoes

     Blue Suede Shoes are those things you just can't handle being stood on, even though anything else is ok; as Carl Perkins wrote and Elvis infamously sang "You can do anything, but lay off of my Blue Suede Shoes!" I have been forced over these few months to think often about my limits. That which I can tolerate and that which I can't handle. This idea has been creeping around my diary for a while, things that people do or say - or don't say - which make me really want to flip out. Things that before, wouldn't have bothered me. Understanding why my tolerances have changed is interesting for me as well as frustrating because even if I understand it I can't necessarily change it, because changing others is not in my power. After this self-indulgent thought I realise that the problem might not be others, it might just be me, but sometimes changing oneself is the hardest task of all.

     Anyway, my idea for the 'Blue Suede Shoes' chapter is to write up some examples of my altered tolerance, or others' experience with people which have pressed the wrong buttons unexpectedly. The chapter would essentially cover some do's and don't's for those helping grievers, and would try to advise grievers in awkward situations. The problem that I have with the chapter is that no one wants to be told what to do, and especially who am I to instruct people on things I have only experienced for the first time? Another problem I have with it is that it has the potential to be destructive when I only hope to encourage and advise.

     I am hoping that with wise conversation, fervent study and lots of prayer I can give this important topic justice and purpose within my book.

I thank all who take the time to read these ideas, and want to encourage you to give me feedback on what you've read - whether it's advice on how to go about writing on certain things, or stories to share similar experiences.

     God Bless, and I'll keep posting. :]